Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

We`re not like this are we girls?


DANGEROUS:
SAFER:
SAFEST:
ULTRA SAFE:

What's for dinner?
Can I help you with dinner?
Where would you like to go for dinner?
Here, have some wine.

Are you wearing that?
Wow, you sure look good in brown!
WOW! Look at you!
Here, have some wine

What are you so worked up about?
Could we be overreacting?
Here's my paycheck.
Here, have some wine.

Should you be eating that?
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
Here, have some wine.

What did you DO all day?
I hope you didn't over-do it today.
I've always loved you in that robe!
Here, have some more wine.

2007-01-20 06:35:12 · 18 answers · asked by Tink 5

A no-good husband had been staying out, drinking and chasing women, then he came stumbling
home at about 3am. Knowing he would be in BIG trouble, he came up with a plan...
he'd sneak into the bedroom and perform oral sex on the wife.
THAT always made her happy. Sure enough, he snuck into the dark bedroom,
slipped quietly over to the bed and did the oral sex. She sleepily moaned
and groaned, so he knew everything was ok.
Afterwards, he went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he flipped
on the light, to his astonishment, he saw his wife sitting on the toilet!
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??" He yells!
"shhhh", she whispered..."you'll wake Mother!"

2007-01-20 06:33:44 · 54 answers · asked by Anonymous

David beckham is called to his maangers office to discuss the team tactics for his next football match ..when he starts to look a bit confused.his manager asks him if everything is ok..beckham gives a puzzled look and says " boss tactics are they the small white mints that make your breathe smell fresh" no replys the manager they are tic tacs.

2007-01-20 06:32:11 · 12 answers · asked by jcraze1 3

got anything in there lives better to do than think they can solve problems of people on here. you all give horrible coments and are all not very good at solving problems for people who ask.some can be helpful but not very many. but it baffels me that people can be so sarcastic and rude whats the point of answering questions when you all come out with nasty cr@p i no this questions going to answered with nastyness but to them who do get a life

2007-01-20 06:31:39 · 14 answers · asked by shon 3

There once was a mirrior that you had to tell the truth to.If you ever lied to the mirrior, you would disappear. So one day a brunette, redhead and a blonde decide to visit the mirrior. The brunette walks up to the magical mirrior and says "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." POOF! She disappeared.
The redhead walked up to the mirrior and said "I think I'm the smartest woman in the world." POOF! She also disappeared. Finally, the blonde walks up to the mirrior and says, "I think," POOF! She disappeared.

2007-01-20 06:29:48 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

dad he says, whats the difference between potentially and reality? His dad thinks for a moment then tells him to go ask his mother if she'd sleep with the milkman for 2 million pounds. johnny does so and comes back and says yes she would. ok says dad, now ask your sister if she'd sleep with the postman for 2 million pounds.johhny does so and comes back and says yes she would. well there's your answer son says dad, potentially we're sitting on 4 million pounds, in reallity we're living with a couple of whores.

2007-01-20 06:29:32 · 25 answers · asked by John H 3

Stevie Wonder has just recieved a cheese grater for his birthday..he said it was the best book he had ever read !

2007-01-20 06:20:58 · 12 answers · asked by jcraze1 3

He sold his soul to Santa

2007-01-20 06:20:10 · 14 answers · asked by Mickey Corleone 3

Jade Goody is standing at the bus stop at 2am Sunday morning eating a bag of chips with her knickers round her ankles. A policeman approaches her and says "excuse me, your knickers are round your ankles" to which the fat horror replies, "oh, has he gone"

2007-01-20 06:14:48 · 2 answers · asked by Missing Link 3

Do you know any poop or pee or fart jokes? I need to get cheered up.

2007-01-20 06:13:02 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Your mamma is so poor I saw her digging in a trash can. When I asked her what she was doing. She said "I'm shopping!" with a big grin on her face.

2007-01-20 06:12:30 · 17 answers · asked by PAC ♥Kat R.I.P. Benoit :( 3

what cereal starts with the letter "S"?

2007-01-20 06:11:00 · 7 answers · asked by ready4answers 2

2007-01-20 06:07:57 · 3 answers · asked by Seema B 1

Father And Son Talk

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between “potentially” and “realistically.”

“Easy,” says his father. “First, ask Mom if she’d sleep with the mailman for a million dollars.”

The boy runs off, then comes back and says, “She said yes.”

“Now go ask your sister the same question,” advises the father.

Again the boy runs off, and again he comes back and says, “She said yes.”

“So, potentially, we’re sitting on two million dollars,” replies the father. “But, realistically, we’re living with a pair of whores.”

2007-01-20 06:00:41 · 8 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

2007-01-20 06:00:05 · 6 answers · asked by Van Whistler 2

2007-01-20 05:59:15 · 5 answers · asked by Van Whistler 2

There was two brothers. John and Joe. John's on vacation and Joe is house sitting for John. John calls Joe and asks him how his cat is doing. Joe says "Your cat dies." John says "Man, you can't just tell me that over the phone. You have to break it to me gently. Like the first time I call say the cats on the roof chasing a bird. The second time I call say the cat fell off the roof and I took him to the vet. Third time I call say the vet said it's not looking good for the cat. Fourth time I call say he died peacefully in his sleep." So, Joe says "OK." John asks "Hows Grandma?" Joe answers "She's on the roof chasing a bird."

2007-01-20 05:58:09 · 31 answers · asked by PAC ♥Kat R.I.P. Benoit :( 3

Blatant Racial Discrimination

First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does and gets a cookie.

The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."

The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

2007-01-20 05:58:01 · 7 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

2007-01-20 05:57:59 · 3 answers · asked by Van Whistler 2

2007-01-20 05:56:50 · 2 answers · asked by Van Whistler 2

One reason the Military has trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

2007-01-20 05:56:22 · 1 answers · asked by punchy333 6

Are You Ready for Children?

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

2007-01-20 05:50:31 · 4 answers · asked by xrandomnessx 2

Horse And Buggy

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.

That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say?

He said the reflector is broken.

I can fix that in two minutes. What else?

I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...

2007-01-20 05:49:51 · 6 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

Like they did 'something' to one of your parents. I know I shouldn't stoop to their level, but I have been patient long enough. If you even know any links with brutal insults that would be great. Thanks.

2007-01-20 05:44:01 · 9 answers · asked by filotofo 1

I put in a joke last night that was really funny....nothing racist or nasty about it.....it was a sex joke....but G rated. I just would like to know why ppl turn them in? I had 53 answers come back on it and all thought it was funny but like 1.

2007-01-20 05:37:16 · 5 answers · asked by TNL 4

Patient wakes up in the morning in hospital.
Patient "Doctor, I can;t feel my legs"
Doctor "I know, I've amputated your arms".

2007-01-20 05:36:02 · 18 answers · asked by Chrisssy 2

and are dying of thirst when they come across a magic slide.

There is a sign next to it that says, "Go down this slide. As you're sliding down it, yell out the name of a liquid, and you will land in a pool of that liquid."

The first man yells, "Water!" He lands in a pool of cool, refreshing water.

The second man yells, "Lemonade!" He lands in a big pool of lemonade.

The third man yells....




"weeeeeeee!"

2007-01-20 05:33:48 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just looked up the world funniest joke and this is it...Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Its okay but I dont find it to be the worlds funniest joke eh? What do you all think?

2007-01-20 05:33:23 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

2007-01-20 05:33:11 · 15 answers · asked by Mickey Corleone 3

come on tell meee.

2007-01-20 05:28:08 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous