tell me a joke?

Question

come on tell meee.

Answer 1

ok, so this guy goes out to buy nacho cheese for him and his friends, so when he comes back from the store with a block of cheese, his friends are all like, thats not nacho cheese, and he's all like, ya it is, some old black lady told me so. she yelled at me, THATS NOT-CHO-CHEESE when i got it from her cart.

Answer 2

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 3

A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past,

looks up, and says, "Hey, koala! What are you doing?"

The koala says, "Smoking a joint. Come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up, sits next to the koala, and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he had been smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while getting a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest. He finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says,









"F******ck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

Answer 4

So this wealthy agnostic learns from his doctor that he has one month to live.

He wants to take his money with him, but not being of any particular faith he consults a Catholic priest, a Baptist Minister, and a Rabbi.

To each of them he gives a third of his money on the condition that they promise to bury him with his money.

The doctor was right and they guy dies.

At the funeral, the priest, the minister and the rabbi are chatting after the services.

The priest says "I'm not sure but I think I might have sinned - I didn't put his money in the casket as he asked. But I did use it to build a new sunday school"

The minister blushes and says "Well then, I guess I sinned too, for I did not put his money in the casket either, but I did use it to feed the homeless".

The Rabbi is furious! "How DARE you two not honor a dying man's final wish!" He decried.

The priest and the minister look at each other and then at the Rabbi and ask "You mean you actually put his money in the casket?"

The rabbi replies "ABSOLUTELY - I wrote him a check this morning!".

Answer 5

National Weather Service

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a VERY cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!

Answer 6

I'll give you 2:

1)A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'

2)Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."

Answer 7

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Answer 8

It’s Daniel and Rivkah’s 50th wedding anniversary and to celebrate, their son Aaron invites the close family to a Golden Wedding dinner at his house. During the evening, Aaron gets very emotional every time he hears his dad call his mom by such endearing terms as 'darling’, 'precious', 'sweetheart' and 'my lover.’ It's clear to Aaron that his parents are still very much in love.
While Rivkah is out the room, Aaron goes over to his father, kisses him and quietly says, "Dad, I'm so pleased for you both. I think it's fantastic that after 50 years you’re still calling mom by those loving pet names."
But Daniel, looking very embarrassed, says, "Things are not always what they seem to be, son. I must tell you the truth -- I forgot your mother’s name about 5 years ago."

Answer 9

A blonde decides to go ice fishing. She starts chipping a hole in the ice when she hears a voice from up above that says "There are no fish under the ice!" So she moves over and starts chipping another hole. The voice says again "There are no fish under the ice!" She looks around and doesn't see anyone and starts to chip a third hole when the voice returns with " I said there are no fish under the ice!" She looks up and asks "Are you God?" The voice answers "No, I'm the Ice Rink Manager."

Answer 10

ok then:
There were three men walking down a road. One was smart one was avrege and one was a bit dumb. They see an owl and its says to them "weary travelers I will grant you each one wish." The smart man blurts out "I WANT TO BE HOME AND RICH BEOND MY DREAMS!" "Wish granted." says the owl and the man diappers. "Now its my turn!" The averge man says. He thinks for a while then says "I want to be home and married to the most beautiful woman in the world!" "WISH GRANTED!" And the man disapers. The dumb guy looks around and feels lonley so he makes his wish: "I want my freinds back"