Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

it could be yours



you will probably only get that if you live in london

however "brixton" could be substituted for anything.....

2007-01-18 12:10:23 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I would like to hear some good, clean, Christian jokes. Does anyone know any?

2007-01-18 12:10:12 · 4 answers · asked by JACQUELINE T 6

There were 3 pregnant women having lunch together. One was a blonde, one a brunette and the last was a red head.

The waitress asks, "So ladies, what do you think you are having, boys or girls?"

The brunette says, "Well, I was on top, so that means I am going to have a boy."

The red head says, "Really? Well, I was on the bottom so that means I am going to have a girl!"

Then the blonde starts celebrating, "Oh goody, oh goody! That means I'm going to have puppies!"

2007-01-18 12:06:04 · 19 answers · asked by heartspiritdivine 3

I was visiting my friend in hospital who was having a minor op. Next to us I could see a man who was wired up to all the machines and had a oxygen mask on. He kept asking this trainee nurse. Are my testicals black ? are my testicals black. I could hear the nurse saying calm down to him. After a few minutes he said it again and again. The nurse was looking worried and said hang on I will go and get someone to speak with you. A few minutes later the nurse came back with a staff nurse. The staff nurse said whats up here ? The man said it again. So the staff nurse said I don't know lets have a look. So she pulled up his gown and grabbed his testicals to examin them. Again he said: Are my testicals black ? She said no they look fine all pink and healthy whilst still holding them. Look said the staff nurse if you don't believe me I'll show you. So she said to to the nurse tilt his head up. The man looked down and pulled his mask off and said: Are my test results back !!!!

2007-01-18 12:05:26 · 9 answers · asked by Jexf 2

A U.S. Marine squad was patrolling north of Fallujah when they came upon
an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of
the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The
Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the
squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine
reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and
coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took
cover in the ditches along the road."I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is
a miserable lowlife, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a
good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk." "So I said that Osama Bin
Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, ugly, mean-spirited lesbian! He
retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton! "And, there
we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us!!!

2007-01-18 12:05:04 · 4 answers · asked by Papa 7

WHITE WOMEN:

First date: You get to kiss her
goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over
and make out a bit.

Third date: You get to have sex but
only
in the missionary position.



IRISH WOMEN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk
and
have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk
and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind
drunk and have sex.



ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date: You take her to a play and
an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and
her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to
marry you & insists on a 3-carat
ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5
kids
together & hate the thought of
having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a
Mistress.



JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date: You get terrific head.

Second Date: You get even more great
head.

Third Date: You tell her you'll marry
her and never get head again.



CHINESE WOMEN:

First date: You get to buy her an
expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more
expensive dinner. Nothing happens
again.

Third date: You don't even get to the
third date and you've already realized
nothing is ever going to happen.



INDIAN WOMEN:

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the
wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.



BLACK WOMEN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real
expensive dinner.

Second Date: You get to buy her and her
girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone
other than you.



MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date: You buy her an expensive
dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have
sex in the back of her car.

Second Date: She's pregnant.

Third Date: She moves in. One week
later, her mother, father, his
girlfriend, her two sisters, her
brother, all of their kids, her
grandma,
her father's girlfriend's mother, her
two cousins, her sister's boyfriend
and his three kids move in and you live
on rice and beans for the rest of
your life in your home that used to be
nice, but now looks like a home along
the Tijuana strip.



ARAB WOMEN:

First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers,
Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles,
Friends and entire Arab community
finds out.

Second Date: Guy is shot dead.

No third date

2007-01-18 12:04:18 · 11 answers · asked by heartspiritdivine 3

2007-01-18 12:00:39 · 10 answers · asked by talofa lava 2

hahahah ok no affence to all the blonded out there but here is the joke ok so this brunett lady was driving to the park with her labindor retreiver but noticed that she for got to bring water to bring to the oark so she stoped at the nearest store to buy some water before she got out she rolled down the window 4 da dog to be able to breath but was worried that the dog would jump out so she careful walked backwardss to the store telling her labindor retriver puppy to stay so over and over again she told the dog to stay then a lady which happened to b a blonde told the lady why dont you just put it in park? duh! hahahah wasnt that joke funy tell me wat you think!!

2007-01-18 11:58:32 · 16 answers · asked by .:baby*gurl*aliyah:. 1

When your Granny had too embroider "This way up " on your bibs.

2007-01-18 11:54:07 · 30 answers · asked by mesmerized 5

I found this to be rather funny and I want to share the joy with you. Tell me what you think! and if you are very easily offended by blonde jokes, this may not be for you. Enjoy!!!!!!!!!!
http://www.mix969.com/pages/joke_of_the_day.html?feed=104675&article=1603807

2007-01-18 11:48:16 · 14 answers · asked by Jugglingmidget06 4

2007-01-18 11:41:56 · 17 answers · asked by talofa lava 2

(not to offend anybody) i heard it from a friend----

There were 3 men. A black guy, white guy, and a hispanic guy. They were staying at a hotel owned by a man who had a really pretty daughter. The man saw how the 3 men looked at his daughter and became angry. The man told each of the 3 men that if he catches them messing around with his daughter, he would chop off their d***s and then he would kill them. So that night the man put itching powder on his daughters vagina. The next morning the white guy wakes up scratchin his d***. The man chops off his dick and kills him. The same thing happend to the hispanic guy. his d*** gets chopped off and he dies. The black man woke up scratching as well... the man chopped off his tongue and then killed him.

2007-01-18 11:37:12 · 9 answers · asked by MzChamillinator 5

a woman to show him how to work it.

2007-01-18 11:34:55 · 28 answers · asked by DEBORAH M 2

Hello! I'm brazilian and i want to know who was borned first? The egg or chicken? because in my country the people says that egg came before. And now i want to know how is american opinion.

2007-01-18 11:34:34 · 11 answers · asked by Spider Man BH 3

after 12 1/2 answers ill say the real answer...

ok 12

2007-01-18 11:32:00 · 4 answers · asked by Hαír Pεace Šmûrƒ Pεαce 7

My wife and were driving home last night and a car made a right hand turn beside us. She said Look out!!!" I said "Why?" Her response was "that car is turning into us!" Too which I replied "I think that is genetically impossible." Funny or no?

2007-01-18 11:31:09 · 15 answers · asked by Ken J 2

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky


The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:


Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

2007-01-18 11:14:30 · 17 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

A guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall. "Excuse me" he says "But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her. Could you please help me?"
"What do you need me to do?" asks the woman.
"Just stand here and talk to me" the man replies.
"How's that going to help?" she asks
"I don't know exactly, but every time I talk to a woman with t!ts like yours, my wife appears out of no where!"

2007-01-18 11:08:32 · 14 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

2007-01-18 11:02:18 · 23 answers · asked by ? 6

2007-01-18 10:59:59 · 12 answers · asked by burlingtony 2

2007-01-18 10:55:49 · 13 answers · asked by JUSS 4

a farmer is about to start a farm. he has a fox a duck and a sack of corn. the farm he is trying to build is across the lake and he has to travel by boat. the boat only holds 100lbs. the man weighs 50lbs the fox weighs 50lbs the duck weighs 50lbs and the corn weighs 50lbs. you cant leave the duck with the corn because the duck will eat the corn. you cant leave the fox with the duck becsuse the fox will eat the duck. you cant put anyrhing in the water because they cant swim. you cant send an animal(s) or sack of corn by itself. how do you get across

2007-01-18 10:49:48 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Red Tape Hold Up Bridges
Listen everyone, here’s a story to hear:
So I was on vacation alone seeing lots of new people and places. I got a phone call one day from a friend of mine. She, Ayra told me that there was an incident at the London Bridge on New Year’s Eve, 2010. A guy was taping up the bridge with red tape after the bridge broke down. She knew him, and so did I. His name was Harry Heith, who went to the same high school with us and he always used red tape; fixed everything with red tape, only with red tape and nothing but red tape. My friend was a witness because she saw the man while she was taking a walk with her dog, Cocoa, and said that she had a little “talk” with the London police.
She told me this is how it went:
Police officer: What time did you see the man?
Arya: 8:15 pm.
Police officer: Are you sure it was Harry Heith?
Arya: I’m pretty sure……
Police officer: What reason would you think that he would tape the
London Bridge?
Ayra: It fell down.

2007-01-18 10:48:15 · 6 answers · asked by korean_girl101 2

when you try to make words out of words!?
ex: Emotional - words i can make out of emotional
Motion Main
To No On .....
there is more but, you get the point!

2007-01-18 10:47:14 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-18 10:47:13 · 15 answers · asked by talofa lava 2

i have like this pet peeve, like when i am listening to something and i turn up or lower the volume, the number of volume must be divisable by the number 3. or like when i am taking a sip of a drink, and before i throw it away, i have to sip it 3 times or i won't sip it at all, and if i want to sip more it'll have to be divisible by 3......

see, thats why i said i needed help...

2007-01-18 10:46:52 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-18 10:42:43 · 18 answers · asked by JUSS 4

2007-01-18 10:39:07 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

I bet you can find at least 40, if you spent some time! the one with the most could get best answer! not because this is a contest, cause its not! but because of intelligence!

2007-01-18 10:34:52 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-18 10:34:13 · 20 answers · asked by missysexyliz69 1