Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

i got 12 months

2007-01-19 23:14:51 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

i was at a stop light there was 2 lanes i was on right and there was a truck nxt to me on the left there was this blind lady waiting to cross the crosswalk so she crosses and walks right into the truck nxt to me she kinda moves around a little bit alll confused then just walks around the truck like its nothing.
i knew i shouldnt but i wanted to laugh really bad.
would you of laughed or honked at her or anything?

2007-01-19 23:06:13 · 14 answers · asked by xxb7crazieechickxx 1

Riddle me this....If three hens lay three eggs in three days.....How many hens will it take to lay one hundred eggs in one hundred days?????

2007-01-19 22:46:55 · 23 answers · asked by expat. 1

Jade Goody's professional diary mid Jan 2007 onwards !!!!!!!

2007-01-19 22:46:49 · 10 answers · asked by David 5

What is the common thing betwen Africa and the human body?

2007-01-19 22:39:41 · 10 answers · asked by Mehmet Azk 2

A man is holding a photograph of a child and makes the following statement.."Brothers and sisters I have none, but that man's father is my father's son. Who is in the photograph.

2007-01-19 22:29:26 · 22 answers · asked by expat. 1

Again think "anagram". Seldom becomes models,

2007-01-19 22:13:47 · 7 answers · asked by BRIAN C 2

Guitar jokes

Q: How do you make him stop playing?
A: Put notes on it!

Q: What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
A: Pick on someone your own size!

Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two lead guitarists playing in unison.

Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.

Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Give him a sheet of music.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".

Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
A: Would you like fries with that?

Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

this joke can b understood by a guitarist..!

2007-01-19 22:06:54 · 10 answers · asked by Subway_DNA 2

A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery and pulled a hefty bag face mask over his head...and then realized that he'd forgotten to cut holes in the mask.

2007-01-19 22:06:08 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”
The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

2007-01-19 22:02:24 · 10 answers · asked by Alkahest 3

test your psychic ability by answering these questions correctly...whoever gets the most correct gets the points...

1. What is my birds name?
a) Little One b) Sweety c) Little Man
2. How many brothers do I have?
a) 3 b) 1 c) 2
3. What is my favourite colour?
a) pink b) green c) orange
4. What do I like to put on my Ice Cream?
a) Milo b) Pepper c) Chocolate topping
5. Do I drink coke?
a) Yes b) No
6. What is my favourite food?
a) Chinese b) Mexican c) Thai
7. Am I single?
a) Yes b) No
8. Where do I live?
a) England b) Australia c) America
9. What colour hair do I have( you don't need to trust my avator)
a) brown b) red c) blonde d) green
10. Do I have a pet dog?
a) Yes b) No

2007-01-19 22:00:15 · 7 answers · asked by ♠EmilyJayne♠ 4

2007-01-19 21:51:36 · 18 answers · asked by Loren H 3

I find it good entertainment, but spoiled sometimes by the youngsters, they can be so acerbic!

2007-01-19 21:44:37 · 19 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.

After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"

2007-01-19 21:42:21 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.

"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."

"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back."

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear."

"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office.

"Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."

"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.
"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.

"Lady," the doctor reports, "those aren't bags, those are your boobs, and if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"

2007-01-19 21:38:08 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

”The Horses are at the Starting gate”

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Dick
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry


”And away they go!…”

”Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs, Big Dick is in a very dangerous spot.”

In the back stretch:

”It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.”

Around the final turn:

”Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.”

At The Finish:

”It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat.”

“It’s Big Dick!”

“Big Dick!”

“Oh wait, Passionate Lady is coming!”

“Passionate Lady is coming!”

“But Big Dick comes through with one final sprint and …wins by a head. Bare Belly shows. Heavy Bosom weakens and Thighs pull up.”


”The winner, Big Dick by a head.”

“Clean Sheets never had a chance!”

2007-01-19 21:27:25 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

2007-01-19 21:26:02 · 28 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

what will u do if u see OSAMA in a road without beard and moustache looks like a industrialist, but u know that it is osama????

2007-01-19 21:04:21 · 44 answers · asked by Anonymous

A scuffle started in the local one Friday night. Words were exchanged, then insults and finally blows. Bottles, glasses, people, flew through the air and Casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass which cut off his nose.

'Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand,' ordered McGinty. 'And we'll get him to the hospital.'

Out into the street they flew to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down.

Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department.

'Will he live?' inquired the boys.

Too late,' said the doctor, 'he's a goner.'

'Was it loss of blood?' asked Finbar.

'No, he drowned. You put his nose on upside down,' sighed the doc.

2007-01-19 20:58:55 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-19 20:33:13 · 12 answers · asked by bofors 1

One day a priest and a nun went golfing.
The first hole the priest missed an extremely easy put. He shouted, "Damn, missed again."

The nun, shocked, warned him "God will get you for that."

The next hole the same thing occurred. After the preist screamed "G** Damn It! Missed again" the nun repeated her warning "God will get you for that!"

On the third hole, the priest again missed, and cursed, but before the nun could repeat her warning, a bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck the nun dead.

A deep voice from the clouds boomed out "G** Damn It! Missed again!".

2007-01-19 20:23:14 · 32 answers · asked by snickers 1

I went into a record shop the other day and said,"Have you got anything by The Dors"? He said, "Yea, a bucket of sand and a fire extinguisher".

2007-01-19 20:22:25 · 13 answers · asked by brainyandy 6

Dog's way of thinking:
"My masters are so nice to me - they feed me,they take care of me,they play with me,they caress me...They must be Gods!"

Cat's way of thinking:
"My masters are so nice to me - they feed me,they take care of me,they play with me,they caress me...I must be a God!"

2007-01-19 20:01:59 · 13 answers · asked by Victory 4

Repeat Rapidly 10 Times Each:

1) Terrible Tina's Two Toned Turkeys Talking Trash Through TV Technology.

2) Big Boned Belgium Babes Baking Browies Between Belches.

Side Note: Why do I lose points for asking questions, jeesh that sucks!

2007-01-19 19:57:57 · 6 answers · asked by Mitch 2

2007-01-19 19:46:04 · 14 answers · asked by Knuckledragger 4

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys...

all on different limbs,... at different levels,...

some climbing up.

The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of
smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but
@ssholes.

2007-01-19 19:38:13 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

You gotta love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding
that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper
and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300
guests...
After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a
microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone
for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the brides and his family and to thank
his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone
a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyones chair,
including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift
for everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex
with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier
and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to
the best man and said, "F--- you". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F---you".
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "Im outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after
finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade,
as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge...making the brides parents pay over $32,000 for a 300
guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the brides and best
mans reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

2007-01-19 19:36:59 · 10 answers · asked by Sir Smoke-a-lot 3

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days,leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

2007-01-19 19:36:07 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.
"Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "yes, I remember. So?"

"Well...I would have gotten out today!"

2007-01-19 19:33:00 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

This Cowboy is riding the range when he gets ambushed by some indians. They take him back to their villiage to see the chief. The Chief looks at the cowboy and says:
"You White man, you will die at sundown, but Chief is not as evil as white man, so you gettum three wishes.

" What is your first wish?, The cowboy looks around, thinks, then, with a gulp, say: "well, can i talk to my horse o' great chief?
"The Chief looks puzzled, laughs to his tribe and says "he-he, sure white man you can talk to your horse".

So the cowboy goes to his horse and wispers in it's ear, the horse looks puzzled, but then with bright eyes it gallops off in a cloud of dust. The Indians just sit and laugh at the cowboy for wasting his wish. BUT, all of a sudden the horse returns with a Blonde riding upon its back. The indians look amazed. The chief grins, points to a secluded Teepee. The cowboy now looks embarrassed, so he takes the blonde and goes into the teepee. An hour later he comes out and says, "Chief, can i talk to my horse again"? The chief says sure, but that be wish number two. Ok says the cowboy.

The cowboys goes to the horse and once again wispers into it's ear, and with a gallop the horse is off!... 15 minutes later, the horse returns, this time having a Brunnette aboard. Once again the cowboy is shown the secluded teepee.

An hour later the cowboy comes out, obivously tired now, with only a few hours left before sundown. He looks to the chief, and before he says a word, the chief grins and says "Sure crazy white man you can talk to your horse.."

So the cowboy goes to the horse and GRABS him by the ear and yells

"LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT,...I SAID - GO GET A POSSE!!!"

2007-01-19 19:31:22 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous