Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital by Dr. Pollard when during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that??"

Doctor Pollard calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't release at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture".

"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman.

In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."

2007-01-19 14:21:54 · 3 answers · asked by punchy333 6

after ten years the job still sucks.

2007-01-19 14:20:21 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am looking for online site where i can watch Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi

2007-01-19 14:19:54 · 20 answers · asked by newyearhelp 1

Vacation !

Darla had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.

"Pretty good, I think," replied Darla, "but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married."

Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing. "Is that what they told you?"

"No", replied Darla, "but right on the application it said 'vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"

2007-01-19 14:12:44 · 9 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

A woman went to doctors office where she was seen by
one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the
examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran
down the hall. An older
doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and
she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down in another room
and told her to relax. The older doctor marched down
hallway to the back where the first doctor was and
demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is
63 years old, she has four grown children and seven
grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor calmly continued to write on his
clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still
have the hiccups?"

2007-01-19 14:09:49 · 7 answers · asked by hott.dawg™ 6

I saw it on a guys shirt and i got concerned in finding out.

2007-01-19 14:09:22 · 18 answers · asked by ashaj 2

I saw Juicy J on cribs today & he took his glasses and moved them up and down, and his eye changed colors over and over. Green, red orange blue purple...etc. How does he do it. NO STUPID ANSWERS, & I KNOW THAT THREE SIX MAFIA DOES NOT WOSHIP THE DEVIL.....

2007-01-19 14:09:11 · 2 answers · asked by benterry86 2

What hand do you wipe with?

2007-01-19 14:02:45 · 10 answers · asked by tigrababy2000 2

what is the funniest joke that you've heard before?

2007-01-19 14:00:57 · 6 answers · asked by mkh6294 2

FIVE-POINT DARES

==================
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you Actually launch into it yourself).

2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave".

4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".

5. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for one hour.

6. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

7. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"

check out my profile thing for more parts to this joke i couldnt fit it all in one

2007-01-19 14:00:51 · 6 answers · asked by satans_sisteruk2002 2

A young woman goes to confession. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned, she says. "Last night, my boyfriend, Gunners, made love to me seven times."
"My child," replies the priest, "You must go home and suck the juice of seven lemons."
"And will that absolve me?" asks the woman.
"No" replies the priest. "But it might take that smug look off your face."

2007-01-19 13:58:21 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-19 13:57:14 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

ONE-POINT DARES

================

1. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

2.To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

3.Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

4.Walk sideways to the photocopier.

5.While going in an elevator, gasp dramatically each time the doors open.

6.When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.

7.Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."

8.Don't use any punctuation.

9.Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.

10.Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.

If you go to my profile thingy and look up my questions there is 2 other parts to this joke i just couldnt fit em all in! lol they get funnier tho

2007-01-19 13:56:46 · 12 answers · asked by satans_sisteruk2002 2

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says,

"Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,

"what is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite
chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is"

2007-01-19 13:53:54 · 7 answers · asked by its_me_cheeky_dee 2

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

2007-01-19 13:49:29 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

None of those options is the right answer - what would you do?

2007-01-19 13:48:54 · 20 answers · asked by Grington 2

Whats the hardest part of a sex change operation
Inserting the anchovies

2007-01-19 13:46:44 · 15 answers · asked by colin050659 6

2007-01-19 13:43:57 · 11 answers · asked by Fay 5

Subject: HOW TO PREVENT THE FLU
>
> >Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was
> >admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon
> >the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
> >sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
> >tea.
> >As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister
> >noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled
> >with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
> >When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
> >
> >The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water
> >and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he
> >could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if
> >you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
> >
> >"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through
> >the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the
> >ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet
> >and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I
> >haven't had the flu all winter?"
>

2007-01-19 13:39:38 · 10 answers · asked by kayjay 4

what is weffs riddles

2007-01-19 13:39:34 · 2 answers · asked by crawlingman 2

A proton walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman says 'Oi, we don't serve electrons in here!' to which the proton replies 'But I'm not an electron!'. The barman asks 'Are you sure?' and the proton replies 'I'm positive!'.

2007-01-19 13:38:54 · 7 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

Please give me some of your best redneck jokes.

Best one gets ten points!!! (plus two for just answering)

If you can give me more than one, I would like that*.

I am trying to prove that my husband is a redneck, so is he. And I am having a damn hell of a good time doing it!!!! So, I wold like to get some of the funniest redneck jokes you have!!!

Thanks!!






(p.s. - my husband is a redneck)

2007-01-19 13:37:58 · 14 answers · asked by baby oh's 3

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, "Pig!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies "BIT*H!!"

They each continue on their way and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

IF ONLY MEN WOULD LISTEN :)

2007-01-19 13:37:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Indian husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his wife had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

2007-01-19 13:36:14 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

5 BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK...

5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
4. "This is just a 15min. power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me on."
3. "Phew! I must have left the top of the Tippex off. You probably just got here in time."
2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

And the number 1 best thing to say if you're caught sleeping at your desk is...

Raise your head slowly and say, ".....in Jesus name, Amen." :)

2007-01-19 13:32:19 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

You have to total 15. You must use 5, 4, 3, and 1 each once and must use each number. You can add, subtract, divide, or multiply to get to 15.
Example (yet incorrect) 5x3 = 15...15+4=19 19-1 = 18.
Obviously wrong because you need 15 but anybody know this. I think there is two solutions! THanks

2007-01-19 13:29:50 · 6 answers · asked by Beantown Baby 1

2007-01-19 13:28:37 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do you think this is funny?:

A blonde goes in a store and stares at some orange juice. A man walks by and asks her, "Why are you staring at the orange juice?" The blonde replies, "Because it it says concentrate!"

2007-01-19 13:22:49 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-19 13:22:43 · 3 answers · asked by talofa lava 2

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"

Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!

2007-01-19 13:19:12 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous