Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

MONEY! What were u thinking!??? lol!

2007-01-19 09:48:32 · 4 answers · asked by oc 4

an irish man goes into a strip club.The dancer comes out with a only a scarf,g-string and bra on.She starts to dance and takes off the scarf,the irish guy shouts oh yea....The man in front wasnt to pleased turns around and gives a dirty look.The dancer proceeds to take off herbra,again the irish guy shouts oh yea.....The gentleman in front once again turns around gives a dirty look.The pole dancer then takes off her g-string and finished her dance then walked off.The man in front turned around to the irish guy and says where was your oh yea that time?The irish man simply replies"all over the back of your jacket"........

2007-01-19 09:43:31 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-19 09:42:33 · 46 answers · asked by Henry 1

theres this guy stranded in the desert for days without food. then he sees a guy with 2 camels coming and asks him for one. he says:ok but hes a weird one u have to say go to make him stop and praise the lord to make him go faster.". so he kept saying praise the lord to make hi go fastercwhen he sees a cliff up ahead. he yells"stop stop GO!!!" and they stop at the edge of the cliff."Praise the Lord"!!!

2007-01-19 09:42:20 · 13 answers · asked by !!! 3

A blond hooker was run over by a car and lies screaming in the road "I am blind I am blind" The medic looks her over and tells her that she is not blind but suffering from shock. "I am blind I am blind"she screams again. "Ok" says the medic, holding up 4 fingers "How many fingers have I got up" Screaming again she says" Christ I am paralyzed as well"

2007-01-19 09:41:16 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

farmer comes home worse for drink carrying a sheep under his arm bursts into the bedroom saying this is what i have sex with when we fall out. wife says ,you talking to me ? farmer says. no to dolly the sheep

2007-01-19 09:40:38 · 17 answers · asked by peter.w 4

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

2007-01-19 09:40:03 · 6 answers · asked by oc 4

Four nuns are driving to market and get hit by a drunk driver and all four nuns die. They get in line to go through pearly gates and wait for St. Peter to admit them.

St. Peter goes to the nuns and says "I realize that you are sisters of the cloth, but I must ask you if you have anything to report to me that might be a sin."

The sisters thought for a while and the first nun went to St. Peter. "I once touched a man's penis with this finger". St. Peter thought for a while and said. "I'm sure it was in the line of duty; Place your finger in that holy water and swirl it around." She did as she was instructed and "PING" she was in.

The second nun went to St. Peter and said, "I once touched a man's genitals with my entire right hand." Again St. Peter thought for a while and said, "I'm sure it was within your duties; Swirl your hand in that holy water and go in." The second nun did as she was instructed and "ping" she was in.

All of a sudden the 4th nun jumped in front of the 3rd nun. St. Peter was really confused by this. "How come you cut in front of Sister?"

The 4th nun replied, "I just wanted to know if I could gargle with that holy water before she soaked her *** in it!"

2007-01-19 09:37:45 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your *** downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

2007-01-19 09:34:48 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

2007-01-19 09:32:02 · 12 answers · asked by oc 4

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he emailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

2007-01-19 09:30:30 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit
unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blond woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try" she said, "but only if you'll promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle"

2007-01-19 09:29:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A horse travels a certain distance each day. Strangely enough, two of its legs travel 30
miles each day and the other two legs travel nearly 31 miles. It would seem that two of the horse's legs must be one mile ahead of the other two legs, but of course this can't be true. Since the horse is normal, how is this situation possible?

2007-01-19 09:25:59 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

i saw this video somewhere with a guy walking through the woods and explaining his beer company to u. he also says how clean the water is that they use and that they get it from a private lake. when he gets up to the lake theres a guy in it thats peeing from his boat!!!

2007-01-19 09:25:45 · 6 answers · asked by !!! 3

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

2007-01-19 09:22:56 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

i need serious help here.
i got the mp3 part.
and got to the audio part
but i can't plug in anything .
seriously stuck here. help.
thanks appreciated greatly.

2007-01-19 09:22:35 · 3 answers · asked by monkeyluva126 1

the pope has a bath in his under pants cos he doesn't like looking down on the unemployed

2007-01-19 09:21:37 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

what (clean,funny) joke would you say to make me laugh or smile

i just asked this a while ago and someone had it removed.which is ridiculous.

2007-01-19 09:20:46 · 3 answers · asked by LoVeLy 3

A man walks into a bar, absolutely infuriated. He grabs a seat and hunches over. The bartender leans over, sayin "What can I get'ya". The man orders a beer. As the bartender gives him the beer he asks him why he's in such a mood. The man replies saying " Lawyers are assholes man." Suddenly, a man in the back stood up. "HEY BUDDY, I TAKE OFFENCE TO THAT!" The man sitting down scowels and says "What are you a lawyer?" The man replies "NO, IM AN ASSHOLE".

2007-01-19 09:20:25 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bad Bathroom Experience

Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.

Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

2007-01-19 09:18:28 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I can be cracked, I can be made.
I can be told, I can be played.
What am I?

2007-01-19 09:15:33 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Stop that immediately,and put it away, shouted a policeman.so the stupid man did as he was told,but he couldn't stop himself from doubling up with laughter. OK, whats so funny demanded the policeman.i realy fooled you this time,he laughed,i may have put it away but i didnt stop.

2007-01-19 09:15:05 · 17 answers · asked by DEBORAH M 2

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?" !

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said



YOUR GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!











What's a headache?"

2007-01-19 09:10:21 · 19 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

1.] HAHAHAH pigeon
2.] X north america
3.] sleep and eggs
4.] HAPPY FAMILY [in bold text]

2007-01-19 09:10:20 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-19 09:09:41 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

---------------------------------
Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand Job $10.00
---------------------------------

Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill.
He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!"

The man replies "Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

2007-01-19 09:09:18 · 4 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied.
Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

2007-01-19 09:05:32 · 13 answers · asked by sheriff fatman 2

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead

2007-01-19 09:04:10 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing panties.

The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, "Little girl, take this and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on."

The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.

Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.

As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.

The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks to the priest calmly.

The priest hands the lady $1 and says... "Lady, take this money and for God's sake buy yourself a razor."

2007-01-19 09:00:41 · 10 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

2007-01-19 08:59:37 · 22 answers · asked by Spinning Times LLC 3