2007-01-18 10:59:59 · 12 answers · asked by burlingtony 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
how do you get an elephant into a tree?
hide it in an acorn and wait for a squirrel to carry it up the tree.
how do you catch a rabbit ?
hide in the bush and make carrot noises
2007-01-18 11:05:42 · answer #1 · answered by lil miss mystery 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"
The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"
"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"
"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident"
2007-01-18 19:24:22 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
A huge tsunami reached the Philippines, and devastate a whole town, including a small convent at the suburbs. At the convent lived 6 or 7 nuns, who died suddenly. It was 9:15 AM. The nuns just had mass, where everyone had communion, so they went straight to heaven. At the heavens door was Saint Peter, and as you can imagine, very few people. (Most go to hell, or with luck, to the purgatory). They made a row, and StP asked the first one: "Well sister, is there any venial sin you didn't confess, or something you have done that needs Gods pardon?" The 1st. nun flushed and said: "Well, really there's something I'd never could tell to a priest. I was very curious about how men sex was. So, one day, at a party, with the hose full of people, I saw in a narrow gangway two men talking, leaning on each of its walls. And suddenly I had the wisecrack. I putted my hands on my back, and with the excuse of not getting to close to the man I was going to have in front of me, when I went through, with my forefinger ¡¡I could touch it!!. ¡¡But just for a second!!" StP "Is that all sister?" 1st. nun "¡¡Yeeeessss!!." St.P raised his eyebrows and said to the nun:"That's not important at all. If you could wonder things that happens nowadays .... Wash your finger with blessed water, and go straight to heaven." When the 2d. nun received the same interrogation she answered: "Well, I had the same couriosity. One day, traveling on a crowded public bus, sitted beside the gangway, a man who was traveling standing, got to my side, and on his purpose or not, laid his member on my elbow. I noticed it, but seemed nothing was happening. Really, ¡¡I ejoyed it!!" StP "And is that all?" "¡¡Yeeeesssss!!", answered the 2nd. nun. StP had the same attitude, rose his eyebrows again, and told the nun: "Get your elbow washed with blessed water and go to heaven right after." But, for StP surprisse, a young nun that was standing at the end of the row, came up to the front, walking fastly. StP asked her: "What's the rush, sister?" and the nun said: "Please understand me StP, I just want to ask you,.... if I can make my gargles before nun Theresa washes her as s."
2007-01-18 21:21:21 · answer #3 · answered by robertonereo 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Q:What happens when you feed a politician VIAGRA?
A: They grow taller
This may be an offensive joke but here it is anyway
Why do Mexicans where pointy shoes?
Because pointy shoes fit through the fences on the border.
What do you call a school bus full of white kids?
A twinkie
classic
2007-01-18 19:16:54 · answer #4 · answered by Rich 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of! I cain't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.
Cooter says, "What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're a queer, ain't ya?"
2007-01-18 19:11:10 · answer #5 · answered by Hellareal 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A little off color but here goes.....
Johnny and Mary were two kids. They had lived next to each other their entire life.
During that time, Johnny would get a new bike and go show it to Mary. The next day, she would have a new bike that was better.
Johnny would get a dog. The next day Mary would have a better dog.
Johnny would get a new video game system. The next day, Mary would have a better system.
This went on for years.
One day Johnny was frustrated and went to his Dad. He told his Dad that everything he got or had, Mary would always get one too and it was always better. Dad told Johnny that the next time he saw Mary to pull down his pants and say, "I've got one of these and I know you can't come back with one of these." Mary was stunned and ran home crying.
The next day Johnny went out to brag to Mary some more but she wasn't made anymore. Johnny couldn't figure out why so he asked Mary.
Mary pulled down her pants and told Johnny, " I might not have one of THOSE, but my Mom told me that as long as I had one of THESE, I could get all of THOSE I wanted!"
2007-01-18 19:56:05 · answer #6 · answered by bob d 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
a burgler walks into a home and hears someone say, "jesus is watching you..." he looks around and sees a parrot. the parrot says again, "jesus is watching you..." laughing, the burgler asks, "what's your name?" and the parrot says, "Moses." the burgler replies, "what kind of man names his parrote moses?"
"the same kind of man who names his rotweiler jesus!"
ooooh funny!
here's another one:
The famous, french museam, the Louvre (pronounced LOOve) was robbed of its most precious painting. all the policemen are looking for the theif. one goes into an alley to find a man with all the stolen painting around him. "why didn't you run?" the cop asked.
"because i didn't have enough Monet to buy Degas, to make the Van Gogh!"
get it? Monet=money, Degas=the gas, Van Gogh=van go! those are all famous painter. i love the puns!
my friend and i were trying to make up some "your messiah" jokes today. ya know, instead of "your mom" jokes. these were the best ones we came up with.
"your messiah is so fat that when he tried to walk across water, he sank!" and "your messiah is so emo, that he put the nails in his hands himself!" these really only work with your christians friends because the jokes are so ridiculously dumb.
2007-01-18 19:11:28 · answer #7 · answered by happyinblue 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋
There were two muffins in an oven; the first said "aaah! I think we're being baked!" The other said "Aaah a talking muffin!"
I know everyone's heard of it, but still...
2007-01-18 19:02:49 · answer #8 · answered by Gigi 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Brian asked his wife could he nut in her ear???!!!!
She said No!!!!
I might go deaf....!
she said Ive been cumin in your mouth for years
& U HAVENT SHUT THE F**** UP YET!!!!
2007-01-18 19:15:44 · answer #9 · answered by Walter 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Q. How do you know when a lawyer is telling a lie?
A. When his lips move.
2007-01-18 19:03:34 · answer #10 · answered by jacquie 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋