Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-20 13:08:29 · 11 answers · asked by wildchild 1

An Australian is sitting at the bar in New York City and looks at his
Watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running
Late?"
No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just
Testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
About it?"
The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me
Telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
Wearing panties!''
The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's running
About an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?"

2007-01-20 13:06:40 · 12 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2007-01-20 12:54:17 · 4 answers · asked by strawberry 7 2

A man goes to a fancy dress party just in his underpants. A bloke opens the door and says to him, "Sorry mate, this is a fancy dress party".

He says, "I know, I'm a premature ejaculation." So the bloke says, "What do you mean"?

He says, "I've come in my pants"!

2007-01-20 12:44:13 · 18 answers · asked by brainyandy 6

a good riddle? please type it n then type the awnser below thanks!

2007-01-20 12:26:56 · 14 answers · asked by justmehere 3

the person who makes it doesn't know who it's for
the person who buys it doesn't use it
the person using it doesn't know he's using it.

what is it?

first right answer gets 10 points

2007-01-20 12:15:17 · 24 answers · asked by Iris 4

An Indian student in college was deeply in love with a British girl, whom he wanted to marry, but he did not have the courage to talk to her in person. So he decided to go home and with the aid of a dictionary, wrote a letter of proposal to her.

THIS IS WHAT HE WROTE...

My Darling,

Most worthy of your estimation, after a long consideration and much meditation, I have a strong inclination to become your relation.

As to my educational qualification, it is no exaggeration or fabrication, that I have passed my matriculation, no doubt without any hesitation and very little concentrated preparation. What you say to the solemnization of our marriage celebration according to the population of the present generation.

On your approbation of this application, I shall make preparation to improve my situation, and if such obligation is worthy of consideration and commiseration, it will be an augmentation of the joy and exultation of our joint dissimulation.

Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion.

I remain,
A victim of your fascination




THE GIRL REPLIES…

Dear Mr. Victim of my fascination,

Congratulations for your lengthy narration, of course, full of affection, aimed at an affliction for a combination, which on examination, I find it a fine presentation of your co-operation, but your inclination to become my relation should embrace more qualification so that you may reach high position.

You have passed the matriculation examination with little concentration and preparation. What about my graduation after much concentration and botheration? So improve your situation in education and make an application by acquisition of post graduation, the minimum qualification for the consideration of our marriage celebration. After your education, attend the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation, undergo beautification.

Further, strict observation of the following conditions is the regulation for determination of our relation:

1. Consultation with my parents before approaching for any connection.
2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a victim of "any other" fascination, and
3. Procreation must not be your recreation.

In anticipation of solid action of continuation of proper conversation.

Unaffected by your affection

2007-01-20 12:15:07 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you do then tell me please lol I need a good laugh! Plus, the joke that makes me laugh the most will get the best answer=10 points! Woot! I can't wait because I know there are some pretty funny people on here in this section.

2007-01-20 12:11:21 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-20 12:03:36 · 9 answers · asked by Skeeter 5

I've made this joke about martians so as not to be labelled 'racist'.
(no guarantee though.)

A martian goes into a grocer's shop and asks' Three tins of dogfood please.' The grocer answers..'No way! I know you martians, you'll give it to your wife and kids to eat, bring me a dog to prove you've got one, THEN I'll give you the food.'
The martian brings his dog and gets the food.
The next week he goes to buy some cat food..same reply 'You'll give it to your wife and kids to eat, bring your cat to prove you've got one.' Off he goes to get his cat.
The next week the martian goes into the shop with a shoe-box covered with a towel. 'Can I help you?' asks the shopkeeper.
"Put your hand in there " said the martian.
The shopkeeper slips his hand under the towel and feels around in the box...squelch, squelch. 'Well, ' said the shopkeeper 'What do you want?'

" Two toilet rolls please!"

2007-01-20 11:56:42 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-20 11:56:30 · 2 answers · asked by Kayla 1

So they don't sh*t when they are walking.

2007-01-20 11:54:17 · 11 answers · asked by dfgrace22 4

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money" she replied.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the hell out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

2007-01-20 11:53:45 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

ive ben grounded for a little under three months. of course i cant just stay away from my girlfriend for that long soo they caught me and took my tv away as well.

im to be grounded untill three weeks after i pass my drug test which i wotn be able to pass for another 2 weeks. that adds up in the end to a little over 4 months....4 ******* months!!!
im seriously missing important life lessons by being confined in my house. im feeling exceedingly lost and lonely. every day.
ho can i get back at them without them knowing it was me and wihtout them wanting to ground me for longer.

2007-01-20 11:51:50 · 9 answers · asked by paintballdude2009 1

Little Johnny and his friend were arguing.

"My father is better than your father!" said the friend.

"No he's not!" shouted Little Johnny.

"My brother is better than your brother!"

"No he's not!"

"My mother is better than your mother!"

Little Johnny paused. "Well I guess you've got me there. My father says the
same thing."

2007-01-20 11:51:10 · 4 answers · asked by ♥Gilmore♥ 5

I used to work at in a kitchen where we would tell jokes all day until we knew just about every current joke, so, we resorted to just the punchlines......so, no jokes, just the punchlines.....it'll be funny..I'll start : "Hey! thats not a duck!!"

2007-01-20 11:48:53 · 10 answers · asked by paradigm 4

My Zipper.. =)

2007-01-20 11:47:39 · 20 answers · asked by 18/M/Scotland 3

2007-01-20 11:47:37 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

click here to see http://img1.jurko.net/avatar_1957.gif

2007-01-20 11:44:53 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://img1.jurko.net/avatar_1497.gif

2007-01-20 11:40:35 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

The front row of a Daniel O'Donnel concert.!!

2007-01-20 11:38:41 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross?

2007-01-20 11:27:00 · 40 answers · asked by Passion 3

1. Mr. and Mrs. Daddle have 6 daughters, for each daughter, there is one brother. How many family members are there?

2.I need three legs to stand, but only one to work, what am I?

3.If you bury a hole 1 foot deep, 1 foot wide, how much dirt will be in the hole?

4.You probably have me somwhere.
I have 11 friends.
My initials are PQRS, what am I?

2007-01-20 11:25:06 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 Irish guys go for a job in the police force and while 1 is being interviewed he is asked "Who killed John Merrick in victorian England in the early 1900s" he said he didn't know and was then told to "go find out and then come back" as he was leaving the office he bumped into the 2nd guy who asked how he got on to which he replied" Oh great I'm on my first murder case".lol

2007-01-20 11:22:46 · 21 answers · asked by Loo 4

Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolley when they aren't looking.
Set all the alarm clocks in house ware to go off at 5 minute intervals.
Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the toilet.
Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code at pharmacy" ...and see what happens.
Go to the service desk and ask to put a bag of m&m's on hold.
Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
Set up a tent in the house ware and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
When an assistant asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
While handling knives in the kitchen ware department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

2007-01-20 11:15:36 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Why did you murder your husband with a bow and arrow", asked the police officer"?
"I had no choice Sir", replied the woman, "I didn't want to wake the Kids"!!!

2007-01-20 11:10:47 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was at the grocery and was waiting to check out. The woman standing in front of me was pregnant. Suddenly, she farted right in front of me. Have any of you ever seen this happen?

2007-01-20 11:08:39 · 11 answers · asked by el juggernauto c 1

What gets longer when pulled,
fits between your ****,
inserts neatly in a hole and works best when pulled?????



A seatbelt you perverts!!!



it was off my m8 it made me laff anyway.
xxxxx

2007-01-20 11:08:27 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man asks a women to marry him

She says no

He lives happily ever after

2007-01-20 11:04:20 · 40 answers · asked by HERBS 2

2007-01-20 11:03:46 · 5 answers · asked by L.O.V.E. 2