Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-19 00:44:23 · 13 answers · asked by ownagesinz 1

I know some of these are old, but oh well...

What did OJ say to his kids when they wanted to use the Bronco?
Go axe your mom.

Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
Yeah, they found her face down in a Rikki Lake.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace.

Why was Christa McCullife such a bad teacher?
She blew up in front of her class!

Other miscellaneous ones: (I've got 600 characters left!)

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a leaf pile?
Russel.

Two guys with no arms or legs hangin' on a wall?
Kurt 'n' Rod.

What did Jesus tell the Polish people before he rose to heaven?
You guys play dumb 'til I get back.

Best way to get stains out of your underwear?
Put them over your head and Shout it Out!

A dyslexic walks into a bra....

Two polacks out hunting and end up fighting over a set of tracks they see. Deer! says one, No, BEAR! says the other. They both throw down their guns to fight when the train hits 'em.

2007-01-19 00:28:05 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-19 00:17:52 · 11 answers · asked by JUSS 4

Gordon Brown.

2007-01-19 00:14:08 · 14 answers · asked by Mohammed A 2

Tourretti Spaghetti - a bit like the alphabet variety but just with the letters f,c,u,k.

2007-01-18 23:58:37 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-18 23:55:04 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-18 23:53:52 · 19 answers · asked by Van Whistler 2

A coroner goes to the mortuary and the mortuary attendant says there are 3 dead bodies here, all with a smile on their face. The coroner has a look at the first body and asks how he had died. The mortuary attendant says "this is an englishman he was making love to his wife when died so that is why he has a smile on his face." The coroner then asks the same question about the second body. The attendant says "this is a scotsman he drank himself to death that is why he is smiling". The coroner then asks about the third body. The attendant says "this is an irishman he was struck by lightning". The coroner says "then why is he smiling?" The attendant answers.......................... he thought he was having his photo taken."

2007-01-18 23:52:02 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-18 23:44:43 · 8 answers · asked by Harmanjot S 1

3 Italian Nuns

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.

He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing.

He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

2007-01-18 23:42:58 · 22 answers · asked by angel 4

me and my friend, emz is really bored because we are in class trying to do work. so can you please make us laugh and gave us a joke
thanks

2007-01-18 23:32:40 · 12 answers · asked by X-x-Katie-x-X 2

A young man and woman meet and after a whirlwind courtship decide to get married. They decide that as virgins, they're going to wait until their wedding night to make love.

After the wedding, the honeymoon is at hand. In the hotel room that night the bride starts to cry. "I've got a confession...I'm not very well endowed, I'm flat as a board, but I padded all this time because I didn't want to lose you!" He comforts her and says, "I have a confession too... I'm built like a baby 'down there'." and points to his groin.

Well, they both again convey their love for each other and she takes her top off, and sure enough, her breasts are very tiny. He leans closer, kisses her and slowly undoes his pants and his shorts, and as she looks down, she faints.

After a scary moment for the groom, she comes to and he says, "Honey, are you okay?! What happened?!" She said, "I thought you said you were built like a baby down there!" I am", he said. 8 pounds, 23 inches!

2007-01-18 23:31:18 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

An inspector was making an annual inspection of the local asylum.He came across a man going 'Choo..choo..choo'."What are you doing?" he asked...I'm a train. "Right"..he writes it down.
"What is your name andwhat are you doing here?" he asks another man
'Billy,Sir,I don't know Sir there has been a mistake, I should'nt really be here,I'm totally sane,unlike the Orient Express over there and Napoleon next to him.'
"Terrible "says the inspector I'll put in a report about you when I leave ,should have you out of here in no time".
'Really,thank you so much,that would be much appreciated Sir.'
He carries on with his inspection and asks the guard " Why is that man hanging upside down from the ceiling?" 'Ignore him Sir,he thinks he's a light bulb. " You can't leave him like that!! Take him down at once!" 'What and let the others work in the dark?"
The inspection is now over and he has passed through the gate,a brick hits him on the head..' Its Billy Sir.you won't forget will you!'

2007-01-18 23:28:25 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

please u all welcome
waiting for ur jokes
all are invited

2007-01-18 23:28:18 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady places an ad in her local supermarket looking for a handyman.
The next day, a bloke knocks on the door.
G'day Lady, I'm here about the job."
"Can you paint," she asks?
"No, I have bad sinuses and the fumes make me sick."
"Well, could you clean my spouts out then," she asks?
"No, sorry, I have vertigo, can't stand heights."
"OK, what about mowing then?"
"No, can't mow, I get hayfever."
"What about carpentry, can you do that?"
"No, I'm afraid not, I have bad arthritis in my wrists, can't use tools at all without great pain."
"Seems to me," says the Lady, "You don't have much going for you, so why do you think you're handy?"
"I live around the corner....."

2007-01-18 23:22:18 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sorry bit long and old methinks....but here goes.........
A salesman drives into town where a circus is playing. A sign reads: Don't miss the amazing Italian!
He buys a ticket. In the big top is a table with 3 walnuts on it. Next to it is an old Italian man.
Suddenly, the old guy drops his trosers, whips ou his huge male member and cracks the walnuts with 3 almighty swings. The crowd go wild. Fifteen years later, the salesman visits the same town and sees the same faded sign. He can't believe the old Italian is still alive and doing his act, so he buys a ticket. But this time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table. Again the old guy drops his pants and cracks the coconuts with thee swings of his massive member. The crowd erupts.
Astonished the salesman asks to meet him.
'You're incredible,' he tells the old man., but i saw you fifteen years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch to coconuts?
'Well,' the old man says, 'my eyes aren't what they used to be.'

2007-01-18 23:21:00 · 16 answers · asked by crazeeladee no more 5

What has 4 legs in the morning, 2 in the afternoon and three in the evening.

2007-01-18 22:53:01 · 12 answers · asked by Chrisssy 2

2007-01-18 22:50:23 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are a visitor in an insane asylum and you are being given the tour by the medical team.
After viewing the wards, the kitchen and various other facilities, you are taken to a bathroom.
There's a bath in there and it's filled with water.
Beside the bath are 3 items, a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket.
You enquire as to the purpose of this.
You are told it is the final test to determine whether an inmate can be released or not, the correct answer and you're free.
Incorrect and it's back to the padded cell, the straightjackets, the electric shocks and all the other good things about being crazy.
And the question is, and remember, there's a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket there but just how will you empty the water out of the bath?

2007-01-18 22:46:59 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-18 22:45:22 · 11 answers · asked by impasse 2

2007-01-18 22:44:26 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

~THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF MANIC-DEPRESSION~

1.Thou shalt not blame everything on chemical imbalance.
2.Thou shalt avoid high places and sharp objects when on eitherextreme of the mood spectrum.
3.Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's shiny trinkets.
4.Thou shalt not trust any shrink who writes thee up a prescriptionafter the first 15 minutes.
5.Thou shalt not beat up anyone while on a manic fit, no matter howmuch ye really want to, or how much they deserve it.
6.Thou shalt indulge in immaturity whenever the urge strikes thee. 7.Thou shalt not break stuff that does not belong to thee.
8.Thou shalt go to bed only when ye feel tired.
9.Thou shalt allow others to occasionally get a word in edgewise. 10.Thou shalt not send people crazy e-mails at odd hours of the night, and if thou does, then thou shalt take full responsibility for thine actions.

and remember,
"Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose"

2007-01-18 22:42:08 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The following advertisement in the Melbourne Age is reported to have
received numerous calls:

Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am
a very good-looking girl who loves to play.
I love long walks in the bush, riding in your ute, hunting, camping, and
fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the
right way and watch me respond.

I'll be at the front door when you get home from work wearing only what
nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.

Call xxxxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.

Over 5,000 men found themselves talking to the RSPCA about an eight
week-old black Labrador Retriever puppy.

Men are so easy.

2007-01-18 22:38:14 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

I went to B&Q yesterday and some old boy in an orange suit asked if i wanted decking. Luckily I got the 1st punch in so that was the end of it!!!

2007-01-18 22:36:44 · 20 answers · asked by splandastic 3

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

2007-01-18 22:34:19 · 2 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

There are three guys going through an exit interview at a mental hospital. The doctor says he can release them if they can answer the simple mathematical problem: What is 8 times 5?

The first patient says, "139."

The second one says, "Wednesday."

The third says, "What a stupid question. It's obvious: The answer is 40."

The doctor is delighted. He gives the guy his release. As the man is leaving, the doctor asks how he came up with the correct answer so quickly.

"It was easy, Doc. I just divided Wednesday into 139."

2007-01-18 22:29:19 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-18 22:21:00 · 14 answers · asked by Hitesh 2

A boy wanted to skip kindergarten so he could join the third graders. His teacher, shocked, took him to the principal’s office. The teacher and the principal decided to ask the boy a couple of questions as a test. “What is 3 x 3?” the principal asks. “9,” the boy answers. “What is 6 x 6?” the principal asks again. “36,” the boy answers.” The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think he can go to the third-grade.” “Wait, let me ask him some more questions,” the teacher insists. The principal agrees. “What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?” the teacher asks. The principal’s eyes opened wide in horror. “Coconut,” the boy answers. “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?” the teacher continues. The principal can’t believe his ears. “Bubblegum,” the boy replies. “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do,” the teacher goes on. “Tent,” the boy answers. “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.” “Arrow,” the boy answers. “Damn it, put him in the sixth grade,” the principal interrupts. “I got all your questions wrong myself!”

2007-01-18 22:19:43 · 11 answers · asked by Dr.90703 2

It is greater than God and more evil than the Devil. Rich people want it and poor people have it.

What is 'it'?

2007-01-18 22:17:56 · 8 answers · asked by Chrisssy 2

Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?

2007-01-18 22:17:47 · 10 answers · asked by KATEL 3