whats the best joke you ever heard?

Question

the best answer is the one who makes me laugh

Answer 1

One day a man was working in a bar and five blondes came in and ordered ten bottles of champagne. They sat down at a table then three more blondes came in.

The eight blondes started up a chant, cheering loudly, "54 days, 54 days, 54 days!"

Soon, two more blondes came in carrying a framed child's Mickey Mouse jigsaw puzzle. Now the blondes started chanting even louder as they poured the champagne and had a huge celebration.

Finally, dying of curiosity, the bartender walked over and asked what exactly they were celebrating for. "We have just proven that all blondes aren't dumb. The side of this jigsaws box says 2 to 4 years but we completed it in just 54 days!"
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Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
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A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom see's her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dress's quickly and goes to find him. The son see's his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time." says the boy.
"Why is that?" asked him mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
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Answer 2

the dumbiest one has to be this one: A snail walks into a bar and the bartender kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?" the funniest one by far is this one: lol A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?" Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

Answer 3

I don't know if this is the funniest I have ever heard, but one of the better ones for sure! Hope you enjoy.


A couple had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marr iage was the husband's habit farting loudly every morning when he awoke The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned. The years went by and he continued to blast them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was
preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving while he
was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and; I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife

Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.


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Answer 4

I haven't heard it yet and if I had I would not tell you because I don't give a fig about 10 point's you can only ask question's with them and like money and all you have you can not take it with you if you don't use what you have here some one El's will because from dust you are made and to dust you will return along with the rest of the world so have a nice day while you can.to day you have tomorrow who knows.

Answer 5

This is the most random and idiotic joke I've ever heard, but it still makes me laugh.

Why did poor little Suzie fall of the swings?

ANS. Because somebody chucked a dishwasher at her.

Answer 6

An old man was sitting at a bar, in walks a young guy he had green, red and yellow streaks threw his hair, he sat down near the old guy, he looked at the kid, the kid said haven't you ever done anything crazy in your life old man? The old guy thought for a minute and said "Why yes I have one night I got drunk and had sex with a parrot and thought you might be my son".

Answer 7

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

Answer 8

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan).

WIFE:
Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
- - silence - -

HUSBAND:
F**k

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A GRL WALKS INTO HER HOUSE WITH A NOTE FROM THE NURSE SAYING SHE NEEDED GLASSES.
THE GRL:" MOM DO WE HAVE EYE INSURANCE?"
THE MOTHER: "BABY WE DONT EVEN HAVE LIFE INSURANCE"

Answer 9

well ....i think all the jokes on this page are funny!thanks for asking the question and for the 2 points.haha!

Answer 10

A black baby died & went to heaven when the baby got there it asked am I an angel and god said naw ***** you a bat!