Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

an old couple celebrating their 50th wedding aniversary are sitting at breakfast one morning when the lady turns to the man and says "you know my love , my nipples are as still as hot for you now as they were back in 1957.... " "yes i'm not surprised " said the man... " ones in your coffee and ones in your porridge"

2007-01-21 07:16:07 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A sphere has tree, a circle has two, and a point has zero ...what?

2007-01-21 07:16:02 · 6 answers · asked by Random Jon 2

A burgular breaks in to a house and while rummaging round in the dark he hears a voice say "Jesus is watching you!". He shines his torch round and sees a parrot in the corner. He goes over to the parrot and says "did you just speak?" The parrot said "yes". The burgular said "your a clever parrot, what's your name?" The parrot replies "My name is Moses". "Moses" said the burgular "what sort of person calls their parrot Moses?" The parrot replies "The same sort of person that calls their ROTTWEILER JESUS!!"

2007-01-21 07:14:00 · 48 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes in a bar he has a lisp, he calls the bartender over she has a hunch back, he says lisping how muc a beer she says 5$ he says oo how muc a mix drk she says 10$ he says he has to think aboit it. Later he ask again remember he lisp, how muc beer she says 5$ he ask how muc mx drk she says 10$ he says ok I tak the beer. He thinks how she didnt make fun of him, so he calls her over and says thank you for not makin fun of my lisp everyone always does, she replies I would never do that, I know how it is I have this hunch back, he looks at her and looks again, says hunch back I thought that was your a-- everythings so high in here!

2007-01-21 07:05:08 · 14 answers · asked by bodacious baby 7

say " i map ness"
now spell out map
then say it like this "i M-A-P ness"
now say it all together
haha

2007-01-21 07:03:37 · 33 answers · asked by bebebabe 2

i know one like mis sue, mis sue
mis sue from alambama, alaska, nebraska
sittin in a rocker, eatin betty crocker,
watching the clock go tick, tock, tick, tock
abcdefg, whip those crumbs right off of me
musha, musha, musha, freeze


know anymore?
i also know on that goes
mis susie has a steam boat the steam boat has a belt, toot toot!
mis susie went to heaven, the steam boat went to hello operator give me #9...........................
i dont know the rest can u help me?
and if you know anymore

2007-01-21 06:47:39 · 6 answers · asked by U.wanna.battle.me?! 4

Ways To Have Fun in the Workplace

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."

Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge.

Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "oh you've got to be faster than that.

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

2007-01-21 06:37:27 · 20 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

2007-01-21 06:31:43 · 17 answers · asked by tripletaurus 1

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He's one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

1. Think you can get me off?

2007-01-21 06:30:49 · 11 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Top Ten Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped...

1. The cucumber has left the salad.

2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

3. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

6. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

7. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".

8. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

9. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

10. Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis

2007-01-21 06:29:31 · 6 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

A little boy and a little girl were playing show and tell. The boy proudly displays his penis and says" don't you wish you had one of these" the little girl laughs and says " Nope, with what I have I can get all those I want"

2007-01-21 06:26:22 · 10 answers · asked by tripletaurus 1

Top Ten Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90's...

10. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.

9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

8. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

5. You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from the US, but haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask if they're ready to go to lunch.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2007-01-21 06:25:43 · 7 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

2007-01-21 06:23:23 · 4 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

TOP 10 SIGNS SOMEONE PLAYS TOO MANY VIDEO GAMES

10. They ask for all their money in quarters.

9. They're not sure what season, or year it is.

8. They're best friends names are Super Mario, Pac-man, and Sonic (if they have real-life friends).

7. The electric company and the toy store sends them birthday cards.

6. Big falling blocks and hot lava pits haunt their dreams.

5. Their fingers twitch all the time.

4. When they are sick at home the change clerk at the arcade calls to see if they are all right.

3. They can play 2 player games by themselves.

2. Everyone at the arcade knows them by name.

1. Someone is reading this to them, 'cause they're too busy getting a new high score and can not be bothered.

2007-01-21 06:22:10 · 11 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND...

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. OTHER WOMEN

2007-01-21 06:18:53 · 11 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

1) Paddy hears a fire-engine go past, hurries out of the house and runs after it.After a few hundred yards he stops,throws a few coins after the fire-engine and says:- " Oh keep your bloody ice cream then!"

2) A 20 year old widow was talking to a friend at her 80 year old husband's funeral."The age difference did n't bother us ,we used to make love every Sunday to the gentle rhythm of the church bells, all went well 'till that fuc*ing fire-engine went past."

2007-01-21 06:18:07 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.


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2007-01-21 06:16:58 · 9 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

what is Blue and Black and Pink and White and makes you scared and have a fright?

2007-01-21 06:04:21 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-21 05:50:45 · 23 answers · asked by Dalia C 1

I said 'so are you ya fat b*****d'

2007-01-21 05:46:44 · 12 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

if mini skirts get any shorter ! said the fairy to the gnome ,"they will have two more cheeks to powder and a lot more hair to comb"

2007-01-21 05:37:33 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

i onlly know a little

2007-01-21 05:35:51 · 2 answers · asked by sugar puff 1

"Two inches more and I would be king."
She said ? "Two inches less, and you'd be queen.

2007-01-21 05:34:43 · 8 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

"Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said ? "That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I
sit on the sofa and fart."

2007-01-21 05:34:02 · 6 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

2007-01-21 05:32:37 · 4 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

2007-01-21 05:32:30 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

"What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?"
She said ? "Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat b*****d."

2007-01-21 05:31:31 · 4 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest
woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you."

2007-01-21 05:30:10 · 7 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

2007-01-21 05:21:58 · 11 answers · asked by princesslily101 1

3 explorers were walking in the Amazon. They get captured by these Indians. They said that they had a choice of the Indians killing them or they can kill themselves. The 3 guys decided to kill themselves. The first guy asked for a gun. He pointed it to his neck and was about to shoot but started shooting the other Indians. He ran out of bullets and the Indians killed him. They ate his meat threw away his bones and used his skin to build a canoe. The 2nd guy asks for a sword. He held it up to his neck and was about to cut himself but he started killing the Indians. The Indians killed him. They ate his meat, threw away his bones, and used his skin to build a canoe. The 3rd guy asked for a fork. He got the fork and started stabbing himself everywhere on his body. He shouted " NOW YOU CAN'T MAKE A CANOE OUT OF MY SKIN! WHATCHA GONNA DO NOW?!?"

2007-01-21 05:17:18 · 12 answers · asked by fuzzyducky1328 1