Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

2007-01-20 05:22:09 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Confused

There was this Native American boy who was
confused so this is what he asked his mother:
Mom, why is my brother's name Windstorm?

She answered: Because he was conceived during
a wind storm.

Well, why is my sister's name Moon-shine? She
answered again: Because she was conceived when
the moon was shining.

The poor little boy looked sad and confused.

His mother said, ''Why are you so sad and confused
Brokenrubber?''

2007-01-20 05:21:41 · 9 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Man goes to the doctors.

Doctor: "I've got two bits of really bad news for you"
Man "Oh God! You'd better tell me doc..."
Doc "Well, thr first bot of bad news os that you have terminal cancer and you only have days to live"
Man "Oh sweet lord! And whats the other bad news?"
Doc: "You've got altzeimers"
Man: "Oh! Thank god for that! I thought you were going to tell me I've got terminal cancer!"

2007-01-20 05:21:20 · 16 answers · asked by Chrisssy 2

2007-01-20 05:14:48 · 49 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

2007-01-20 05:14:14 · 8 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

he met with a couple who were speaking about the party the night before.
"Was it good" the postie asked the man. "well you should know" said the man
What do ya mean" said postie.
"The game we played " said the woman, The one were all the men had to go upstairs and strip off and put a white sheet with a hole cut out in the middle, over their heads with just their erectio.ns hanging through the hole.
And" said the postie,
Well we women had to guess our men from the line up and your name came up 11 times...

2007-01-20 05:13:26 · 13 answers · asked by chris w. 7

.....because no one would look for good football players there.


yeah..... it was floating around during the OSU/Michigan game....

2007-01-20 05:09:24 · 5 answers · asked by punchy333 6

I love to laugh, laughter is a cure, and i really like Mr bean, and Peter Kay....which comedian leaves you rolling in laughter?

2007-01-20 05:09:05 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

On The Way To Prison

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

2007-01-20 05:04:39 · 20 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Suspenders

One day, in a small town in the middle of no-where, a redneck wearing nothing but jeans and suspenders was pumping gas into his pinto at the local gas station. To his surprise, a rich man in a Ferrari pulled up next to him to pump gas into his $600,000 car. As the rich man was pumping gas he looked over at the bewildered redneck. Noticing the admiration on his face the rich man asked, in a cocky tone, "what, you wanna race farm boy?" Not one to back down to a challenge the redneck replied in a defiant tone "I sure do city boy!"

Shortly after that, the two men had there cars lined up on a super long stretch of straight road. The two men were standing in between the two cars discussing how to insure a fair start.

They finally concluded that the rich man would hold up 3 fingers and do a count down. When the last finger dropped they would go for it. So the rich man opened his door and stepped into his car, then the redneck walked around to the door of his car and climbed in.

The rich man started the count down and when the last finger fell they took off.

The rich man decided to toy with the redneck and only shift up to second gear, but by the time he got to full speed in second gear the pinto was just a dot in his rear view mirror. "What a waste of time." the rich man thought.

suddenly, RRRRROOOOOOMMMMMM!!! The pinto went roaring by.

"Whoa!" the rich man said. So then he shifted up into 3rd then 4th gear to still give the redneck a sporting chance. Once again the pinto became a dot in his rear view mirror.

RRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!! To the rich man's surprise the pinto went flying by again!

"FINE!" The rich man shouted. So then he went all out, shifting up into 6th gear and putting the pedal to the floor. By now the Ferrari was doing about 210 Mph. The Ferrari blew by the pinto and once again the pinto became a tiny speck in his rear view.

RRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!! The pinto blew by him again, practically blowing the Ferrari's doors off.

Having been beaten by the pinto the rich man pulled over to the side of the road and stopped. In a rage he got out and slammed his door as the redneck backed up next to his car.

"WHAT KIND OF MOTOR DO YOU HAVE IN THAT PINTO!" Shouted the rich man.

The redneck climbed out of his Pinto shaking like a nervous Chihuahua and replied, "I have no idea, BUT I GOT MY SUSPENDERS CAUGHT IN YOUR DOOR!!"

2007-01-20 04:58:27 · 9 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Victoria Beckham comes down stairs one morning and David is crying in the kitchen.

"What's wrong David?" She asks.

"I've been trying to do this Tiger Jigsaw for ages and I just can't do it!" He replies.

"Oh David" She sighs. "Why don't you go and have a little lie down while I put these Frosties back in the box."

2007-01-20 04:57:57 · 18 answers · asked by Chrisssy 2

OK click on the blue button. You have to move everyone to the other side of the river. But the following rules apply:

The prisoner can not be around any of the family members without the policeman present.

The father can not be around any of the girls without the mother present.

The mother can not be around any of the boys without the father present.

You can only take two per trip across the river. And only the mother, father and policeman know how to move it.

Click on the people to move them and click on the red pole to move the raft.

http://freeweb.siol.net/danej/riverIQGame.swf

How the heck do you do this? I dont get it. hahahahaha

2007-01-20 04:57:56 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

for an examination up his botto.m
Whats wrong Doc can you see anything" he asked.
Well said the Doc." I can see a lettuce leaf sticking out"
" whats wrong with me, " Is it serious"
The Doctor said. " Well Its just the tip of the iceberg"

2007-01-20 04:55:09 · 8 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Pronounced as one letter
And written with three
Two letters there are
And two only in me
I am double,I am single
I am black,blue and grey
I am read from both ends
And the same either way

2007-01-20 04:53:26 · 5 answers · asked by shadeygal 2

Clothing Sale

Bubba didn't know what the sign in the store window meant when he concocted an idea.

The sign said "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair".

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Ray, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Arkansas, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best Texas drawl."

They go in and Bubba says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ......"

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Arkansas, aren't you?"

"Well...yes," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you know that?"

The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."

2007-01-20 04:51:51 · 7 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

he decided to while away eternity looking at the scriptures and learning them in all the different languages. After 3 years and much studying the angels heard the pope crying Oh No , Oh no ,he forgot the r, he forgot the r, Who did and what r. said the angels.The man who wrote the scriptures it should have said. celibrate.....

2007-01-20 04:48:13 · 14 answers · asked by chris w. 7

English in three lessons:

Lesson One (Beginner):
Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watches which Swatch watch?

Lesson Two (Intermediate):
Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watches which Swatch watch switch?

Lesson Three (Advanced):
Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitches, watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitch1, which wishes to be a switched swiss witch-bitch1, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch watch switch?

2007-01-20 04:45:20 · 4 answers · asked by Victory 4

George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech. After his talk he offers question time.One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

"Bob".

"And what is your question, Bob?"

"I have 3 questions.

First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?

And third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand . George points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions.

First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?

Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?!

And fifth, Where is "Bob"? !!

2007-01-20 04:44:08 · 30 answers · asked by Electric 7

The man orders fries a cheese burger and a coke.
the ostrich said thankyou and i'll have the same.
That will be £5 and 45 pence said the waitress"
So the man dug into his pocket and brought out the exact money.

The next day back he goes again to the same table.
I'll have fries and sausage and a coffee please"
The ostrich said and i'll have the same".
The waitress said" that will be £6 and 3 pence please".
The man dug into his pocket and brought out the exact money.

A week later back he goes again to the same table,
I'll have steak and salad and a fruit juice please"
I'll have the same said the ostrich"
That will be £10 and 27 pence" said the waitress.
The man dug into his pocket and brought out the exact money.
The waitress asked "how come you always have the correct money"

Well said the man. "A genie granted me 2 wishes and i wished to always have the money to pay for anything i want.The exact money and to never be short." Oh wow she said," that must be great ",

2007-01-20 04:42:20 · 15 answers · asked by chris w. 7

What do you think of people who don't admit to the person they play a joke on that it was them? I think it's cruel and it's not a joke but they're laughing at you and not w/ you. How is the person supposed to know the joke is a joke if they don't know who's doing it?

2007-01-20 04:36:38 · 4 answers · asked by uknowme 6

2007-01-20 04:31:59 · 19 answers · asked by stiffback@btopenworld.com 1

I can't solve this one:

I + II + III = IIII

All of the lines represent toothpicks. You have to move one toothpick to make the answer equal to four. From what I was told, you cannot change the addition signs, nor change anything with the equal to sign. The answer must always equal four, so you cannot move one toothpick from the left of the equation to the right.

Any ideas?

2007-01-20 04:21:02 · 6 answers · asked by CatholicJoe 1

Mine is ..."I used to be with 'it', but then they changed what 'it' was, now what I'm with isn't 'it'"

2007-01-20 04:20:19 · 18 answers · asked by John H 3

the best answer is the one who makes me laugh

2007-01-20 04:14:49 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

stingy man
a stingy man was kepting a coin firmly in his hand such that his hand sweats and sweat was pouring from his hand. the man said to coin : even if you cry until tomorrow i wont spend you.

2007-01-20 04:03:13 · 8 answers · asked by saeed 1

The fore man asks what experience they all have in the construction industry,

Englishmnan says that he has done a bit of hod carrying so the fore man sends him off doing that.

The Irishman says he has done a bit of ground works, so the foreman gets him laying pipes.

Th Chinese man says that he has no experience whatsoever but is willing to learn anything so the foreman tells him to work on supplies,

A few weeks go by and the Englishman and the Irishman bump into each other occasionally but never see the chinese man.

One day the Englishman says to the Irishman " Hey, what happened to that Chink that started with us?"

The Irishman replies "I don't know, He got put on supplies but I haven't seen him for weeks"

Just then Th e chinese man jumps out behind a stack of bricks and shouts.........."SUPPLIES!"

2007-01-20 03:58:22 · 13 answers · asked by jabelite 3

A young indian boy asks the Shaman: How does babies get their names?
Shaman answers: When a new indian boy or girl is born, the father steps out of the tepee and names the baby after the first thing he sees. When your brother was born, your father stepped out of the teepee and say a hawk flying in the sky so he named your brother, "Soaring Hawk".
Young Indian boy asks: How did my sister get her name?
Shaman answers: When your sister was born, your father stepped out of the tepee and the first thing he saw was a deer running across the meadow, so he named her "Running Deer".
Young Indian boy then asks: Then how did I get my name?!
Shaman answers: Why do you ask so many questions, "Bear-taking-a-dump-in-the woods!!!!

2007-01-20 03:56:43 · 3 answers · asked by Bingo 2

Yeah, it was horrible.......they found him dead the next day in his tepee..................

hey, I'm tryin' here!

2007-01-20 03:54:10 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-20 03:53:59 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is this political joke funny enough to override its "stink" factor?

So Akbar shows Abu a picture of his 1st born.
" This was Mahmoud, He is a martyr."

He shows another picture.
"And this is Mohammed. He too is a martyr."

And another.
"And this was our youngest Yassir. He also was a martyr."

Abu comments, " Ah children, they blow up so fast!"

2007-01-20 03:44:45 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous