Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

My wife was teaching two-year-old Lara animal sounds.
"What noise does a cow make?"
"Moo."
"What noise does a dog make?"
"Woof."
"What noise does a mouse make?"
"Click!"

2007-01-19 08:53:45 · 13 answers · asked by BRIAN C 2

God and the Devil are surveying the damage "Well " says God " the fence has fallen on your side so it's up to you to repair it " " F*ck off " says old Nick " you built the damn thing, you repair it ! " so God says "Either you get it repaired or you will hear from my lawyer !" "Oh yeah " the Devil smirks " And just where are YOU gonna find a lawyer?"

2007-01-19 08:52:25 · 9 answers · asked by abraxas5597 2

gurl wise

2007-01-19 08:48:14 · 24 answers · asked by Ashley 1

...in a really bad funk! Quick, can anyone tell me a really good dirty joke? or just a good joke that hasn't been circulated a million times. Thanks.

2007-01-19 08:46:13 · 3 answers · asked by F.A.Q. 4

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this: You're a Siamese twin. Your brother, who is attached at your shoulder, is gay. but, you're not. He has a date coming over tonight. Catch is you only have one A$$ H0#LE *you watch the drive way nervously*

2007-01-19 08:45:29 · 6 answers · asked by SuzyQ 3

Top Ten Signs Your Spouse Is Having A Cyber Affair...

10. Lately, she sits at the computer naked.

9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.

8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.

7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.

6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.

5. Every day, Bill Gates sends 10 million dollars worth of flowers.

4. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.

3. During sex she screams "A COLON BACKSLASH ENTER INSERT!!!!"

2. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ***.

1. Lipstick on the mouse.

2007-01-19 08:41:15 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried, scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from the tater tots, for your own good.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Don't worry about your hair. It's your breath that makes people look at you like that.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will discover a large deposit of gold, when you're out on a stroll. Unfortunately, wealth will not make you happy.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Dorothy Parker once said "if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me." Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I'm working on the "wacky inventor" hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It's not a look for everyone, however.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
An apple a day will keep the doctor away. Another tip you should consider: fresh figs can be used to avoid plumbers.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70's nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will become embroiled in yet another argument about crustaceans today. You will easily trounce your opponent, who will leave in a huff. He's just being crabby, if you ask me.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will mortally offend a friend today when a hilarious joke pops unbidden into your mind during your friend's sad description of his problems.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Bad day to call someone a "whiney gen-x cybercowboy. " Tomorrow's better, for that one.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you'll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don't want to know. Neither do I (and I don't). I just know that neither of us wants to.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.

2007-01-19 08:41:12 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Richard is 1st on the Leadership Board for people who don't know.

2007-01-19 08:38:39 · 2 answers · asked by camicat 2

"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

2007-01-19 08:38:38 · 13 answers · asked by Ecko 4

Sup men. THIS IS A EASY RIDDLE!! First one to get it right wins......10 POINTS!!! YA HERD!!

*This Riddle brought to you by....... Jiffy Lube check us out at.........
www. Jiffylube.com

AND THE RIDDLE IS...............

What is broken every time it's spoken?

2007-01-19 08:30:30 · 7 answers · asked by hayzman22 1

2007-01-19 08:28:04 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the Pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The Pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl."Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

2007-01-19 08:22:03 · 14 answers · asked by Ecko 4

2007-01-19 08:18:13 · 7 answers · asked by andy d 1

in Essex found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.

"Where are you bleeding from?", they asked.

"ROMFORD", said the girl, "Wozzat gotta do wiv you?

2007-01-19 08:11:12 · 16 answers · asked by Ecko 4

After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live.

He immediately called his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He asked the doctor to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.

After standing for some time, the doctor asked "What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing. Just stand there."

A while later, the lawyer asked "What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing. Just stand there."

As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctor and the lawyer again asked "Why are we standing here?"

"Well," said the old man, "Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I'd do the same!

2007-01-19 08:08:37 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

How long is a peice of string?

2007-01-19 08:07:57 · 12 answers · asked by SuzyQ 3

How far can a dog run into a forest?

2007-01-19 08:06:54 · 5 answers · asked by SuzyQ 3

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.

After the intimate session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon". She confirms and asks how he knew.

"Easy, you're always washing your hands."

She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."

Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"

Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing!"

2007-01-19 08:03:53 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

He kills a deer, brings it home, cooks it and doesn't tell his children what it is. He told them he would give them a clue. "It's what your mother calls me sometimes." The little girl cries out "don't eat it, it's a f**king a**ehole!"

2007-01-19 08:02:02 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

the police find a man, found dangling from a ceiling, choked to death...the window is open, but this dead man's apt. is on the second floor, and the fire escape has not been tampered with..the police found no items in this apt...no furniture, no fridge, nothing..all they found was a wet spot near the spot where the man was dangling...how the hell did he die? (no force entry was found, except when the police broke down the door)

2007-01-19 07:59:23 · 30 answers · asked by wolvie 6

A blonde was in bad financial straits, but she was also a highly religious woman. She decided that the solution to her problems would be to win the lottery, so she got down on her knees and prayed to God about it.

"God, please let me win the lottery so I can provide for my family." She prayed. Then she watched the news that night when the read the winning numbers, and was discouraged to learn she wasn't the winner.

The next week, she got on her knees again and prayed even harder...

"Dear God, PLEASE let me win tonight's lottery. I have two hungry children that need food and new clothes for school."

So she watched the drawing later that night, and was once again discouraged that she didn't win.

The next week, she threw herself onto the floor and was weeping and wailing a prayer to God...

"PLEASE, oh kind and merciful God, I BEG you Lord, PLEASE let me win the lottery tonight. I'm behind on rent, the kids are only eating one meal a day, and they're about to cut...

2007-01-19 07:55:41 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

Not because I hate blonds or anything I just like the jokes

2007-01-19 07:53:29 · 10 answers · asked by My Life is in Black and White 4

What's brown and sits on the wall? Humpty Dump.

2007-01-19 07:52:46 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's brown and sits on the wall? Humpty Dump.

2007-01-19 07:52:28 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was political intrigue inside the fridge. The 'conservative' foodstuffs faced off against their bitter Labour rivals, who were lead by a cooked chook. The left-leaning foods were determined to undo their foes, and so the drinks, from their exclusive vantage point in the door crisper, decided to infiltrate the conservative camp and report back with any information they could obtain. The other Labourite foods were skeptical at this plot, until the chook reassured them they had successfully placed a mole, a cunningly disguised bottle of Chardonnay in the conservative camp. Privately, the other Labour foods had misgivings about both the mole, and their leader. What did they say?

'Can a chicken catch a Tory with a white wine source?'"

2007-01-19 07:51:47 · 9 answers · asked by James A 1

The owner charge them $30 and show them to their room. After some time, the owner decides that $30 was too much so he gives the luggage boy 5$ to return to the men. On it's way, the boy figures that $5 is hard to split in three so he keeps $2 and give each man $1. So... if the men originally paid $30, $10 ea and got back $1, that means that they paid $27. Add to this the $2 that the boy kept and now we have a sum of $29... Where is the missing $ ???

2007-01-19 07:51:19 · 13 answers · asked by Abaris 3

2007-01-19 07:49:52 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Their middle name


BOOM BOOM DING!

LMAO I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING, SOMEONE CALL A DOCTOR, IM GOING TO GIVE MYSELF A HEART ATTACK

OH GOD...OH man I NEED TO CALM DOWN...LOL!!!......rofl!!!

2007-01-19 07:49:22 · 11 answers · asked by James A 1

A blond is a little short on cash so one day she gets the brilliant idea to go out and look for odd jobs to make a little quick money.

She goes to the well to do side of town and goes up to the front door of the first house she comes to and rings the door bell. A man answers the door and she asks if he as any odd jobs for her. He thinks for a moment and says "well, I've been needing to paint my porch, if you do it I'll give you $100." She agrees and he tells her the paint and supplies are in the garage. She goes off to paint and he goes back inside.

A short time later she comes back to the door and says "I'm all finished - in fact I had enough paint for two coats" He is impressed and pays her the money. As she turns to leave she says "BTW, that's not a porch, it's a Lexus"

2007-01-19 07:48:17 · 13 answers · asked by nuthnbettr2do0128 5

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church.

As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late to church.
Please don't let me be late to church...."
As she was running she tripped and fell.

When she got back up she began praying again...

"Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either!

2007-01-19 07:45:48 · 61 answers · asked by Anonymous