Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

one day a rabbit spots a bird sitting on the top branch of a tree doing nothing the rabbit says to the bird can i sit with you and do nothing all day. The bird agrees so the rabbit sits next to the tree and does nothing later that day a fox comes along and eats the rabbit. Moral of the story you have to be very high up to sit around all day and do nothing.

One day a bird is flying in winter conditions when all of a sudden he drop out of the sky nearly frozen to death a cow comes along and poo's right on top of the bird. The bird realises realises that the dung is actually warming the bird up. After a while the bird starts to sing with happiness as he is starting to feelwell again. All of a sudden a cat comes along drags him from the dung and eats him. Moral is not every one who sh*ts on you is your enemy and not every one who gets you out of sh*t is you r friend.

2007-01-19 03:15:23 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

so charlie was visiting an old friend,joe out of the country.
About awhile later, he soon
began to realize that it was getting late and
that he should be on his way home. But come
to find that his car won't start,with the
nearest gas station is about a mile away and
it being too late to call a mechanic. they
offered charlie to spend the night. Charlie
had no choice but to consider. Charlie
feeling displaced, he wondered where he would
sleep since his friend hadn't any furniture,
not even a sofa. the only funiture worth
sleeping on was their bed. so they all slept
together: charlie, joe and his wife. charlie,
having a hard time sleeping, he felt a tap
on his shoulder. it was joe's wife, peeking
over joe while he slept and asked "wanna scrxw?"
charlie surprised replied "but joe's right here,
he'll be pxssed if he wakes up!". "don't worry
about joe, he sleeps like a log, you can pull
of piece out of his axs and he still woundn't
budge." she answered back.

2007-01-19 03:14:18 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman stopped by at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed! "This is my love dress,my husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, "Needs ironing," he said.

2007-01-19 03:12:05 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

See I can even tell jokes and make fun of myself. Lighten up some of you.

2007-01-19 03:10:34 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Mary was never good in Sunday School,
so she decided to sleep through class, but 1
day the teacher asked her a question "Mary
who created the universe?" Mary never moved
from her deep sleep, so johnny a little boy
who sits behind her in class took his pen
and poked her with it and Mary jumped up and
yelled "God almighty" and the teacher told
her it was correct. A little while later
the teacher asked her another question
"Mary, who is our lord and savior?" again
Mary never answered so Johnny poked her
with his pen again and Mary jumps up and
yells "Sweet Jesus!!" the teacher told her
it was correct so Mary went back to sleep.
The teacher her asked her a 3rd question,
"Mary, what did Eve say to Adam after they
had their 23rd child?" So 1 last time Johnny
pokes Mary with his pen , but
this time Mary jumps up and yells
"If you stick that damn thing in me 1 more
time I'm gonna break it in half!!"
Then the teacher faints. ?

2007-01-19 03:09:48 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

nuff said guys

2007-01-19 03:02:22 · 5 answers · asked by ♥lois c♥ ☺♥♥♥☺ 6

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll
be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc...

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop ... but at the bar ... you know ... they
have frozen glasses ..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug
out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll,

2007-01-19 03:01:20 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because, "MAD COW DISEASE WAS TAKEN".

2007-01-19 03:00:41 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

And the barman says "why the long face" boom boom

2007-01-19 02:58:09 · 14 answers · asked by Troubled Joe(the ghost of) 6

Monique walked in to a sxxshop. She told the shop assistant she wanted to buy a dxldo, the man said far wall right hand side we have lots to choose from. So she began to choose. Green ones... pink ones.... but jordan says she wants the red one and the shop assistant says there must be some mistake thats the fire extinguisher.

2007-01-19 02:57:48 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man, a flamingo and a cat walk into a bar.
The man buys the round of drinks, then they
all leave. The next day, they go into the
bar and the flamingo buys the round of drinks
then they leave. On the third day, even
though it is the cats turn to buy the drinks
it refuses, so the man buys the round. When
he is buying the drinks, the barman says
"how come you're paying, not the cat?"
The man replied "I found a magic lamp, and
when the genie appeared, I asked for a bird
with long legs and a tight pxssy!"

2007-01-19 02:54:54 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-19 02:51:36 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger..
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants
every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

2007-01-19 02:44:04 · 6 answers · asked by KTINA 3

2007-01-19 02:41:09 · 10 answers · asked by phishsports 3

Coffee and Donuts at the Nude Beach

Who's the most popular guy at a nude beach?
The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and seven donuts.
Who's the most popular girl at a nude beach?
The girl who can eat the seventh donut.
===========================
Mistaken Identity

A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"
============
One Friday night, a policeman saw a car parked up at "makeout point." Shining his flashlight in the window, he saw a young
man fidgeting in the front seat glancing at his watch and a young woman sitting in the back seat and reading a magazine.

"Excuse me, son" said the cop, "but how old are the two of you?"

"I'm eighteen, sir, and" (checking his watch another time) "in ten more minutes, she'll be eighteen too!"

2007-01-19 02:40:06 · 14 answers · asked by Janey 3

2007-01-19 02:37:33 · 7 answers · asked by star l 1

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted
to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you
the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he
stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said -
That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

2007-01-19 02:34:16 · 19 answers · asked by KTINA 3

2007-01-19 02:23:31 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

you kick his sister in the jaw.

2007-01-19 02:22:18 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother."I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears."Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the
mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out?" He said,"no i was playing with myself and I shoot the dog!"
hahahaha

2007-01-19 02:20:20 · 7 answers · asked by *NuBCaKe* 4

Two men were out hunting deer one early morning. One of the men got tired and decided to take off his brightly colored vest and was in the process of bending over to tie his shoe when a shot rang out. The man's friend turned around to find that the man had been shot and was lying on the ground face down. The friend immediately got his cell phone out and dialed 9-1-1. When the operator picked up he frantically screamed into the phone, "You gotta send help, my friend just got shot while we were out hunting! I think he's dead!"
The operator replied, "Okay sir, I need you to stay calm for me. Where are you?"
"We're in the woods down by the lake, about 2 miles in."
"Okay, thank you sir, now, can check your friend to make sure if he's dead?"
"Okay, I will. I'm gonna put my phone down for a second then," the friend replied.
The next sound the operator heard was a gunshot. Then the man's friend gets back on the phone and says, "Yeah, he's dead. I made sure just like you told me so."

2007-01-19 02:19:09 · 4 answers · asked by Maverick 6

He says yes, so she gets out her left breast an he signs it then she sees Drogba an asks him the same he says yes so gets out her right breast an he signs it,then she sees Jose Mourinho an asks for his, when he says yes she lowers her knickers an he say no way the last c**t I signed cost me £30 million

2007-01-19 02:09:49 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

this feller and his buddy was going huntin. and his friend had the scope up and said" i can see your house from here. your wife is cheatin on you with another man". and the guy said "o that's it. i 've had it with her. shoot her in the head and shoot him in the private parts. and he aid "i'll get that in one shot".

2007-01-19 02:08:53 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." "Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands. Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me". The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish... So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! - the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story..... Men might be ungrateful idiots,but fairies are..... female

2007-01-19 02:07:20 · 9 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

Picture an empty wine bottle with a metal object suspend in air inside of the bottle, the this is done by tying a piece of string from the metal to the cover
Question: how do you get the metal to the bottom of the bottle without touching the bottle the cover the string and the piece of metal?

2007-01-19 02:07:10 · 7 answers · asked by tease :-) 2

Picture an empty wine bottle with a metal object suspend in air inside of the bottle, the this is done by tying a piece of string from the metal to the cover
Question: how do you get the metal to the bottom of the bottle without touching the bottle the cover the string and the piece of metal?

2007-01-19 02:06:20 · 8 answers · asked by tease :-) 2

Three Stupid Wives

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, ''I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in.''
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.
''Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,'' he laments, ''and she doesn't even know how to drive!''
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ''Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it,'' he chuckles. ''My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a pen!s!''

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2007-01-19 01:58:43 · 16 answers · asked by Janey 3

Would that be Claptrap or is it nonsense

2007-01-19 01:54:12 · 5 answers · asked by Robin C 4

the one with angry and hungry and you have to find out the last word that ends with -gry???

the next time some1 asks the question i'm gonna rip out my hair!

2007-01-19 01:16:59 · 17 answers · asked by Grammar B*@%h 4

Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side than one the other side. Some people believe that this is because when cats lay on their side they need insulation from the cold of the floor or ground. Which side of a cat has more hair?

2007-01-19 01:03:19 · 11 answers · asked by credo quia est absurdum 7