Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

police arrested a man today for impersonating a flat battery. having been unable to establish any useful leads, he was later released without being charged.

x

2007-01-19 06:52:42 · 6 answers · asked by aria 5

how great is he?

He is so great that he went downtown...got two blow-jobs and came back and gave me one.

2007-01-19 06:52:02 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

One solid punch from Mike Tyson to the face, in exchange for ONE MILLION DOLLARS. You can't wear anything over the face to protect yourself, you have to take it straight on. Mike Tyson gets to wind up and get a running start if he wishes.

** Also, he would be wearing boxing gloves. Bare fist is a little too much.

*** Also, this is Mike Tyson today. Do not consider when he was at his peak back in the early 90s. I'd bet he could still punch pretty dang hard.

2007-01-19 06:51:22 · 9 answers · asked by crapola5 2

HRD Notice of a company to employees!

Dear STAFF,
Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

1) TRANSPORTATION:
It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.

a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


2) ANNUAL LEAVE :
Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1 employee).
- They are called SATURDAYs AND SUNDAYs.


3) LUNCH BREAK:
a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.


4) SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness.
- If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


5) SURGERY :
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
- To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.


6) INTERNET USAGE :
All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges
will be deducted from your salary.

- Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 10MB connection.

Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed somewhere else.


Best Regards,
HR Manager

2007-01-19 06:51:03 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

just type your fav. joke!!! (nothing too crude)

2007-01-19 06:46:34 · 13 answers · asked by pam_ple_mousse 4

Marketing Rules



A Professor at one of the IIM's (INDIA) was explaining marketing concepts to the Students:


1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" - *That's Direct Marketing.*

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. Marry him." - * That's Advertising.*

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - * That's Telemarketing.*

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - * That's Public Relations.*

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! Can you marry ! me?" - * That's Brand Recognition.*

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: I am very rich. Marry me! "She gives you a nice hard slap on your face."- * That's Customer Feedback*

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband.- * That's demand and supply gap*

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you sayanything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him. -* That's competition eating into your market share*

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - * That's restriction for entering new markets*

2007-01-19 06:22:06 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-19 06:18:09 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

my fiance friend told me he wants to break up with me cuz of car?

2007-01-19 06:17:55 · 6 answers · asked by stacey w 1

Two old men were sitting in a bar.
One said to the other, "if I die first I want you to pour a 5th of whiskey on my grave every year on my birthday?"
The other said, "do you mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"

2007-01-19 06:09:45 · 25 answers · asked by sheriff fatman 2

2007-01-19 06:05:39 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-19 06:00:58 · 8 answers · asked by hardygirl_1988 1

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on"

"Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But whats that shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."

2007-01-19 06:00:12 · 5 answers · asked by ? 3

2007-01-19 05:55:33 · 36 answers · asked by stacey w 1

Q how do u turn a fox into a hippo

A marry her

2007-01-19 05:52:22 · 17 answers · asked by blonde286021 2

and a octogan has eight sides
and a octet has eight players
Why is October the tenth month?

Bit of a silly question, but it's always bugged me!

2007-01-19 05:51:42 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

2007-01-19 05:45:44 · 4 answers · asked by mai51156 2

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to
enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in

P...

E...

N...

I...

S.

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:


***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

2007-01-19 05:44:51 · 9 answers · asked by Papa 7

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser

2007-01-19 05:42:38 · 7 answers · asked by mai51156 2

I think it's Olson. I'm gonna kick his *** if he doesn't quit it.

2007-01-19 05:41:44 · 4 answers · asked by ? 2

Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.

2007-01-19 05:41:09 · 5 answers · asked by mai51156 2

1 . Tell her she is beautiful (not hot, fine, or sexy)

2 . Hold her hand at any moment . . . even if its just for a second.

3 . Kiss her on the forehead.

4 . Leave her voice messages to wake up to.

5 . Always tell her you love her every second of the day.

6 . When she is upset, hold her tight and tell her how much she means to you.

7 . Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most.

8 . Sing to her no matter how horrible your voice is.

9 . Pick her over all the other girls you hang out with.

10 . Write her notes. (she loves them)

11 . Introduce her to family and friends . . . as your girlfriend.
12 . Play with her hair.

13 . Pick her up, tickle her, and play-wrestle with her.

14 . Sit in the park and just talk to her.

15 . Tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes, or just tell her jokes.

16 . Throw pebbles at her window in the middle of the night . . . just because you missed her.

17 . Let her fall asleep in your arms.

18. Carve your names into a tree.

19 . If she's mad at you, kiss her.

20 . Give her piggyback rides.

21 . Bring her flowers

22 . Treat her the same around your friends as you do when your alone.

23 . Look her in the eyes and smile.

24 . Let her take as many pictures of you as she wants.

25 . Slow dance with her, even if there isn't any music playing.

26 . Kiss her in the rain.

27 . If your in love with her . . . tell her.

2007-01-19 05:30:33 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A hill-billy gave his wife a long romantic French kiss, and after finishing it, began chewing with his mouth...he then started playing his eyebrows and teased his wife saying "Hah! I snatched the chewing gum from your mouth!" "Nope!" his wife replied "that was mucous!!!"

A hill-billy was eating a **** sandwich when he found a piece of hair in it...he got disgusted and threw up!!!

A hill-billy had sex with a woman suffering from AIDS, he infected her with Bellharzzia!!!

A hill-billy slipped from the 37th floor and fell on the ground, he broke his big toe-nail and went on weeping!!!

A hill-billy kept on dancing with his wife till she fainted from over-exhaustion. He then gave her a smell of his feet, she expired !!!

A hill-billy tickled his son till his intestines came out!

A hill-billy was bouncing his baby child, he made the aeroplane fall!!!

A hill-billy was playing chess. When his opponent killed his knight, the hill-billy poisoned his cattle!!!

2007-01-19 05:29:14 · 8 answers · asked by Mehmet Azk 2

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a long, painful
tirade,listing every problem they had ever had. She went on and on and
on about neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling
unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had
endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked the wife
to stand, and then embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her
off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.

2007-01-19 05:27:00 · 6 answers · asked by Silver Fox 3

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

2007-01-19 05:26:41 · 18 answers · asked by ~ 3

2007-01-19 05:19:26 · 12 answers · asked by Silver Fox 3

2007-01-19 05:15:57 · 13 answers · asked by sophiesabush 2

2007-01-19 05:12:04 · 5 answers · asked by r s 1

A boy returned from school in a bad mood. He complained to his father that he's considering dropping out of school. "Why?" asked his father "Because" replied the son "everything we take at school is said to be either theoretical or practical...What the heavens is "theoretical" and what the hell is "practical"?" asked the son in a desperate manner. "All right! Calm down, son! I'll simply explain to you what theoretical and practical are" replied the father in a cold manner. The father then added "We're gonna ask your mom a question:Honey! Would you agree to have an affair with a wealthy guy if he were to give you $2 million?" "Why not?!" was the mother's reply "But only in my dreams!" she added. The father then asked his daughter the same question to which she answered "Oh yes, dad! That would be the chance of a lifetime!" The father then told his son "You see, my son?! Theoretically we've got $4 million dollars, but practically we have two bitc*es staying with us at home!"

2007-01-19 05:10:30 · 5 answers · asked by Mehmet Azk 2

paddy wins the lottery ,Camelot told him that they were running low on funds. So they would give him 3 mil this & 3 mil the next
Paddy says if u gonna buggar me about can i jus have my pound back

2007-01-19 05:09:43 · 19 answers · asked by blonde286021 2

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"


"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"

2007-01-19 04:58:54 · 17 answers · asked by Lg 4