Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

One day I was in my sign language class and i thought of this:

Q: What would be the perfect name for a Deaf/mute serial killer?

A: Silent but deadly

is this cute or just dumb oh and i mean no harm not trying to make fun of them at all.

2007-01-19 07:43:38 · 8 answers · asked by christmas382000 3

My dog Minton ate two shuttlecocks yesterday."
"Bad Minton."

2007-01-19 07:38:59 · 19 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Two blondes came into a bar, sat down, and ordered drinks. They were making merry in a serious way and it was obvious to the bartender that they were celebrating something big. His curiosity finally got the better of him and he says " I hate to be nosy, but it's obvious that you two are celebrating something big.
What's the occasion"
One blonde replies "Well, we are just sooo proud of ourselves, because we just finished - just the two of us alone - a 50 piece jigsaw puzzle in only 3 days.
" Confused, the bartender says "So?", to which the other blonde says "Well, on the box it says 3 - 5 years"

2007-01-19 07:38:43 · 22 answers · asked by Sheila 3

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin,

"For best results, put on two coats".

2007-01-19 07:37:44 · 7 answers · asked by Sheila 3

A newlywed bride and groom had been busy at "it" for three days straight.

The groom arose early and was reading the paper, thinking it was time to do something else. When his bride woke up, he said, "Honey would you like to see Oliver Twist?"

His bride replied, "You show me one more trick with that thing and I'm going home to mother!"

2007-01-19 07:37:20 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A ham sandwich goes in a bar. The bartender looks at him, shakes his head and says,
"I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

2007-01-19 07:36:56 · 12 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

theres too much confusion
i cant
get
no
relief
business man comes and drinks my wine
comes and takes my herb

but theres NO reason to get excited
this is kind of bold
there are many among us
that think that life is a joke

2007-01-19 07:32:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fly carrying a brick ;)

2007-01-19 07:31:48 · 12 answers · asked by Abaris 3

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative;
he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services;
he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services;
he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing;
even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer;
he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration;
he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing;
although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist;
all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist;
all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector;
all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

2007-01-19 07:29:43 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

The first blonde yells to the other, "How do I get to the other side of the river?"

The second yells back, "You are on the other side of the river!"

2007-01-19 07:29:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money and was a real miser.
He loved money more than anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
So he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
She said, "I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check".

2007-01-19 07:28:20 · 10 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

There was a green house. Inside the green house there was a white house Inside the white house there was a red house. Inside the red house there were lots of babies.

what am i?

2007-01-19 07:26:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A women buys two parrots to keep her company. She takes them home and suddenly they start talking. "Were prostitutes, wanna good time" repeated several times. She tells a friend who suggests she sees the vicar as he has two parrots.. She discusses the matter with the vicar. The vicar says that his parrots are praying all day, and never stop/ he suggests bringing her parrots and putting them in the cage with his two. So she does this, and the vicars parrots say, "Thank you Lord, our prayers have been answered."

2007-01-19 07:24:00 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly towards him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint... my... house."

2007-01-19 07:22:27 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

America's Hat.

2007-01-19 07:22:17 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is scientifically proven if you get it right, you have an IQ of at least 260!!

What goes on four legs in the morning, on two legs at noon, and on three legs in the evening?

2007-01-19 07:17:20 · 14 answers · asked by James A 1

A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.

About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.

She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. "Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?" the man asked.

"Because," replied the blonde, "my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!"

2007-01-19 07:17:00 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A panda walks into a restaurant. He sits down and orders some food. The waiter brings the panda his meal. After he eats, when the waiter brings him the check, the panda takes out a gun and shoots him.
As the panda is leaving, the owner of the restaurant asks him, "Why did you shoot my waiter?" The panda replies, "I'm a panda. Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out.
The owner, now very confused, looks panda up in his dictionary. "Panda: A marsupial that lives in the mountains of China, eats shoots and leaves."

2007-01-19 07:15:03 · 23 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

John and Claire are just newly married. They are still a little shy about doing the "wild thing", so they decide to just refer to it as "washing the clothes". One night, Claire invites some of her friends over for dinner, but John is really horny and doesn't want to have to entertain their guests.

So, as Claire is serving the main course, he whispers in her ear, "Let's go wash the clothes". Claire is horrified that he could even suggest such a thing while they're entertaining, and she refuses. John tries again, but she won't give in. Claire tells him instead to go upstairs and get the candleholders from the hall closet. Frustrated, John slowly walks up the stairs to get them.

While he's upstairs, Claire thinks of the fun they'd have if they COULD "wash the clothes". Nah, she thinks. Not now. But eventually her imagination gets the best of her, and she tells the maid to run upstairs and tell John that she'll be up in a minute to help him. The maid finds John upstairs in the bedroom, and tells him that his wife will be up in a minute to help him wash the clothes.

"Tell her it's ok," says John. "I already did them by hand."

2007-01-19 07:14:26 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ans dis.. If U love sum1, U can arrange dis 12 letters into 3 words ( S R N I G T I A F E A R ) If U can't reply den it means U don't know wat is love.Rply me

2007-01-19 07:13:51 · 7 answers · asked by harry 1

slow down to 55 and push!

(The funniest part about this joke, Yahoo suggested the category "Dining out/Fast Food")

2007-01-19 07:10:15 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I make lots of noises. What am I?

2007-01-19 07:08:56 · 9 answers · asked by manna8888 1

One Hill-Billy was promised by some people in the village that " if you can kill the wolf who is hiding in the near by forest we will allow you to **** the hottest girl in the area". The man disappeared for couple of hours, then came back all messed up". He asked them with a victorious voice " where is the girl you want to kill??"!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-01-19 07:02:36 · 8 answers · asked by Tarek D 2

Mine is

Can't
Understand
Normal
Thinking

2007-01-19 07:00:21 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Any one have any ideas?????

2007-01-19 06:58:09 · 10 answers · asked by basenjicrazed 2

My best friends 18th birthday party is tonight and my other best friend and I are going to be bombarding this weird kid that she invited with questions. What are some intimidating questions that we should ask?

2007-01-19 06:56:59 · 30 answers · asked by Julie 2

SInce some of them got a little butt hurt.. guess I will show I can take it as much as I dish.. here are 3 of my husbands favs.

Why are womens feet so small?
So they can stand closer to the stove

Why doesnt a woman need a wrist watch?
Because she has one one the stove...

why dont men need to worry about whether their beer is twist top or not?
Because it should be open when their woman brings it to them.

2007-01-19 06:56:28 · 7 answers · asked by KTINA 3

2007-01-19 06:54:46 · 7 answers · asked by xicanabear 1

a something man with big feet whats the something???

2007-01-19 06:54:02 · 5 answers · asked by pixietrixee 1

2007-01-19 06:53:36 · 9 answers · asked by manna8888 1