Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all
students well taught through our program of
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other
schools. If you feel that you do not receive your share of
S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer.
You will immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and our
lecturers are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T.
you can handle.
Students who don't know S.H.I.T.
will be placed in the
DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS
(D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).

Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they
don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching
others. We can add your name to our
BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

For students who are attending to pursue a carrier in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION
(M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).
This course emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our
HEAD OF TEACHING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(H.O.T. S.H.I.T.)

Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

2007-01-19 19:23:22 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-19 19:17:20 · 8 answers · asked by snickers 1

in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your @ss in the train, cause were going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen."

2007-01-19 19:10:48 · 21 answers · asked by Sir Smoke-a-lot 3

2007-01-19 18:42:57 · 14 answers · asked by James 1

Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?"

Little Johnny:- "None Miss".

Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"

Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".

Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny:- "Miss, while were asking questions, could I ask you one?"

Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"

Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"

Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one."

Little Johnny:- "Well Id have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."

2007-01-19 18:24:14 · 11 answers · asked by Sir Smoke-a-lot 3

WOULD IT MAKE A NOISE ?

2007-01-19 18:23:05 · 6 answers · asked by ronald r 3

hm?

2007-01-19 18:21:04 · 19 answers · asked by xrandomnessx 2

There was a rooster on the roof,it was near to the left.It had lay an egg,which side the egg falls? Note:it dosen' falls on the left on the left side.Think harder!

2007-01-19 18:19:49 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Well, they were both vampires, so one said to the other,

"See you at that time of the month next month!"

2007-01-19 18:03:04 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The princess Rowena wishes to wed.
Her father the King has devised a way to drive off suitors. There are three boxes. One is made of gold, one is made of silver and the third is made of lead.
Inside one of these boxes is a picture of the princess. It is the job of the suitor to figure out which one
There is an inscription on each of the boxes. One and only one inscription is true
Gold box says: picture is in this box
Silver box says: picture is not in the gold box
Lead box says: picture is not in this box
Which box is the picture in?

2007-01-19 17:50:35 · 10 answers · asked by pa0250 1

Why was Piglet looking in the toilet?
Because he was looking for Pooh

2007-01-19 17:49:55 · 23 answers · asked by Whatever! 2

Like.....I was a baby once!!
I was born in a jungle!

2007-01-19 17:48:49 · 4 answers · asked by bugzaper 3

because i couldn't color in the lines of the coloring book...and it looked bad to me...and i told the teacher...i can't do this...

guess what she said? sure you can! cause...repeat after me...I'm an Amer I CAN!!!! not an Amer I CAN'T!!! This is how she said this nation got its name...from the motivated I CANS before us....

little did I know about Amerigo Vespucci which I learned about when I was in the upper elementary grades...funny or not???

2007-01-19 17:46:50 · 5 answers · asked by kowalley 5

A butcher has a 36 inch waist around, and he is 5 feet tall. What does he weigh?

2007-01-19 17:45:50 · 6 answers · asked by xrandomnessx 2

Subject: Never get choked in West Verginia

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

After ordering their cornbread and beans,they talk about the latest addition ti their junkyard buisness.

Suddenly, a woman at a table nearby,who is eating a sandwich,begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her an says"Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breath?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman,lifts up the back of her dress,yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breath again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

2007-01-19 17:26:47 · 16 answers · asked by Char 3

Twinkle, twinkle, not a star.
Don’t you wonder what we are?
Get us too warm and we do run
(Cleaning the mess is hardly fun).
Stand us up and give us a match.
We’ll de-light you ‘till we’re trash.

2007-01-19 17:10:07 · 25 answers · asked by Richard 7

2007-01-19 17:05:52 · 2 answers · asked by Yahoo 4

A blind man walked into a bar and asked the bartender if she wanted to hear a blonde joke. The bartender replied " I am a black belt in the martial arts, and I am also blonde, the lady next to you is a professional wrestler and she is also blonde, and the lady at the other end of the bar is a professional boxer, and also blonde, are still you sure you want to tell that joke?" The blind man answered " Nah, I don't want to have to explain it 20 times."

2007-01-19 17:01:17 · 20 answers · asked by TE 5

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"Oh really? What's it telling you now?" she inquires.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

2007-01-19 16:58:47 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into an ice cream shop, asks for a dip of chocolate. The clerk replies that they are out of chocolate. The man looks around and again asks for a dip of chocolate. Again, the clerks replied that they were out of chocolate. Hearing this, the man looks around again, returned and asked for chocolate. The clerk asked the customer, "can you spell the word Van, as in Vanilla?", to which the man did. The clerk then said "Can you spell straw, as in Strawberry?" Again, the man did. " Now, can you spell F**K in chocolate?" The man replies, "there's no F**K in chocolate!!" the clerk shouts , "That's right!!!! there's no F**kin' chocolate!!!!!"

2007-01-19 16:55:46 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Answer is one word.

2007-01-19 16:54:17 · 8 answers · asked by califrniateach 4

this is a funny joke in my opinion!
One day a teacher was telling her class about God for some unknown reason.She said," Tommy, look out the window." he looked out the window."Now" the teacher said,"Do you see the grass?" "Yes" he replied."Good, now do you see the big tree?" asked the teacher."Yes" said the little boy."Good, now go outside and look at the sky" she told him.When he came back inside the teacher asked,"did you see it?" "Yes!" he answered. "Good, did you see God?" "No" "Therefore, God must not exist if you cant see him" the teacher said with a smirk.A little girl asked the teacher if she could ask Tommy some questions."Yes, you may" the teacher said.The little girl asked Tommy the same questions, but instead of asking him to go outside, she asked,"Do you see the teacher?" "Yes" "Do you see her brain?" "No" "Therefore, she must not have one!!" the girl said with an even bigger smirk.

2007-01-19 16:53:52 · 8 answers · asked by ░▒▓Mollyஐ▓▒░ 4

...
Sucker.

2007-01-19 16:42:20 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hey me and my uncle are having prank wars. Know any good pranks to play around the house?

2007-01-19 16:40:55 · 9 answers · asked by chaingangsoulja_13 1

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladder and anything else she might need was in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

2007-01-19 16:40:11 · 10 answers · asked by punchy333 6

One day superman was flying over wonder woman's window, he saw her naked with her sexy legs spread wide across! he could'nt control himself and dived through her window right between her legs!

she gasped!

he said," SURPRISED!"

she replied, "not as much as INVISIBLE MAN !! "

2007-01-19 16:37:44 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-19 16:37:14 · 5 answers · asked by r k 1

I have long ears that often flop.
I slide, slide, step, not hop, hop, hop.
Furry or fuzzy and most warm
Often seen with me or Mom
But seldom or never with Pop.

2007-01-19 16:30:11 · 14 answers · asked by Richard 7

If yes please quote.
se si scrivi una qui.

2007-01-19 16:29:49 · 6 answers · asked by SOL SIREN 2

2007-01-19 16:19:29 · 15 answers · asked by bbydol221 2