Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

'Screw me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga?'

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can sure make your Bed Rock!'

I lost my puppy, can you help me find him....I think he went to a cheap motel'.

'Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?'

'Hi, I suffer from amnesia.....do I come here often?'

2007-01-20 11:02:24 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"
Day 2:
"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"
Day 3:
"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25."

*another one*
A blonde walks out from a bus and a pollice officer spots her walking on the street, her left breast hanging out. He walks up and says, "Ma'am, I can charge you for indecent exposure. Your left breast is hanging out of your blouse. The blonde looks down and with huge eyes screams, "Omigod!!!!!!!!! I left the baby on the bus!!!!!!!!!!

2007-01-20 10:58:23 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

what has thousands of letters and starts with "gas"

2007-01-20 10:58:16 · 15 answers · asked by Joseph 2

Brothers and sisters I have none, but this man's father is my father's son. (Who is this man?)

And, can you prove why?

2007-01-20 10:57:43 · 31 answers · asked by flyLeft alto 1

I like the pencil better.....

2007-01-20 10:54:55 · 20 answers · asked by emilyy:) 3

They want to.

2007-01-20 10:54:24 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. How many REAL men does it take to change a light bulb?
A Real men don't mind the dark.

Q. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A. Swim for it!

Tom is driving down a narrow country lane when he slows down to let another vehicle pass him going the other way. The other driver shouts 'Pig!' as he passes, Tom shouts back, 'Bastard!', then crashes into a pig.

2007-01-20 10:50:59 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A tall, thin, redhead sits at his desk every night, and talks to a drummer. He makes jokes and presents skits. He even gets to talk to celebrities. His name is Conan O'Brien!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rate my joke. If you like it and want to read other funny ones, click on my name and then on My Questions.

2007-01-20 10:42:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

wo boys wer playing tag. tom tags john then climbs a really high tree 2 hide from john. without realising he falls 2 his death. ut 4 reachin the ground john tags him and shouts YOURE IT!!

after realising tom has died john rushes for help and tells toms family.

at toms funeral every1 including john is very upset and grieving.
TOMS MOM: john, any last words 2 .....tom?
JOHN: (softly crying)......you.......were...............................IT!!!

2007-01-20 10:42:09 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three millionaires, a Jew, a Black man and a White man, sip on Coke and ask young hopefuls to enter the room one by one. Each person gets 2 minutes to sing them a song. If the three millionaires like it, they tell them they're going to Hollywood. The millionaires names are Paula, Randy and Simon! It's American Idol!!!!!!!!!!!

Rate my joke & if you like it and want to read other funny ones, click on my name/My Questions.

2007-01-20 10:40:12 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yo momma is so stupid I asked her if she wanted to come and when we got there she shot it.

2007-01-20 10:33:56 · 46 answers · asked by ♠Jenny♠ 2

Do you have any good pranks to pull on boys whan they are sleeping?

2007-01-20 10:33:48 · 18 answers · asked by XxXCutieXxX 2

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

2007-01-20 10:29:53 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-20 10:28:45 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
"That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."

2007-01-20 10:27:30 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-20 10:23:22 · 13 answers · asked by Barbeaux 1

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle
the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the
washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
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Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
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Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold them while you chop away.
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Always poo at work, not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.


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Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place, you fat idiot.


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Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach then pee into it before jumping in

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Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

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Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

2007-01-20 10:22:57 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,

"Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once,and I need something to keep me horny.. keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says,

"Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."

The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."

The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants.The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says,

"Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat."

The pharmacist replies,

"You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are you?"

The man says,

"No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

2007-01-20 10:21:39 · 21 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Can you say Irish wrist watch, without getting tongue tied?
Beats Peter piper.

2007-01-20 10:16:25 · 10 answers · asked by samootch 2

Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag.
1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?"

2nd blonde: "Chickens."

1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?"

2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!"

1st blonde: Well, I think you've got three."

2007-01-20 10:16:06 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

2007-01-20 10:11:55 · 5 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right" he said,
"the steaks are too high."

2007-01-20 10:07:42 · 6 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

2007-01-20 10:06:24 · 5 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?"

The man says "A premature ejaculation."

"What?" says the woman.

The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

2007-01-20 10:04:44 · 2 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. She reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends".

2007-01-20 10:04:37 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

when his wife sneaks up and
whacks him real hard on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trousers pocket with the name
of Mary Ellen written on it" she replies.
"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races,
Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
She seems satisfied at this and apologizes.
Three days later, he is again sitting in his chair reading when she
nails him with an even bigger frying pan, instantly knocking him out
cold.

When he comes around he asks: "What was that for?"

"Your F****g just horse phoned!"

2007-01-20 10:01:12 · 6 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

"Those drinking to forget ........ please pay in advance."

2007-01-20 09:55:58 · 7 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

TO USE THE WORD (CONTAGIOUS) ROLAND THE CLASS
GEEK GETS UP AND SAYS ,"LASTYEAR I GOT THE MEASLES AND MY MUM SAID IT
WAS CONTAGIOUS" "WELL DONE ROLAND,"SAYS TEACHER,"CAN ANYONE ELSE
TRY?
SHAUN O,MALLEY JUMPS UP AND SAYS IN A BROAD IRISH ACCENT"OUR NEXT DOOR
NEIGHBOUR IS PAINTING HIS HOUSE WITH A TWO INCH BRUSH AND MY DAD SAYS "IT
WILL TAKE THE CONTAGIOUS"

2007-01-20 09:54:00 · 5 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

1 said 2 the other i'v had enough so they both walk out the grave yard and 1 said look at this one the other said wots the man on it the other said MILES FROM LONDON

2007-01-20 09:46:24 · 6 answers · asked by sconehead 2

1.
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

2.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

3.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

4.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him or Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

5.
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

6.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

7.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

8.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

9.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

10.
Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

11.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

12.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

2007-01-20 09:41:11 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous