Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Pady and mick were pulled up for drunk and disorderly and the police man sed to pady were do you live he sed on fixaborde and the police man turns to mick and sed were do you live he sed the flat above him. was that funny?

2007-01-19 04:56:59 · 13 answers · asked by philip k 1

2007-01-19 04:51:04 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Without coming straight out and saying it. Also I dont want to get to mushy, but I want him to know how i feel. Maybe some funny ways to tell him or clever. you know stuff like that.

2007-01-19 04:50:49 · 5 answers · asked by The one who knows 3

what is it?

2007-01-19 04:46:48 · 10 answers · asked by kirby 2

1.“If my heart were a baked potato, I’d serve it to you with extra butter and sour cream.”
2.“Your terrible personality isn’t so terrible after a few drinks and even when I sober up, it’s not as terrible as everyone says.”
3.“I’d shave my entire body with a dull, rusty razor blade and take a vinegar bath for you.”
4.“I am rubber, you are glue, any feelings you have for me bounce off and stick to you. Ironically, I feel the same way.”
5.“The other day I saw this little girl day drop her whole ice cream cone on the ground and start bawling. After I stopped laughing, I thought, “I’m the same way when you don’t call hen you say you will.”
6.“I saw you in the morning, on the toilet, and I didn’t run screaming. So there.”
7.“Hug me. If you let go -- you lose.”
8.“Umm… like… you and me? Yeah. You and me.”
9.“You are to me what an eye patch and parrot is to a pirate.”
10.“You are the hole in my donut.”
11.“I am the pork, you are the beans.”

2007-01-19 04:43:49 · 12 answers · asked by allgiggles1984 6

Jade Goody is playing the part of The Fugitive. Her mother is the One Armed Woman.

2007-01-19 04:33:44 · 10 answers · asked by freddy197120032003 3

Jokes about any other celebrity are good too.

2007-01-19 04:30:44 · 17 answers · asked by lime.i.am 3

2007-01-19 04:29:15 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes to the hospital for some tests. The last test consisted of some ugly drink, and left him with an upset stomach. He's laying in bed and fells like he has to go to the restroom. He runs, sits, and waits, and nothing! So he goes back to bed.

Then he gets the feeling again, runs, sits...and nothing. So the third time he feels it, he just stays there. But this time, he GOES, and makes a big mess on the sheets.
Embarrased that the nurses will see the mess he made, he grabs the sheets, wraps them up, and throws them out the 3rd story window.

A drunk man is walking by, and the sheets fall on him. He starts kicking, punching, and yelling. Finally, the sheet falls to the floor, and a security officer that was close by goes up to him and says:

"Are you okay sir?"

"Yes", says the drunk man "but i just beat the sh*t out of that ghost!

2007-01-19 04:22:30 · 11 answers · asked by Rosie 3

2007-01-19 04:22:01 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. “You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “that I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for 30 minutes, in which you can do anything you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. “You still have 15 more minutes,” said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on its head

2007-01-19 04:21:14 · 10 answers · asked by richard_beckham2001 7

A blonde was at work when someone came to her and said "You're husband's betraying you at home right now!" The blonde returned swiftly to her home, but quickly returned to her job saying "Nah! That was a pure misunderstanding!" Next day, as she returned home early, she found three nude women in her balcony."What are you doing here?" She asked, but the women were so nervous they couldn't know how to answer when one of them said "Yes...eh...we're airborne paratroopers who jumped off our plane but lost our way and landed here in your balcony!" "Oh so that's the point? Well, sorry for being suspicious!" replied the blonde who became pleased. Touched by her idiocy, one of the women came to her and asked "Do you really believe us to be paratroopers jumping from a military plane several thousand feet high and landing HERE in your balcony NAKED?" "Yeah! Why not?!" the blonde exclaimed "Yesterday I saved three female navy SEALs who were on a submarine mission but were stuck in my bathtub!!!"

2007-01-19 04:16:38 · 6 answers · asked by Mehmet Azk 2

2007-01-19 04:13:39 · 42 answers · asked by Jay 1

1. - One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL


2. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO


3. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA


4. - Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO


5. - Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY


6. - One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER


7. - One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER


8. - Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE


9. - Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA


10. - One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scrapper in hand out front window scrapping frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG

2007-01-19 04:09:46 · 10 answers · asked by allgiggles1984 6

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

2007-01-19 04:04:06 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:

"Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he's in a good mood. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him, as that will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on TV. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

"If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

2007-01-19 04:01:01 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

This lady that was wearing a tight skirt was waiting at the bus stop to get onto the bus. A bus pulled up and the driver opened the doors. she tried to step up onto the step but her skirt was too tight. So she reached back to unzip and loosen it a little. she tried to step up onto the steps again. But it was still to tight. She reached back and unzipped some more. Tried to step up again and the skirt was still to tight. She tried one more time. She reached back and unzipped some more. And she still couldn,t get up onto the bus. So this man behind her reaches and grabs her by the bxtt. He gives her a boost onto the bus. She turns around and slaps him and saying "What do you think you are doing." Well the man says "Well lady after you unzipped my pxnts for the third time I thought we was aquainted." |

2007-01-19 03:56:29 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-19 03:51:06 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!!"

2007-01-19 03:50:49 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

At age 5 success is not pexing in your pants

At age 10 success is having friends

At age 16 success is having your driver's license

At age 20 success is having sxx

At age 35 success is having money

At age 50 success is having money

At age 65 success is having sxx

At age 70 success is having your driver's license

At age 75 success is having friends

At age 80 success is not pexing in your pants .

2007-01-19 03:47:09 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on
her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband
watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any
idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter
with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
"I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram
and the doctor says I have the brexsts of an 18
year-old."


The husband said, "What did he say about your 56
year old axs?"

"Your name never came up," she replied .

2007-01-19 03:44:21 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small
town in Warwickshire.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb
blonde jokes

when all of a sudden a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair
and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a
human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in the community
and from reaching our full potential as a person.

Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
not only blondes,
but women in general and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this, mister . . . . .

I'm talking to that little **** on your knee ! !"

2007-01-19 03:42:47 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are three vampires at a bar and a regular guy.
The first vampire says
"Bartender I'll take a blood on the rocks"
"Sure thing" says the bartender
The second vampire says
"I'll take a shot of blood"
"No problem." says the bartender
The third vampire says
"Bartender give me a cup of hot water."
At that moment the man turns to him and says
"I thaught you vampires only drank blood"
The vampire replies
"We do I found a txmpon out back
and I want to make some tea" .

2007-01-19 03:40:55 · 41 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walking on a desert and in front of him two ways,and beside him is a house he entered the house,and he found two person one of them is telling truce and the other is a lyer try to ask one and only one question to one of them,i mean tell me the question wich will make you know wich one of them is the lyer and wich one is the truece.Only one question and to one of them!!!

2007-01-19 03:37:41 · 9 answers · asked by abdo hamza 1

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a
glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man ... "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized
eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different ****," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence"

2007-01-19 03:31:01 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

set of ladders to get on my roof and fix my aerial...does anyone know of a good company in devon please?

2007-01-19 03:25:12 · 15 answers · asked by Jade Goody 2

A Hill-Billy bought an automatic car - instead of his manual one- he cut off his left leg!

Q: Why does a Hill-Billy wear a big moustache?
A: So that flies would rub theur feet before entering his nostrills!

A Hill-Billy was recruited in the Army. He was questioned in the hand-to hand bayonet fight quiz: "Private Hill-Billy! What would you do if the enemy attacked you in the face?" "I'll shoot'em down, sir!"
he replied. The officer then asked him "Private Hill-Billy! What would you do if the enemy attacked you from you left?" "I'd s(h)tab(e) 'm with m(ah)y bayonet, sir!" The officer continued "Private Hill-Billy! What would you do if the enemy came to you from the right?"
"I'd beat him with m(ah)y rifle, sir!" The officer then asked him "Private Hill-Billy! So what would you do if the enemy attacked you from your back?" Hill-Billy then threw down his rifle and cried "Why aren't there anyone fighting here save Hill-Billy? Fu*k that damn army of yours!!!"

2007-01-19 03:24:09 · 10 answers · asked by Mehmet Azk 2

tomatos in the fridge that need using up....any ideas what i can make with them?

2007-01-19 03:24:08 · 40 answers · asked by Jade Goody 2

Some hints: It is perfectly legal. I do not model for art classes.

2007-01-19 03:23:39 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tom and Jerry are lying on the floor dead. nothing is stolen. who are tom and jerry?

2007-01-19 03:20:14 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous