Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Or have a bullet put in you head???? while your sleeping?

2007-01-19 16:06:36 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Irish nuns were cycling along a cobbled street.

One said: "I've never Come this way before."

The other said: "ooh me neither It must be the cobbles"

2007-01-19 16:03:42 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-19 16:02:34 · 5 answers · asked by SOL SIREN 2

Announce when you're going to the bathroom "I am currently taking a sh*t so everyone, hold your nose"
Ask people to prove everything they say. (example: "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!")
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.
Ask people what gender they are.
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Go to the grocery store and ask the person behind the register if they sell food.
While waiting in line for something, narrate the current setting.
Go to McDonalds and ask for some food to feed the fish.
Run around holding your elbows and asking people to please take the straightjacket off you
Tell everyone that you are undercover.
Stand on a busy corner. Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look.
In a cafe, start humming the little mermaid song really loud.

2007-01-19 16:01:50 · 8 answers · asked by xrandomnessx 2

A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a DNR officer in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,"Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't it obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know, you could start at any minute. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the policeman. "That's true, but you have all the equipment.

2007-01-19 15:57:28 · 6 answers · asked by Mom of Three 6

The phone went in the hospital casualty department.

'Hello,' said a frantic voice. 'It's Mick Doolan here. Can you come quickly, my wife is having a baby.'

'I see,' said the receptionist. 'And is this her first child?'

'No,' said Doolan, 'this is her husband speaking.'

2007-01-19 15:50:02 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Say you're in a class full of students. The teacher's giving her lecture, and no one but her is talking. Suddenly, you know a big, wicked piece of fart is coming up and you just let er rip. What would be your next piece of action?

a. point your finger at the guy next to you.

b. pretend like nothing happened

c. let another one rip


also, what would you do if you had sharted (you tried to fart but instead sh*t came out)?

2007-01-19 15:40:38 · 7 answers · asked by Space Cadet 3

Need a laugh.

2007-01-19 15:37:05 · 8 answers · asked by SOL SIREN 2

An Irish girl on Vacation in Spain headed for the hotel roof for some sun.

On her first day up there she wore a bathing suit, but since there was no one around that day, she removed it in order to acquire an all-over tan.

She was lying on her stomach when she heard someone running up the stairs.

She quickly pulled a towel over herself and was confronted by the hotel assistant manager. "Excuse me," he said. "The hotel doesn’t mind you sunning yourself on the roof, but we would appreciate it if you wore a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What's the problem?" she asked. "No one can see me up here."

"That's not quite true," he replied. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

2007-01-19 15:32:55 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

What type of drug does a fish do?

2007-01-19 15:32:47 · 16 answers · asked by xrandomnessx 2

The jokes I read of people's on here were either corny or bad. The person who can give me their best joke will be chosen as the best answer. Make me laugh!

2007-01-19 15:26:00 · 8 answers · asked by ? 1

2007-01-19 15:25:15 · 16 answers · asked by goiowa6 2

A piece of a s s that will bring a tear to your eye

2007-01-19 15:21:34 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

One dies because he has no corner to cry in. :D

Sorry, no offence to anybody, this is just a joke I heard and it gave me a little chuckle..... so, just chill.... =*P

2007-01-19 15:20:39 · 16 answers · asked by ariel 2

My friend told me I could buy a life with 1 cent. What else can I buy?

2007-01-19 15:17:42 · 28 answers · asked by Space Cadet 3

Billy Bob and Vern talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Vern, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go and all."

"Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Pauline got pregnant.

"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Pauline got pregnant again.

"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Pauline didn't get pregnant again."

Vern asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Pauline with me." .

2007-01-19 15:12:00 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hear about the woman who married three different Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and he kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second one was in Sales, and he kept telling her how good it was going to be in the next release.

The third was in Tech Support, and he kept saying, "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now.???"

2007-01-19 15:02:54 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had died, Jenny went straight to visit her Grandmother.

When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gramma explained, not holding back anything of course, "He had a heart attack during sex, Sunday morning!"

Horrified Jenny suggesting that f**king at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble!

"Oh No," Her grandma replied, "We had sex every Sunday morning in time with the church bells!"

"In with the dings out with the dongs!" She paused to wipe away a tear, "If it wasn't for that damm Fire Engine passing by, He'd still be alive!!!

2007-01-19 14:59:52 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but his companion acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door.??

2007-01-19 14:58:56 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

The President was looking for a call girl and he found three such ladies in a local bar: a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.

To the blonde he said "I am the President of the United States of America. How much will it cost me to spend some time with you?"

The blonde replied, "For you, Mr. President, it will cost $500."

To the Redhead he asked the same question. She replied "I will spend all the time you want for $1,000."

When he approached the brunette he asked the same question and she said, "If you can raise my skirt as high as you've raised my taxes, and can get your pants as low as my wages, and get that thing of yours as hard as times are now, and screw me as well as you do the public, believe me, it won't cost you a damn thing!"

2007-01-19 14:57:22 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

With a puzzled look on his face an boy asked, "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"

She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.",

She explained. The Mother paused for a moment then asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

2007-01-19 14:54:12 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Jones. The boss thought I'm not hiring that lazy bum, so he decided to set a test for Jones, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." So Jones says, "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three tree's. The boss says, "What the hell's that?" Jones says, "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine." Fair enough, says the boss.

Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Jones stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says. The boss scratches his head and says, " How on earth do you get that to represent 99. Jones says, " Each tree's dirty now! so it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "Alright, question three.........

(continued below....)

2007-01-19 14:46:29 · 14 answers · asked by punchy333 6

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

And that hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy.

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!

That uniform makes your *** look really big.

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

You don't happen to have any beer in your car?

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

"Bad Cop! No Donut!"

Your not gonna check the trunk, are you?

"Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence."

"Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalizer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"

Did you happen to attend the "Barney Fife" Police Academy?

Didn't I see you get your *** kicked on Cops?

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends nitestand

2007-01-19 14:44:10 · 6 answers · asked by Cool Z 5

I made this one up: Only in America do people sell flammable things and lighters, matches, etc. in 2 completely separate parts of the store, yet keep guns and ammunition right next to each other.

2007-01-19 14:41:46 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

You have to total 15. You must use 5, 4, 3, and 1 each once and must use each number. You can add, subtract, divide, or multiply to get to 15.
Example (yet incorrect) 5x3 = 15...15+4=19 19-1 = 18.
Obviously wrong because you need 15 but anybody know this. I think there is two solutions! Thanks
Can't combine #'s... no 45 or 15 etc... there are 2 solutions

2007-01-19 14:29:25 · 9 answers · asked by Beantown Baby 1

The object that is bought is paid for with hard worked for money, then burned, yet the man who bought it is not disappointed nor is he rich, and he does have knowledge that it was burned. what is the object?

2007-01-19 14:27:02 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did the chicken cross the road?


To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.

2007-01-19 14:26:47 · 4 answers · asked by Jimfix 5

2007-01-19 14:25:02 · 32 answers · asked by anusha s 1

af first theirs a lot of sucking and blowing then you lose your house.

2007-01-19 14:22:21 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Seriously...

2007-01-19 14:22:13 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous