Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Do you think this is funny:

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

2007-01-19 13:17:51 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-19 13:17:40 · 5 answers · asked by meandyouagainsttheworldnow 2

ok here goes

a man has brought two children to visit the man's grandma but there was a problem, there's a river right before their grandma's house and ONLY one boat,unfortunately the boat can hold only 100kg and the man weights 80kg and each children weight 50kg, how are they going to cross the river? note there are no bridge so no ridiculous answers plezzz

2007-01-19 13:17:28 · 28 answers · asked by skynet 3

A Blonde's Year in Review
Jan. Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
Feb. Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels - Helllloooo!!! - bottles won't fit in printer!
March. Got really excited;finished jigsaw puzzle in 6months; box said '2-4years'.
April Trapped on escalator for hours - power went out.
May Tried to make Kool-Aid...wrong instructions - 8cups of water won't fit into these little packets!
June Tried to go waterskiing...couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July Lost breast-stroke swimming competition...learned later that the other swimmers cheated; they used their arms!!!
August Got locked out of my car in rain storm. Car swamped because soft-top was open.
Sept. The capital of California starts with the letter 'C', doesn't it??
Oct. - Hate M & Ms - they are so hard to peel.
Nov.- Couldn't call 911 - 'duh' - there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
Dec.- Baked the turkey for 4 1/2hrs - instructions said 1hr per lb & I
weight 108!!

2007-01-19 13:10:45 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I can tell you the score of any game before it even begins.

warning: i can not tell who wins i can only give the score...

so give me any game that's comming up in the future and i'll tell you the exact score of the two teams before the game even begins.

2007-01-19 13:10:21 · 12 answers · asked by talofa lava 2

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.
Little Johnny came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss
Crabtree, I ain't got no crayons."

"Little Johnny," Miss Crabtree said, "you mean, I don't have any
crayons. You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons.
They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Not really," Little Johnny said, "What happened to all the
******* crayons?"

2007-01-19 12:59:47 · 8 answers · asked by mysweetest666 1

A black guy goin to church... No im not racist and I think that was funny i dont mean to offend anyone but i think every joke is funny even the blond jokes and im a blond.
is a good blond joke how do you confuse a blond? tell her to pee in the corner of a circlular room. do you know how a blond confuses you? she tells you she peed in the corner!!!

2007-01-19 12:52:38 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the next letter in the following series (where the underscore is):
JRUOLMIEEO_
Why?

2007-01-19 12:46:37 · 13 answers · asked by wdfghj 1

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
- Why, of course, comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
- I'm from Ireland, replies the second man.
The first man responds by saying, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too. Let's have another round to Ireland".
- Of course!!, replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"
- Galway, comes the reply.
"I can't believe it!!", says the first man, "I'm from Galway too. Let's have another drink to Galway!!".
- Of course!! to Galway!!, replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"
- St Mary's, replies the second man, I graduated in 1962.
"This is unbelievable", the first man says. "I went to St Mary's and I graduated in 1962 too!!".

About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar.
- "What's been going on?" he asks the barman.
- "Nothing much", replies the barman. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again".

2007-01-19 12:39:23 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

bby how you react to it- be secure in yourself and you will be fine" What do you think of this statement???

2007-01-19 12:39:19 · 9 answers · asked by mesmerized 5

what cows drink
what has three legs but cannot walk
and tell me what animal can't jump.
answer all these easy ones.

2007-01-19 12:38:24 · 16 answers · asked by talofa lava 2

A MAN GOES INTO HIS OLD JOB AT THE MILL AND SAYS IS JOE IN NO CAME THE REPLY HES GONE FOR COTTON I'LL COME BACK 2 WEEKS TIME 2 WEEK LATER THE MAN RETURNS IS JOE IN NO AGAIN CAME THE REPLY HES GONE FOR COTTON OK I'LL COME BACK IN 4 MONTHS WHEN HE WALKS IN THE NEXT TIME HE ASKS IN JOE IN NO CAME THE REPLY HES DEAD WHAT WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN ASKS THE MAN 2 MONTHS AGO WHERE DID THEY BURY HIM WOULD LIKE TO PAY MY LAST RESPECTS OVER IN THE MILL CEMETERY SO THE MAN GETS SOME FLOWERS AND FINDS THE MANS GRAVE HE READS THE INSCRIPTION WHICH SAYS "JOE GONE BUT NOT FOR COTTON"

2007-01-19 12:30:37 · 22 answers · asked by colin050659 6

i'm bored right now so i want a laugh............... THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-01-19 12:14:34 · 10 answers · asked by mkh6294 2

A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.
"Mommy, Mommy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts.

"Well, son," she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they
inflate and float you up to heaven."

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite
satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes
into the kitchen. "Mommy, mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!"

"What do you mean?" says his mother.

"Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both of her
balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling,
"God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!"

2007-01-19 12:12:04 · 15 answers · asked by TNL 4

A woman recently lost her husband. Their marriage had been a very
lousy one, and she was relieved that he was finally gone.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the
ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me?"

She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Remember that new car you promised me?"

She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance
money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Remember that
bl o w job I promised you? Well ...... here it comes..."

2007-01-19 12:10:27 · 8 answers · asked by TNL 4

2)how do u put an elephant in the fridge

3)lion king is hosting an animal conferance all the ani mals attend exept 1 what animal

4) u must cross a river but crocodiles live in it what do u do?

2007-01-19 12:09:24 · 11 answers · asked by ur name here 1

cos he couldnt get is dxxk out of the chicken

2007-01-19 12:03:40 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

True or False: Jeremy irons

True or False: Snakes are used as belts by some Hindus

True or False: Bill Cosby was the first ever black man

True or False: Inside every cat there is trapped a rabbit, and when a cat says "miaow", it is actually the rabbit saying "get me out"

True or False: In Judo there is a move where in which the recipient of the blow reaches instant orgasm, leaving them wide open to attack

2007-01-19 12:03:16 · 7 answers · asked by Shyam R 1

A guy walks past the pool, and sees a leg-less and arm-less girl crying.He asks her what's wrong and she says," i've never been hugged before" so he hugs her.the next day, he sees her again and she is crying again.he asks her whats wrong and she says," i've never been kissed before" so he kisses her on the cheek.the next day, he sees her crying and asks her whats wrong.she replies," i've never been screwed before" so he picks her up and throws her into the pool!

2007-01-19 12:02:00 · 5 answers · asked by ░▒▓Mollyஐ▓▒░ 4

what do u get if
u put barbera
streisand and
barry manilow
back to back?

A:A pickaxe

2007-01-19 11:57:23 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

it's kind of obvious!

2007-01-19 11:50:11 · 19 answers · asked by blondeeee95 3

I have hands that wave at you, Though I never say goodbye. It's cool for you to be with me, Especially when I say, "HI." What am I?

2007-01-19 11:49:42 · 12 answers · asked by mysweetest666 1

2007-01-19 11:49:27 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-19 11:43:38 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-19 11:42:19 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Pimp was standing by his car, broken down on the side of the road. he had Gold chains,, Rolex Watch, diamond rings Diamond glasses, lots of Bling Bling, A truck get too close and takes his arm completely off, another motorist see this stops, picks up the severed arm and drives away, a few miles down the road the police catch the man, and charged him for what ?

2007-01-19 11:39:45 · 5 answers · asked by kevferg64 3

can you guess my name? first, middle, and last.

2007-01-19 11:39:14 · 3 answers · asked by Barbeaux 1

2 FINALISTS IN A POETRY COMPETITION WHERE GIVEN THE WORD TIMBUCKTU AND THE NUMBER 2 TO USE IN A POEM. 1ST FINALIST:-' sLOWLY CROSS THE DESERT SAND, TRECKED A LONELY CARAVAN,MEN ON CAMELS 2 BY 2, DESTINATION TIMBUCKTU! IRISH FINALIST: ME AND TIM A HUNTING WENT, MET 3 WHORES IN A POP UP TENT, THEY WAS THREE AND WE WAS 2, SO I BUCKED ONE AND TIMBUCKTU

2007-01-19 11:34:07 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

rustle

2007-01-19 11:32:04 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

as i walk through the area of darkness
there seems to be no light that i can grip or harness
there are people screaming in discomfort and pain
is this thing real or is it a game
i have in one hand a dollor bill the other a loaded gun
how much does it cost to kill? and is it any fun?
as i take the weapen and put it to my head
i pull the trigger and think about all those awuful things i said........

2007-01-19 11:29:35 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous