Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

You know the joke where he like whos on first? who.

2007-01-21 05:06:44 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

ur mama is so old she knew burger king when he was a prince

2007-01-21 05:06:29 · 24 answers · asked by Isuck,Usuck,Weallsuck 3

One day the ugly duckling asked his mother y am i so ugly the mama duck replies "dear you may be ugly but you should consider yourself lucky"
Ugly Duckling: Why am i lucky mama?
Mother: Well you maybe be a ugly duck but at least your not as hideous as the idiot reading this joke!"

2007-01-21 05:01:58 · 10 answers · asked by *Dat*-*Libra*-*Cutie* 3

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard. I couldn`t possibly do it. She would kill me!!"
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...
"Really, I can`t," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!!"
The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.
That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping. The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, "Oh Michael, you shouldn`t be here. My husband will be home soon!"

2007-01-21 04:40:44 · 35 answers · asked by pinks 2

Whos the Dumbest Person EVER?

2007-01-21 04:40:05 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

so he goes into a bank. He sits down at a desk and the name plate says "Patty Wak". He talks to Patty about the loan and she asks him what he has for collateral. The frog replies well I have this vase. He pulls the vase out of a bag to show her. Patty says "well thats just a cheap knick-knack". Then the owner notices the vase and says to himself "gee that's from the 17th century, it's worth tons of money" So he walks over to patty and says "Thats no knick-knack Patty Wak give the frog a loan

2007-01-21 04:25:21 · 10 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

Your in a house no doors no windows you have a bat and a ball what do you do. and its a baseball bat

2007-01-21 04:20:44 · 16 answers · asked by Aliman 2

1. say "so I did" after every line


1. I bought a new dog


2. "so i did"


1. I got him some new iams select bites


2. "so i did"


1. he would not eat his new food


2. "so I did"

2007-01-21 04:16:44 · 6 answers · asked by ashlee 3

You are in a locked house with no windows no doors and indesructible walls.you are starving and can't even pick up the chain saw unless you eat something.you have a table,saw,and calender

2007-01-21 04:03:54 · 7 answers · asked by Aliman 2

2007-01-21 04:00:57 · 8 answers · asked by cheges12 2

It's graduation day at the dojo, so the sensai asks for the graduates to demonstrate their new skills before he hands them their diploma and black belt. He hands the first graduate a sword and releases a fly. The first graduate makes one swing, and the fly falls to the ground in two pieces. The sensai congratulates him and gives him a black belt.

He gives the second graduate a sword and releases another fly. The graduate swings the sword twice, and the fly falls to the ground in three pieces. The sensai congratulates him and hands him the black belt.

The sensai gives the third graduate a sword and releases a fly. The graduate swings three times, and the fly buzzes away.
"You didn't kill the fly," the sensai says disappointedly
"Maybe not," replies the graduate, "but he'll never be able to have kids"

2007-01-21 03:29:11 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do u know that abstaining from smoking 2 cigrettes a day can feed a hungry iraqi or an afgan???
So lets keep smoking and keep those ba$tard$ hungry.

2007-01-21 03:13:36 · 5 answers · asked by tornjeansandguitar 3

A refugee is given a council house and goes out to thank some of the brits for their kind generosity.6 hours later he comes back telling his neighbour he met people from 83 countries and and not one British man ”Oh you won’t see any of them says the asian man, Those daft b@$steds are all out working.

2007-01-21 03:10:41 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin. (Wossat then?)

She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He's does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like: "Oo you lookin' at?"

Gabriel just goes: "You've got one up the duff, you have."

Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large.

"Stop dissin' me, yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!"

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.

Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Bacardi Breezers an' that.

She's like: "Ooright, Mary, I can proper feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. What wiv the extra benefits an' that."

Mary goes: "Yeah, s'pose you're right."

Anyway, there's the census y'knaaa? Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to twock a donkey an' go dahn Bethlehem on that.

They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop,

2007-01-21 03:05:09 · 14 answers · asked by The Boss 2

If a synchronised swimmer drowns...do they all have to drown?

2007-01-21 02:57:42 · 12 answers · asked by brainyandy 6

at 8...you take her to bed and tell her a story.
at 18...you tell her a story and take her to bed
at 28...you dont need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
at 38...she tells you a story and takes you to bed.
at 48...you tell her a story to avoid taking her to bed.
at 58...you stay in bed to avoid her story.
at 68...if you take her to bed,well that'll be some f**king story..

2007-01-21 02:52:44 · 30 answers · asked by mine of useless information 1

2007-01-21 02:50:56 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man comes home early from work and finds his wife naked and panting on the bed
he asks her what is wrong, and she tells him she is having a heart attack. He rushes to the phone, but just before he dials, his son runs up to him and says, "Dad, uncle Mike is in your wardrobe and he has no clothes on". He rushes upstairs, throws open the wardrobe door, and sure enough, there is his brother naked..
"What kind of man are you?, he shouts at his brother, "my wife is having a heart attack, and you are running around naked scaring the kids".

2007-01-21 02:44:38 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 young men were talking. the 1st guy says " if i was to make love to your wife, got her pregnant and she had a baby, would that make us kin"? the 2nd guy scratches his head, thinks for a minute and says, " I dont know about that but it would sure make us even"!

2007-01-21 02:44:14 · 11 answers · asked by mine of useless information 1

A man is driving home one night, and see a sign saying "Get a b***j** while having your favorite tune whistled to you" So he pulls over, and goes in.

When he goes to the room, the light is switched off, and a seductive voice asks him what tune he would like. He replies "Neighbours". He has a great b***j**, and the tune is whistled perfectly.

The next night, he goes in, and the woman asks which tune he would like, so he replies Eastenders. Again, he has a great b***j**, and the tune is perfect.

The next night, he takes a torch, as he would like to know the womans secret. The woman asks him what tune, he says "Coronation Street" and off they go. Halfway through, he switches on the torch, and notices a glass eye rolling in the corner...

2007-01-21 02:43:12 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 ...and noticed a
distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and
jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In
addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as MLB 5.0, NFL 4.3, PGA 3.0, and NBA 3.6. Conversation 8.0 no
longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried
running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
REPLY FROM TECH SUPPORT

Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband
1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME.EXE
to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that
application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications Jewelery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. BUT remember, overuse of the
above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,
Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.
CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall
another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will
crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does
have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might
consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I
personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

2007-01-21 02:41:49 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

2007-01-21 02:37:28 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one Chav asked the employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" - The girl leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."

2007-01-21 02:30:29 · 7 answers · asked by The Boss 2

Safe.










What do you call an Eskimo Chav?











Innuinnit.

2007-01-21 01:58:44 · 17 answers · asked by The Boss 2

the funniest answer i will get,will be chosen as a best answer(10 points)

2007-01-21 01:53:49 · 5 answers · asked by Tara 6

I cribbed this one off of TV, so apologies if you've heard it before.

Two nuns are on a car journey in Transylvania. One dark and stormy night they are driving up a steep and twisty moutainous road, and as the come slowly round the corner, there in the middle of the road is the Count himself,Dracula!
"What are we going to do"? asks the first nun.
"I know, show him your cross", says the second nun.
So she yells out the window,"OY,get out of the road ya toothy git"!

2007-01-21 01:48:18 · 22 answers · asked by Trixie Bordello 5

2007-01-21 01:37:58 · 6 answers · asked by nbastar51 1

GOD:- you must all answer a question before you are able to enter
first person walks up to god,
GOD:- who was the first man i made
first person:- adam
GOD:- correct you may enter
second person walks up to god
GOD:-what is the first place adam and eve lived in,
second person:- garden of eden,
GOD:- correct you may enter
Thrid person walks up to god
GOD:- you are a mother superior so your question is going to be a bit harder what were eves first words to adam,
mother superior:- hmmm thats a hard one,
GOD:- correct you may enter.

2007-01-21 01:15:44 · 23 answers · asked by theo 2

you are locked inside your car with a baseball bat. how would you get out

2007-01-21 01:04:38 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

READ BEFORE CLICKING ON THE LINK:
There are two identical pictures that will appear on the screen. Almost 8000 people were tested to see if they could find the 3 differences and only 19 got it. See how observant you are; and if you find all 3 differences, you are one of the most elite
people in the world!

2007-01-21 00:58:33 · 14 answers · asked by ? 6