Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. !
(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. OH NO! What have I done???!!! Another deep breath and RRRIIIPPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
WHAT?! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. My LIFE FLASHES BEFORE ME!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin-walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether, regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and *hoo-hoo* are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or *hoo-hoo*?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! Like I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major dive and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

2007-01-18 22:17:37 · 2 answers · asked by LunaFaye 4

Fifty sure-fire ways to detect paganism without having to resort to a
dunking stool or wart-inspection.

1) Never puts any rubbish out on refuse-collection day. I mean, re-
cycling and composting is fine, but you can take it too far.

2) You casually ask what phase the moon is in, and she tells you down
to the exact number of days, hour and minute of rising, position on
horizon, and current angle of declination.

3) All the stray cats in the neighbourhood tend to congregate in her
garden (and use your own as their litter).

4) A screech owl has chosen the lamp-post outside her house as its
favorite calling-post. That's just when it's getting warm at night
and you like to sleep with the window open.

5) Doesn't cut down the weeds in her garden; in fact it looks more
like she's cultivating them. Needless to say, you get the seeds
wafting over onto your pristine lawn.

6) Most of her clothes on the washing line are black.

7) The local kids talk in whispers as they go past her house, then
start running at the last moment.

8) Nobody trick-or-treats her house; not after the incident when the
kids' costumes were less scary than hers when she opened the door to
them. (She was embracing the Crone that year no doubt!)

9) Footprints on the roof. And the trees in her flight-path have been
pruned down. I swear it's true!

10) She can't even make a simple sandwich without adding fresh herbs
to it. And don't ask her for a cup of tea unless you want something
yellow coloured and smelling of flowers.

11) She hardly ever gets junk mail. You ask her what her secret is
and she confides that she returns it to sender after writing
something on in strange curly writing.

12) When you pop next door for a chat, the kettle is always already
on.

13) The Jehovah's Witnesses never call (not anymore; not after the
last time :-).

14) Keeps the local scented-candle shop solvent.

15) Has a pond full of frogs (and you haven't seen that bothersome
double-glazing salesman around for a while).

16) She's always smiling, darn her!

17) She goes dressed as normal to a Hallowe'en fancy dress party; and
wins first prize.

18) Her house always smells of incense.

19) Has named her four cats Hecate, Kali, Diana, and Moonbeam. (Or
her rats Devon and Cornwall)

20) Her bumper sticker reads "I brake for toads".

21) Frequently gets raided by the drug squad who confiscate large
amounts of dried green leaves; they always return them with apologies
after analysis.

22) At Christmas, it seems like half the garden has been moved into
the house.

23) You sometimes hear the sound of singing and dancing through the
wall. If you look out of the window, it is usually a full moon.

24) She was given a bodhram drum for her birthday. And she plays it
at midnight in the fields. And she's got a blasted tamborine.

25) You discover that her realistic resin skull ornament in her
living room, actually is real.

26) You catch her washing a crystal ball along with the dishes.

27) She wears a lot of silver jewelry, even when doing the gardening.
And bat ear-rings for goodness-sake.

28) You knock on her door and she answers it naked except for a
toweling robe. You apologize for disturbing her in the bath, but
notice that her hair isn't wet.

29) Irritating tendency to hum a lot. What's she got to be so happy
about, huh?

30) She has a tame robin that will eat from her hand in the garden.
That can't be natural.

31) Never catches a cold, even though she walks barefoot most of the
time. In the snow as well.

32) Doesn't kill spiders. Not even big hairy long-legged ones that
suddenly appear from the waste-pipe whilst you're having a bath.

33) She listens to what you are saying like she really cares.

34) She has lots of female friends who come round every few months.
When you ask what they get up to, she tells you that they just have
cakes and ale and a good natter.

35) You catch her hugging a tree.

36) Her dinner-set is decorated with Celtic patterns.

37) She has a mail-order account with a semi-precious gem wholesaler.

38) You notice that the parish priest crosses himself whenever he
walks past her house.

39) She never watches television. And she has shelves full of books
with black spines and silver-lettered titles.

40) To your certain knowledge she has never set foot in the local
church. In fact, you have heard rumours that she has been barred from
it.

41) She makes jars of quince and mandrake relish for the Women's
Institute coffee morning jumble sale.

42) You ask to borrow a pack of cards for an impromptu bridge
evening, and there are 78 in the pack.

43) You have never known her to visit her GP.

44) When you talk with her, she maintains eye contact all the time.

45) Expectant mothers are forever visiting her. Also women who become
expectant mothers a month after visiting her.

46) You ask her for suggestions for nice walks in the area, and they
all go by way of stone circles and strange earth mounds.

47) She only buys organic. And you just bet that she's a vegetarian
as well. (Well, maybe not stricly vegetarian.. ..)

48) When you ask her about her vacation plans, she tells you she will
be camping in a tee-pee in the Brecon Beacons.

49) There aren't any mirrors in her house. Or clocks.

50) She tells you that she is coming out of the broom closet, joins
Witches' Voice, and erects a stained-glass pentacle window in her
front door . Ooo what a give-away!

2007-01-18 22:12:45 · 2 answers · asked by LunaFaye 4

Gorilla Removers

A man wakes up one morning and there's a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog!

2007-01-18 22:01:17 · 6 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

lets say, you didnt pay your electricity bill on time and the power, in your apartment, got shut off, for about 3 hours. if you had food with frozen meat inside, like hot pockets, can you keep those and still eat them after theyve sat there in your freezer for about three hours, with no power?

2007-01-18 21:49:33 · 8 answers · asked by juicyfruitishandsome 4

You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras

You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor your father went into shock.

You're so ugly, you make onions cry.

You're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you in.

You're so ugly, I took you to see the zookeeper and he said, "Thanks for bringing him back."

You're so ugly, you mother had to get drunk before she breast fed you.

You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.

You're so ugly, you give Freddy Kruegger nightmares.

You're so ugly, they let you park in handicapped spaces.

You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.

2007-01-18 21:48:36 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Which do you prefer, questioning or answering ?

2007-01-18 21:39:55 · 11 answers · asked by JUSS 4

A blonde man was picked up on a rape charge and was told to stand in an identification parade in the police station. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room.
Blonde jumped forward, and screamed "Thats her! Thats her! Id recognize her anywhere!"

One more...

Yesterday's head line: An old woman raped during morning jog.

Today's head line: Many old ladies found jogging!

2007-01-18 21:27:56 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cover your stump before you hump.

Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper.

Don't be silly, protect your willy.

When in doubt, shroud your spout.

Don't be a loner, cover your *****.

You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.

If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.

If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.

She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.

If you go into heat, package your meat.

Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

The right selection! Protect your erection.

Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

If you really love her, wear a cover.

Don't make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.

Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

No glove, No love.

Don't be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.

AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.

2007-01-18 21:25:10 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bad Parrot

Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude.

Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked.

She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.

For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said:

"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again."

Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

2007-01-18 21:24:06 · 13 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

How do you like this one?

A lot of people can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in this country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical. Our oil is located in Bass Strait and off the coast of W.A..
Our dipsticks are located in Canberra.

2007-01-18 21:22:20 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pig Breeding

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

'No,' she says, 'they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.

2007-01-18 21:21:18 · 6 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

The Bakery

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please."

She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet.

Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..."

2007-01-18 21:17:41 · 1 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

hi can you tell me wat you think to my poem, please can you give me constructive comments and any links that could help me improve, please no nastyness just honesty, many thanx

Questions

I wonder if I can do this?
Can it be possible to do that?
Wonder if this is bliss?
As I trip over the cat

If I ware that coat
Shall I wash them shirts?
If I drop it will it float?
Can I touch that? Will it hurt?

Shall I lock the door?
And leave the curtains shut?
Do I need to hover the floor?
Is that knife sharp enough to cut?

Do I need to got out of this chair
What about a shower? do I need?
And then maybe after that, fresh air?
I’m hungry, do I need to feed?

I’m a feeling low, or am I okay?
I need to answer these riddles
And it needs to be done today

2007-01-18 21:15:24 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-18 21:13:55 · 17 answers · asked by JUSS 4

this is a rather long abreviation but do your best

2007-01-18 21:13:17 · 9 answers · asked by Because I Said So 7

Navy Retirement

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam."

2007-01-18 21:11:08 · 10 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Lucky Day

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She was to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Breast fed", she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. she did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry, You don't have any milk."

"Naturally", she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came today".

2007-01-18 21:08:50 · 8 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Bad Memory

One elderly couple is visiting another for supper. The two women go into the kitchen for a moment, leaving the men to talk.

One of the men says to the other, "The Mrs. and I went to the nicest restaurant last night."

"Is that right?" the other inquires, "What was it called?"

"That's just it," he replies "I can't recall. "Say, what's the name of that red flower that has thorns all over it?"

"A rose?" he responds.

"YEAH, THAT'S IT!" he says energetically.

He then whirls around and yells into the kitchen, "Hey, Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we went to last night!?"

2007-01-18 20:35:44 · 11 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Pulled Over

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back"

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

2007-01-18 20:19:49 · 8 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Why does the blonde have a hickey on her belly button?

Her boyfriend is blonde too.

2007-01-18 19:59:14 · 5 answers · asked by sailingmariner 3

i am always feel that i am not as clever as others....how do i be more clever...???someone who can tell me..????????????????????????????????????///

2007-01-18 19:52:50 · 6 answers · asked by Amedar 1

It is not for a project or anything...it was just in my head and i had to get it out...now i have nothing else...but it is a pretty good read...well i really have not checked it for anything...I just wrote it.
Any Day

The sun waits at the dawn of the day to shine bright for half the world to see.
The birds sing as it makes it way upward in the sky. The trees wave in the breeze as the sun makes its path past them. The sky turns from gray to bright orange and then to blue.
As the suns rays shine brighter and brighter the people start to wake up to start the day.
Going to work, going to play, or going to school, everyone is getting ready. All the cities, towns and country sides are getting ready for their visitors.
The houses come alive with activity. The streets begin to welcome each car aboard.
A baby is born, a person dies, the grass grows, a leaf falls, and a person falls in love while another falls out of love. The sun watches it all on its journey across the skies of America.
Back yards are filled with the excitement of kids playing, people sitting, and babies walking.
Beaches are filled with people of all sizes and colors with all the toys they like to play with packed in their beach bags or thrown over their shoulders.
The forest comes alive with all the animals running, jumping, swinging, swimming, climbing and falling.
A tree falls and a sprout shoots up from the ground as the leaves fall all over the ground.
The bugs find food in the ground; the larger animals hunt smaller animals and the ants build up their houses.

2007-01-18 19:42:23 · 2 answers · asked by jeeccentricx2 5

It wasn't funny at the time, but I guess now 2 years later I can find a little humor in this.

My family used to have a house by the countryside...one day I accidentally stepped on fire ants, and they started crawling through all my clothes. I had to strip EVERYTHING off, and run about a mile back to my house!

Thankfully nobody was there to see this (i am very SHY), but it was in BROAD DAYLIGHT and there was a road right behind me that nobody ever used.

If you had been driving down that road that afternoon and saw me running back to my house...in the alltogether...and knew i was okay, what would you say or do to make me BLUSH the most?

2007-01-18 19:24:07 · 12 answers · asked by Bob D 1

Well I have to show I can be nasty (LOL) so here's my blonde joke:

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports carand was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it andhanded it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

2007-01-18 19:14:59 · 33 answers · asked by fly boy 3

Last winter Fred met a woman while on vacation in the Florida Keys & fell madly in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner at the Ocean View & had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.
"It's only fair to warn you I'm a total golf nut," Fred said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep & breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."
"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."
"I see," Fred replied & was quiet for a moment.
Then he said, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

2007-01-18 19:12:58 · 16 answers · asked by fly boy 3

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting & took the microphone from one of the church ushers & bared her soul to the suddenly attentive congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband Jim suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway & hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital & could've died but thank the Lord all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror.The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy & writhed in their seats. "Jim's been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing & swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything he's in so much pain & he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them & give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He's in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I'd like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim & pray for us so his broken scrotum will soon heal & be as good as new."
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in & the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I." Then as the murmuring settled down a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over & said to the congregation:
"My name's Jim & I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM" !

2007-01-18 19:11:19 · 16 answers · asked by fly boy 3

2007-01-18 18:32:13 · 5 answers · asked by tom 1

When I alter initially, I come down to the centre and with two shoves, become idle and can no longer vex people. Want a clue?

2007-01-18 18:27:51 · 4 answers · asked by Traveller 5

Aircraft Maintenance Write-Ups and Corrective Action Taken

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humour.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QUANTAS pilots and
the corrective action recorded by mechanics.
By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

NOTE:
P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for
the corrective action taken by the mechanics.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
S: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack
normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engine
airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

2007-01-18 18:05:46 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
"First Question: Which tire was flat?"

2007-01-18 17:34:57 · 8 answers · asked by heartspiritdivine 3