Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

a park bench can support a family of four

2007-01-21 12:08:16 · 18 answers · asked by Erick 1

A man going through his mid life crisis just bought a lambourgini.

He started to go down the freeway at 95 mph.,

In his rear view mirror he saw flashing lights.
He thought I can out run this state trooper.

So he kept on at 95 mph.
The trooper stayed on him for an hour.

Finally the driver pulled over.

The trooper came to the driver's window and said
"Man it's Friday and I get off of work in 10 minutes,
If you give me a good reason why I shouldn't give you a ticket,
I'll let you go".

The driver thought about it and said
"When I saw you I was reminded of my ex wife
She left me for a state trooper."

The trooper said "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I guess
you're still mad at all state troopers."

"NO" said the driver
"I thought you were bringing her back"

2007-01-21 12:01:56 · 12 answers · asked by jenny 4 5

2007-01-21 12:01:53 · 8 answers · asked by master p 2

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 5 to 6 months, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

“He said you're going to die," she replied.

2007-01-21 11:57:07 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That
I grew strong, And I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French Fry!
I should have known it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those
jeans!



Go on now - go, ! Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!

[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
with a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

2007-01-21 11:51:47 · 40 answers · asked by Katey 3

ahh i think i burnt him.

2007-01-21 11:39:23 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

k so theres this couple who; have three daughters and the middle daughter decides she wants to know how she got her name... so she goes up to her parents and asks "how did i get my name?"
and her parents are like "well thats a very neet story. when you were born we layed you down in the grass and a feather floated down and landed on your cheek so we called you feather". she was so excited and went back to tell her sisters. they were also excited and then the oldest daughter decides she wants to know how she got her name too. she asks their parents and they say "well thats a very nice story. when you were born, we layed you out in the grass and a rose petal landed on your forehead so we decided to call you rose". so that daughter went back to tell the other two and they were happy for her. the last daughter decides she wants to know how she got her name so she goes to their parents and says "aghuduthshnumun" and they answer "whats that, Cinderblock?"

2007-01-21 11:36:22 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, 'You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

'Why?' she asks.

'Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.'

2007-01-21 11:33:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-21 11:32:32 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is Waldo a real person that just so darned good at hide and seek his friends got mad when they got older and made books about him?

2007-01-21 11:29:55 · 7 answers · asked by Førsâkëñ 5

Ugly bloke walks into pub with a big grin on his face,, what are you so happy about asks the landlord,,. Well i live by the railway and on my way home last night, i noticed a woman tied to the the tracks,,i cut her free and we shagged all night..did you get a ******* the barman asked? No he says never found the head.....

2007-01-21 11:26:31 · 14 answers · asked by madmarie35 3

There were three men, a Frenchman, Italian and an Punjabi(Indian). One day when they were having dinner at a restaurant, they struck up a conversation about their sex lives. The Italian said, "Last night, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with Olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last night when my wife and I also had sex, I rubbed her body all over with Vinegar. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."

The Punjabi says, "Today my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with "Sarsoon da teel" , we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours."

The Frenchman and Italian were stunned! They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"

Punjabi man replied (with a sheepish grin) "I wiped my hands with the Curtains”

2007-01-21 11:21:31 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

She came to me last month, and said 'We need to cut down our expenses, you're spending £100 a week on vodka and its got to stop, we can't afford it and its no good for you!'
So I have, not a drop since, as that what she wants.
Anyway, I was getting something out of her handbag yesterday and on top was a receipt for cosmetics for nearly £90.
I said to her ' Oi, what's this!, I thought we were supposed to be cutting down our expenses!'
She said 'Thats different, thats so I can make myself look beautiful for you.
I said ' Thats what the bloody vodka was for!'

2007-01-21 11:01:07 · 44 answers · asked by First Ascent 4 Thistle 7

2007-01-21 10:56:52 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

just wondering.

2007-01-21 10:54:26 · 9 answers · asked by Andy 3

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular

2007-01-21 10:53:42 · 9 answers · asked by gav_n_nic_don 2

Jack and Jill,
Went up the hill,
So Jack could feel Jill's f***y,
But Jack came down,
With such a frown,
When he found that Jill was a Tranny

2007-01-21 10:51:35 · 18 answers · asked by gav_n_nic_don 2

does anybody know where i can buy rose red on dvd for cheap?

2007-01-21 10:45:52 · 2 answers · asked by omg like woahh 2

I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too. Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being "behind the power curve". It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up. Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle, at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.

I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there! Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness, all within seconds I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway. I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that "edge" so frequently required when riding. Little did I suspect...

As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it, it was that close. I hate to run over animals and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage! Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing. I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.

That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an evil attack squirrel of death! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in? Well just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle; my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser. About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full- face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little effect on the squirrel however. The rpm's on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop. Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel s tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked sort-of.

Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak. Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car. I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.

I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser. So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger! That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car! I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood. As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it.

Faced with choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death...I'll take my chances with the freeway. Every time. And I'll buy myself a new pair of gloves.

2007-01-21 10:42:01 · 8 answers · asked by Jack C 3

a guy walks near the wall of a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice 13. 13. 13. 13. he looks around and sees a hole in the wall and looks and gets poked in the eye. the moaning voice then says 14..14..14..

2007-01-21 10:39:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok this isnt a riddle but something I came up with when I was "elevated" one night. I never have cared for testicles even though I don't hold back when I'm down with my hubby but this is not God's best design in my opinion. Why would you take 1/2 of the neccessary items for the miracle of conception and put them in a droopy pouch made out of sparsley haired chicken skin? Just curious to the logic my friends.

2007-01-21 10:36:36 · 14 answers · asked by donnyschick33 2

I heard this on Comedy Central.
This guy works at a bar and his boss tells him to go out and find a name for the new bar. He go's out and the first thing he sees are legs, so he asks he her name, she says Lucy. So he goes to tell his boss and he congradulates him and says come back tommorow morning for a free drink. So he is out the next morning waiting in front of the bar and a cop asks him what he is doing. He replies: I was waiting for Lucy's Legs to open so I can get a drink.

2007-01-21 10:31:49 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

this isnt a joke/riddle. its a serious question.
how would you explain the color red to a blind person...?

2007-01-21 10:30:51 · 19 answers · asked by sofia 3

A burglar gets into a house and spots a wallet on the table. when he tries to take it, he hears a voice :" Jesus is watching you" . He looks around with his flashlight wondering "What the HELL was that !" Next moment, he slowly takes the wallet ans again he hears "Jesus is watching you !!" He hides in a corner to find where the voice came from and finds a birdcage with a parrot in it. He asks the parrot:"was that you?" parrot says "yes". "whats your name?" burglar asks. "Moses", parrot says.The burglar was in laugh.."what kind of a person names a parrot Moses?????" The parrot laughs this time and says:" The same person that names his ROTTWEILLER, jesus !!!!!!"

2007-01-21 10:30:05 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-21 10:27:24 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-21 10:25:47 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet!." She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots!" She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "they're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em. Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."


She will be eligible for parole in three years…..

2007-01-21 10:15:54 · 15 answers · asked by debi_0712 5

Sorry if you have already read this as i posted it a couple of months ago.

The Lords Prayer

My vibro,which brings me heaven,
Rabbit be thy name,
till Kingdom come,
Thy makest me ***.
on earth with eyes on heaven,
Give me this day my daily thrill
And forgive me my screams
As i forgive flat batteries
Lead me not into temptation
But beliver me from frustration
the power and the buzzing
forever and ever no men.....

2007-01-21 10:14:55 · 24 answers · asked by chris w. 7

A woman was standing near a hotel reception when a man elbowed her breasts accidently. He says," if u r heart is soft as u r ****, you'll forgive me. The woman said: "If u r dick is strong as u r elbow, then i'm staying in room 109..."

2007-01-21 10:13:29 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while
sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous
woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most
expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her
knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it
over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman.
She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you
need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million
dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."
The man after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and
it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Porsche, NSX, and a
Mercedes in my garage, plus two million dollars in the bank...
But not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I
cut off three inches! Just send the damn bottle back.

2007-01-21 10:12:35 · 19 answers · asked by kerri 3