Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Italian friend got all the girls when they went to the beach. He said follow me and he went to his car and handed him a potato and said "put in in your swimming trunks." The guy did it and started walking by a bunch of hot girls and when they saw him they all ran away screaming. He then went back to his Italian friend and said, "It didn't work!" His Italian friend said, "Hey stupid. You're supposed to put it in the front of your trunks...not the back!"

2007-01-20 08:05:54 · 16 answers · asked by Raven 5

I haven't done a really good prank yet! Can somebody help me out?

2007-01-20 08:04:54 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper. After weeks of training the young man got to jump out of his first plane. The young man watched people ahead of him go and when it was his turn to jump he got scared and sat back down. The troop leader said to the young man, "IF YOU DON'T JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE I'LL STICK MY DICK UP YOUR ***!"

A few weeks later the young man returned home and told his father what happened who asked, "Did you jump?"


The boy said, "A little at first!"

2007-01-20 08:03:52 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunch time she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favourite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

2007-01-20 08:02:48 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

You're good in architecture
But weak in Islamic arts
Mediocre you are in history
But great in drawing charts
You claim so many talents
Though the best is throwing darts
You boast a perfect charcter
You're an a ss that always farts
The greatest you can get
Is a whip when pulling carts
You sound very much romantic
You're always breaking hearts
In a world of competition
You're a race that never starts
If eating cakes is very sweet
The sweeter is eating tarts

2007-01-20 08:02:24 · 7 answers · asked by Mehmet Azk 2

buckets. He walks up to porch where an old man is in his rocker.
"Good morning," says the young man.
"Howdy," says the old fella.
"I see you have milk weed growing behind the barn. Do mind if I get some milk?"
The old fella laughed, "You can't get milk from milk weeds. But, help yourself."

The young man walks into the field and comes back carrying 2 buckets of milk. The old fella thinks, "Well I'll be."

The man drives away, but comes back the next day. He approaches the old fella with 2 more buckets and says, "Well, I see you have some honeysuckles growing behind the house. Do you mind if I get some honey?"
The old man laughs, "You can't get honey from honeysuckles, but go help yourself.
The man comes back carrying 2 buckets of honey. The old man says, "Well, I'll be."

The man drives away and comes back the next day. He approaches the porch and asks, "I see you have some pussywillows..."
The old man cuts him off as he bolts from his chair, "Let me put my shoes on."

2007-01-20 07:55:36 · 13 answers · asked by Mr Mojo Risin 4

A. a scrotum pole

2007-01-20 07:55:19 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hey! Watch this...

2007-01-20 07:49:17 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!

TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!

TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?" LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.

TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.

2007-01-20 07:48:04 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm as small as an ant, as big as a whale. I'll approach like a breeeze, but can come like a gale. By some I get hit, but all have shown fear. I'll dance to the music, though I can't hear. Of names I have many, of names I have one. I'm as slow as a snail, but from me you can't run. What am I?

10 points to the first person to get it right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-01-20 07:45:16 · 8 answers · asked by limallama 4

This is funny, the joke got erased the other day! But some of you wanted to see it again!


Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

2007-01-20 07:44:27 · 6 answers · asked by TNL 4

This guy is in in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on
the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock and it is 3:30 in the
morning.

"Who on earth can that be at this time in the morning?!"

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?"
said his wife, "It might be an emergency".

The guy groans, puts on his dressing gown and goes to answer the
door. He opens the door to find a bloke standing there.

"Eh mate, can you give us a push?" he says.

"No get lost, it's gone three in the morning" came the reply.

The guy went back to bed, climbed in and told his wife.

"Well that wasn't very nice of you Dave. Remember that night we
broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the
babysitter and you had to knock on someone's door then. They helped
get us started again. What would have happened if he'd told you to
get lost?"

"Oh for goodness sake, okay I'll go and help him." So he quickly
gets dressed, goes down to the door but he can't see the stranger so
he shouts for him.

"Hey there, sorry I was a bit shirty with you, do you still need a push?

He hears a voice reply "Yeah please mate".

He still cant's see the stranger so he shouts again, " Where are you,
I can't seem to see you?"

The stranger replies, "Over here on the swings."

2007-01-20 07:40:20 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was in the pub the other day when
I asked the barman for some change for the cigarette machine,
I put my money in and the cigarette machine shouted "Your a fat b@stard, your not getting any fags, Now f#ck off!"
I couldn't believe it so I went to tell the barman, as I waited for him I helped myself to some peanuts that were in a bowl at the bar, as I did they started to speak to me "Hi , Nice tan, Your'e looking good today, Have you been working out?"
When the barman came over I told him what had happened with the cigarette machine and the peanuts,
He replied "well the cigarette machine is Out of Order but the peanuts are Complimentary."

2007-01-20 07:39:50 · 12 answers · asked by jabelite 3

A brunette after telling a blonde joke.

2007-01-20 07:37:17 · 11 answers · asked by Sherri ptown 3

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one
night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot.
As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front
window.
“B’jeesus” said Paddy “Will ye look at how fookin short dat
runway is”.
“You’re not fookin kiddin, Paddy” replied Shamus. “Dis is gonna
be one a’de trickiest landings you’re ever gonna see” said Paddy.
“You’re not fookin kiddin, Paddy” replied Shamus.
“Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in
reverse”said Paddy.
“Right, I’ll be doing dat” replied Shamus.
“And den ye put de flaps down straight away” said Paddy
“Right, I’ll be doing dat” replied Shamus.
“And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can” said Paddy
“Right, I’ll be doing dat” replied Shamus.
“And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a’ your soul” said
Paddy
“I be doing dat already” replied Shamus.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of
nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put
the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed
to Mother Mary with all of his soul.

Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke,
the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much
to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy
looked out the front window and said to Shamus
“Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in
me whole life”.

Shamus looked out the side window and replied “Yeah Paddy, but
look how fookin wide it is”

2007-01-20 07:35:33 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding
he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into
his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his
hands. "Vere dit yew git dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a Genie?," Sven asked.

"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle pox," says Olaf.

"Could I see him?"

Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your
master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes, I will," says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting
there, waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is
filled with the sound
of a million ducks flying overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf. "Yumpin'Yimminy!
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of
hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

2007-01-20 07:32:35 · 15 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

2007-01-20 07:30:07 · 13 answers · asked by Sherri ptown 3

The more he struggles the more he gets stuck. He sees someone walking a little further down and calls him over.'You're in luck today 'said the stranger,' I'm a fairy, I'll get you outbut first you must take all your clothes off and let me make love to you'.The farmer,desperate to be freed agrees.When the deed was done the fairy asked the farmer 'What's your name?' 'Giles' he answered. 'And how old are you Giles?' 'I'm 50'.
'50...and you still believe in fairies?'

2007-01-20 07:26:17 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this blonde who always wanted a chance to ride a horse. Finally she got a chance. she went out to the corral and, looking over the choices, picked out the biggest most beautiful one of all.

as soon as she got in the saddle, BAM! the horse took off like all of hades was after it. The blonde wasn't set yet, and started screaming as she slid down the side of the horse. HHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she screamed, as her hold kept slipping closer and closer to the pounding hooves "I know" she said, "I'll jump clear", but when she jumped, her foot got caught in the saddle straps and was draged by the runaway horse, her head struck the ground repeatedly, and she couldn't get back up. Just as she was about to pass out,................

the worried Wal-Mart clerk hurriedly rushed out and unplugged the horse.

2007-01-20 07:23:15 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cos they've tidied up and put a quiche in the oven and are still there criticising your furniture.

2007-01-20 07:21:00 · 13 answers · asked by Missing Link 3

A female reporter was doing an interview on an Indian Reservation. She saw a young Indian wearing a single feather in his headband.

She asked, " What does that feather mean?"
The Indian answers, " Me fucka one squaw."

She thought the boy was teasing her so she saw a man with 3 feathers in his head band and asked, "What do those 3 feathers mean?"
He answers, "Me fucka 3 squaw?"

Still thinking these guys are lying, she goes to the chief and his headpiece has hundreds of feathers. She asks, "Chief, what do all those feathers stand for?"
He says, "Me fucka anything!"
The reporter exclaims, "Oh my dear!!!"
The chief says, "No! No deer! Butt to high and run too fast!!!"

2007-01-20 07:18:13 · 10 answers · asked by Mr Mojo Risin 4

Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, Gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

2007-01-20 07:12:16 · 8 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

A man walks into a restraunt and sees a very attractive woman. So he gets a waiter to give her a note asking her out. He gets a note back saying "For me to go out with you, you must have £1M in the bank, a ferarri in your garage and 7 inches in your pants." The woman recieves a note back from the man saying "For your information I have £50M in my bank, a ferrari, a jag and a private jet, but not even a woman as beautiful as you will make me cut 5 inches of my penis!

2007-01-20 07:10:49 · 19 answers · asked by babiafc 2

You walk up to a mountain that has two paths. One leads to the other side of the mountain, and the other will get you lost forever. On the road you meet two twins that know the path that leads to the other side. You can ask them only one question. One of the twins only tells lies and the other only tells the truth, and you don't know which is which.

So, What do you Ask?

2007-01-20 07:10:46 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and started talking with the
workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,
more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do to make her
feel important. They even gave her very own hard hat and gloves.
At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope
containing two pounds in 10p coins.
The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that
they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start
a savings account.
When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to
the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and
the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
"You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the bank
cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men
building a big house."
"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the
house again this week, as well?"
The little girl thought for a moment and said ...
"I think so. Provided those c*nts at Jewsons deliver the f**king
bricks."

2007-01-20 07:08:40 · 10 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

Number of physicians in the U.S. 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year 120,000
Accidental deaths per physician 0.171

Number of gun owners in the U.S. 80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500
Accidental deaths per gun owner 0.0000188

Therefore, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Scary, huh?

2007-01-20 06:59:17 · 9 answers · asked by punchy333 6

A young Native American boy goes to the tribe's elder and asks, "How are Indians given their names?" The elder replies, "Children in this tribe are named after the first thing their mother sees after giving birth. On the morning your sister was born, your mother saw a beautiful butterfly floating on the breeze. That is why she is called Floating Butterfly. When your brother was born, there was a full moon and silhouetted against it was a wolf. So he was named Wolf of the Full Moon. Your mother was born just after a terrible storm that ravaged our village. That is why she is called Quiet Storm. Why do you ask, Two Dogs F***ing?"

2007-01-20 06:55:20 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tell me ur favorite music and singer with a song they sing.

2007-01-20 06:42:58 · 4 answers · asked by leo_s09 3

there was an elderly couple going to McDonalds. they walked in mcdonalds and the husband ordered 1 cheesburger 1 small frie and 2 small drinks. they went and sat down n the man counted the fries and gave half to his wife. he neatly cut the sandwich n half n began 2 eat.a younger couple was sitting at the next table n the young man walked up to the elder wife n asked could he buy her something 2 eat. she said no she took a sip 4rm her drink n watched her husband eat. the same man came back n asked could he buy her something 2 eat she said no we share everything. he went back n sat down. a few minutes later he came back and said y cant i buy u anything. all u r doing is watching him eat. she replied i told u we share everything he said yea. she said i am waiting on the teeth

2007-01-20 06:38:47 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in.

She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries?

2007-01-20 06:38:32 · 15 answers · asked by Tink 5