Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

A man arrived at a small village in India, and he could barely walk. He asked a villager where he might find a doctor, and he was directed to a tent. The man hobbled inside and groaned, "Oh doctor, can you please help me?"
"What's wrong?" said the doctor.

"Well, my a$$h0le is in terrible pain."

"Let me look," replied the doctor.

So the guy dropped his pants and the doctor saw that his a$$h0le was the size of basketball.

"Wow, how did you get your a$$h0le that big?"

"An elephant had his way with me."

"Well sir, I may be a human doctor, but I know that elephants have extremely long and skinny peni$es."

"Yeah, I know. But this elephant used his finger."

2007-01-20 09:39:28 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Things To Do In A Boring Film!!
Throw popcorn in the air + yell its snowing!
Go "Ohhhhhh" everytime sum1 kisses!
Clap when the bad guy gets killed.
During the adverts yell "Can u fast forward it??"
Wheneva the bad guy is doin sumfin devious yell "Watch Out!"
Laugh really loud at all the stupid jokes!
Tell sum1 the toilets are flooding.
Yell "Shut up,im trying to listen"
Shout oh i know whats gonna hapen now(then tell them)
Lie down on the floor + pretend 2 be dead.

Ways to p*** ur parents off
Say that wearing clothes is against your religion
Stand over them at four in the morning smiling and say, good morning sunshine
Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time
In public yell,No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!
Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people
Run around with a lamp shade on your head yelling, "the sun! it's dying!
At everything they say yell, Liar
Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA"...

2007-01-20 09:36:14 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

2007-01-20 09:32:06 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FR: MANAGEMENT
RE: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

To assure the highest quality level of work, we have enacted a new training policy through our SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.*.*.*.) program. We endevor to give employees more S.*.*.*. than anyone else.

If you feel you do not receive your share of S.*.*.*., please see your manager. You will be placed at the top of the S.*.*.*. list. Our managers are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.*.*.*. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.*.*.*. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.*.*.*.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.*.*.*. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.*.*.*.). Since our managers took S.*.*.*. before being promoted, they are full of S.*.*.*. already, and don't have to do S.*.*.*. anymore.

2007-01-20 09:25:58 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

2007-01-20 09:25:39 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

WHAT DO A 9 VOLT BATTERY AND A WOMAN'S A**HOLE HAVE IN COMMON? YOU KNOW IT'S WRONG BUT SOONER OR LATER YOU ARE GOING TO TOUCH IT WITH YOUR TONGUE

2007-01-20 09:24:31 · 22 answers · asked by SPONGEBOB 1

I am 15 and my friends and i are going to be on a class trip to boston. I want to play some funny practical jokes on them in the hotel :)

2007-01-20 09:23:18 · 11 answers · asked by love*pink 3

2007-01-20 09:20:49 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was on his way home, he saw a man with a mask, he went back from whence he came, where did he come from?

2007-01-20 09:15:54 · 24 answers · asked by bodacious baby 7

2007-01-20 09:15:32 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

i need a DANG good comeback to a teenage girl!!! FAST!! thank you

2007-01-20 09:11:03 · 8 answers · asked by i_luv_benji04 1

2007-01-20 09:08:18 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I remember when Carter was elected president. All the newcasters started talking like they had a mouthful of grits, or cornpone. Now what happens if OBAMA gets in? Do we all have to have Watermelon, Catfish and drive DUBS.

Racist? So what if I am you can't do anything about it except report me to YAHOO. I'm gonna report you na na na na.

2007-01-20 08:53:04 · 7 answers · asked by Jim R 4

a belly button

2007-01-20 08:53:01 · 34 answers · asked by JESTER 3

2007-01-20 08:38:56 · 7 answers · asked by Ted 2

3. You know why? Becuase half of 2 is 1, + 2 is 3.

Did you like it???

Please check my profile and answer my last question.

2007-01-20 08:37:32 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives her husband a big kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Merc and Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous lady on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

2007-01-20 08:36:48 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-20 08:35:25 · 11 answers · asked by jaywalker252 2

asked this puzzler today and aint got the foggiest.
i,m greater than god
worse than the devil
and if you eat me u die!
help required please!!

2007-01-20 08:33:22 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

2007-01-20 08:31:48 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

He loves their blue light specials. Boys clothing, half off!

Let the groans begin...lol

2007-01-20 08:30:28 · 12 answers · asked by Mr Mojo Risin 4

"The Elephant has died!" replied the Keeper.
"How very sad", replied the visitor, "But I,m sure that they will get a new one.".
"I,m not bothered about THAT", said the Keeper, " I,ve got to fuckin' bury it!".

2007-01-20 08:25:08 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-20 08:21:39 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country
lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the guy's lustful desire
rises to a peak.

He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I
really do need to pee." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies,
"OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge." She nods in agreement and disappears
behind the hedge.

As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her
voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his
animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and
touches her
leg.

He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with
great astonishment finds himself
gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My God Mary have you changed your
sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a sh.it
instead."

2007-01-20 08:20:57 · 50 answers · asked by Anonymous

...we still have a problem with class - but can still joke about it on, say, Parkinson et al, but we don't hear many jokes on race & religion, partly because they're not allowed...the last throw of the dice was Ali G who sent up a section of black culture - everyone was eventually doing the voices, but I doubt he'd try his hand at Muslims...would everyone start going around talking like Imams? I think not.

2007-01-20 08:14:56 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

After 6 months at sea, I come home and go into the local brothel. I tell the madame that I need a woman, but I only have $5. She tells me to go down the hall and the room would be the last door on the right.

I enter the room and there is an old skanky woman chain smoking Pall Mall's as she is watching the Price is Right. She tells me to hop on and do my thing.I leave the room 5 minutes later, disgusted, but relieved.

I head back to the ship and that night I realize I got crabs!!! I storm back into the brothel the next day and yell at the madame, "The girl you gave me yesterday gave me crabs!!!"

The madame looks at me and says, "What were you expecting for five bucks, Lobster!!!"

2007-01-20 08:12:18 · 8 answers · asked by Mr Mojo Risin 4

Please no hide-and-duke the upper deck or the switch to maid service when the sign really said do not disurb........At the hotel that I am going to has signs that only say "Do NOT disturb"...............Oh yea and tell me if this is ok to do.....take the sign and slip it UNDER thier door!

2007-01-20 08:08:34 · 7 answers · asked by Brown-Eyed-Beauty 3

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

2007-01-20 08:07:09 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do elephants use for tampons?

Sheep.

************

What do elephants use for vibrators?

Epileptic sheep.

2007-01-20 08:06:15 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One is white, plastic, and dangerous for kids, and the other is a plastic bag.

2007-01-20 08:05:54 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous