Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-20 20:14:09 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-20 20:12:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is zebra a horse?

2007-01-20 20:02:37 · 17 answers · asked by Braveheart 1

Thinking Like a Chief



Once on Liberty, some of my Shipmates and some of the Officers and I went to a Gentleman's Club. A
Lieutenant who had tagged along wanted to impress the rest of us, so he pulled out a $10
bill.

When the dancer came over to us, the Lieutenant licked the $10 bill and
stuck it to her butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, a Commander pulls out a $20 bill. He calls the girl
back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to her other butt cheek.

In an attempt to further impress the rest of us, the Captain pulls out a
$50 bill and calls the girl over, and licks the bill and stuck it to one
of her butt cheeks, again.

Seeing the way things are going, the girl gyrates over to me! Now
everyone's attention is focused on me, and the girl's egging me on to
try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do?

At that moment the Chief in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped
it down the crack of her butt, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went to the
bar.

2007-01-20 19:15:32 · 6 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Just a bit of fun, whoever makes me laugh the most wins the points!

I thought of this while eating breakfast and thought 'you can tell I'm dieting because my two year old daughter has a bigger plate of breakfast than me!'

2007-01-20 18:58:02 · 26 answers · asked by Andromeda Newton™ 7

Sergi and Sally where sitting in their family room one night. While Sergi was watching T.V his wife Sally was reading. All of a sudden the power went out and Sergi decided to go to bed, but Sally kept on reading. With no use of artificial light, Sally kept on reading. How?

2007-01-20 18:40:16 · 19 answers · asked by shadeygal 2

Share everything.


Play fair.


Don't hit people.


Put things back where you found them.


Clean up your own mess.


Don't take things that aren't yours.


Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.


Wash your hands before you eat.


Flush.


Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.


Live a balanced life--learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.


Take a nap every afternoon.


When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.


Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.


Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup--they all die. So do we.


And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned--the biggest word of all--LOOK.?

2007-01-20 18:27:48 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once there was this man who kept on eating eating and he wouldnt stop
He had 3 babies the first baby only knew how to say,
" Yes yes yes! "
The second baby only knew how to say,
" Forks and knives! forks and knives! "
And the third baby only knew how to say,
" Batman! "
So 1 day the man choked on his food and died.So the police came knocking on the door and he asked the first baby,
" Did u kill this man?? "
" Yes yes yes!! "
He asked the second baby,
" What did u kill him with?? "
" Forks and knives! Forks and knives! "
He asked the third baby,
" WHO DO U THINK YOU ARE ?!?! "
" Batman!! "

2007-01-20 18:21:12 · 19 answers · asked by Anna M 2

Women with Big Txts...

can get a taxi on the worst days
have men give them the best seats on a bus.
have a neat place to carry spare change
have always been the center of the arts (art)
make jogging a spectator sport
can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
can always carry a little extra cash
always float better
know where to look first for lost earrings
rarely lack for a slow dance partner
have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
never have to buy a car with airbags
have a place to carry a extra beer ?

2007-01-20 18:19:16 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-20 18:14:26 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-20 18:13:14 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man, who has heart problems, falls asleep in church on his wife lap. He dreams about how during the French Revolution he did something bad and that there gonna cut his head off. His wife is reading the book of church songs. The wife drops the book on his neck right when in his dream the slicer falls and he has a heart attack at that point and dies. WHAT IS WRONG OR FISCHY ABOUT THIS STORY?

2007-01-20 18:01:48 · 20 answers · asked by Asbed 1

A convict ran to his house and asked his wife if he could hide while the cops were searching for him. She said yes and helped him dowstairs. Just then the cops knocked on the door. When she answered the door all but two didn't have a hat, all but two didn't have their badge, and all but two weren't wearing a tie. How many cops were there at her door.

P.S. first to get it gets the points.

2007-01-20 17:50:45 · 14 answers · asked by B-ball_Killa 2

A boy is sent by his boss to get water. He walks to the water tap with two unusual shaped buckets, one can fill up to only 4L and the other 9L. How can he fill up exactly 6L?

2007-01-20 17:45:26 · 6 answers · asked by Asbed 1

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"



The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."



"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"



The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get can cer, no biggie You're al ready dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamb le all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . .. "



"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays !"

2007-01-20 17:33:44 · 9 answers · asked by texasblueslady 3

A zebra was wondering if he was black with white stripes or white with black stripes so he asked the monkey and the monkey said ask the elephant he might know so he asks an elephant hey! Am I black or white and he said you better ask the wise old owl and the owl said only god knows....so he asks and returns and the owl said well...what did he say? Zebra replies "you are what you are" so the owl says oh then your white. And the zebra asks "how do you know"? And the owl replies if you were black he would of said "you is what you is"!

2007-01-20 17:32:21 · 26 answers · asked by Fireman T 6

A Welshman an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.



Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said...''Meow''.



"Just cats," he thought.



He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said....''woof''.



"Just dogs," he thought.



As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said.....''potatoes!''

2007-01-20 17:30:00 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-20 17:17:50 · 3 answers · asked by livvie locke vampire princess 5

President Bush was standing in the Oval Office when the Secretary of State came rushing in. The Secretary said, "Mr. President, sir, I have bad news. The Embassy was just attacked and four Brazilian soldiers have died." Mr. Bush had a blank look on his face and appeared not to hear him, so the secretary repeated, "Mr. President, four Brazilian soldiers have just been killed." This time, the president looked stricken and immediately sat down at his desk. He put his head in his hands and looked as if he was about to cry. The Secretary of State was touched and a little surprised that the president was taking things so hard, so he said, "Sir? Are you all right?" The president, still stunned, looked up at the Secretary of State and said, "OK, so tell me...exactly how many is a Brazilian, anyway?"

:D

2007-01-20 17:13:04 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://youtube.com/watch?v=q3JumtLMvlc
is it funny, stupid, messed up, please tell why

2007-01-20 17:11:38 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-20 17:11:25 · 15 answers · asked by STA-TOW 5

I'm trying to look up the word "gullible" in the dictionary. It's not there. Can anybody help?

2007-01-20 16:48:27 · 13 answers · asked by Commander 3

How does he do it?And it is possible.

2007-01-20 16:43:38 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils, leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John

Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole, and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.

When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall, and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hear-me-roar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good pushes," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the jerk (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb. bowling ball through a keyhole

After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. Then the teen years. Need I say more?

The kids are almost grown now, and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat "like a hog in July," wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

Send this to seven bright women (and those all too few bright men) you know and make their day!!! Or at least make them laugh a little...

Now I love being a woman, but "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex?" Yeah right. Bite me.

2007-01-20 16:38:08 · 11 answers · asked by onearkansasmommy 3

2007-01-20 16:22:58 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

2007-01-20 16:19:25 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Silly people may apply . . .

2007-01-20 16:13:57 · 12 answers · asked by JUSS 4

*All passengers should pretend to have their own brake pedal.*

Always grab the dashboard or doorhandle and yell "Whoa!"*

Always tell the driver to slow down or speed up. *

As a passenger, feel free to take your shoes off and smell up the whole car. *

Constantly remind the driver of road conditions. *

Every time you see a car do something that ticks you off, ask everyone in the car with you if it is included it on the "How to drive like a Moron" webpage.*

Every time you see a car pulling out, yell to the driver "Watch it!" *

Grab the steering wheel if you feel the driver can not deal with a traffic situation. *

If there is a mirror on the passenger side door, it's there for the passenger. Feel free to adjust it at will. *

Make sure that you put your chewed bubble gum into the ashtray, unwrapped. *

No matter what lane the driver is in and where you are going, always tell the driver that we would be better off in the next lane. *

2007-01-20 16:08:34 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

you know how welchs juice says its 100% real juice? well theres the flavor banana. and how do you get juice out of a bananas?

2007-01-20 16:01:09 · 15 answers · asked by omg like woahh 2

How do u make Ohio Stae Buckeye cookies??

You put them in a bowl for 60 minutes!

2007-01-20 15:57:03 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous