hows my poem?

Question

hi can you tell me wat you think to my poem, please can you give me constructive comments and any links that could help me improve, please no nastyness just honesty, many thanx

Questions

I wonder if I can do this?
Can it be possible to do that?
Wonder if this is bliss?
As I trip over the cat

If I ware that coat
Shall I wash them shirts?
If I drop it will it float?
Can I touch that? Will it hurt?

Shall I lock the door?
And leave the curtains shut?
Do I need to hover the floor?
Is that knife sharp enough to cut?

Do I need to got out of this chair
What about a shower? do I need?
And then maybe after that, fresh air?
I’m hungry, do I need to feed?

I’m a feeling low, or am I okay?
I need to answer these riddles
And it needs to be done today

ok lou u got ya 2 points :P but maybe a little more elaberation would be nice :P

thanx coley, but there is no logical order to the poem, they are just questions that run throught the head lol , thankyou for your comments

thanx mary-jane,as for being depressed, erm no , i was trying to iilistrate that i have all sorts of silly things running through my brain, its good that you got a feeling from the poem, many thanx for your feedback :)

tyvm mesmerize

you got the feeling i was trying to get across, i agree with you on the last few verses and i think you may be right, needs a few tweaks, thanx again for your honesty

muza s, does any1 tell some1 to write poetry, it comes from within , the need to express feelings , saddness joy hate etc.
why do you ask, is it something you have wanted to try, or are you insinuating that i cannot write?

chris w. well i never, how rude can you be, i asked for constructive comments not abuse, age is not important there are so many ways you could have stated your feelings without being offencive and abusive, your understanding of poerty is horrendous, the spelling errors?? they are spelt correctly they are just a different meaning which is designed to make you think, but i feel that you dont have this within you!, every1 has a gift the person you are talking about will have the gift for writing, not all of us are that lucky, please feel free to prove me wrong and place a piece of poetry that you have writen!its easy to put someones work down without constructive reasons and without explaining why , to say someone is better is not a reason, i would have preffered it if you just said it was rubbish rather than degrade me and my work, hopefully someone will do the same to you one day :D

my bad i didnt read the later of your answer, and you say my poems where bad, lol , your poem was rude and to the point with a hint of sarcasm!! try doing one with feeling and meaning, that is designed to make one think, then i shall take my hat off and say well done(ps there was a spelling error in your reply :P)

Answer 1

Dear Steve it's an extremely effective poem.
It encapsulates a state of mind and vividly gives a picture through the person's eyes.
Some people may find it a little distressing, and they will react by "flipping you off"
If you put a "If you like Sylvia Plath, you may like to read this" sort of warning on the front of it, then people who want "Disney" poems won't read it.
Oh , I forgot to say, it's also very honest, it's truth is what makes it so powerful...

I hate to find fault, but the last 2 verses don't ring quite so true, maybe the obvious effort to rhyme, starts to intrude on the truth, I would be tempted to finish at the end of the 3rd verse.

P.S. my favourite moments
" ware" that coat ( as in ,sounds like wear/where?/'ware for "beware")-hinting at the fear of going out loss,covering up(please don't tell me it's a typo!)
and "hover" the floor , great, we all know it's "hoover" for vacuuming, but the need to hover portrays state of mind wonderfully.
That is the reason I find the first 3 verses the strongest.
Sorry , to go on- but you did ask.....


M : I*

Answer 2

The grass was green the sky was blue
when over the hill a S**t Cart flew
a wheel shot off and a scream was heard
as a man was killed by a flying t**d

Answer 3

I think it's really good- very clever.
On the second verse I think it should be,

If I wear that coat,
will it clash with my shirt?
(Just makes a bit more sense, just because you wear a coat doesn't mean you need to wash shirts!)

Also a bit of spelling, needs sorting out... Other than that

It made me smile, and I like it!!
:0)

Answer 4

i love the concept, yet there are quite some misspellings. also, "textspeak" doesn't difficulty me even as it truly is used to save time and money, yet in poetry, you should spell out all the words and also verify the spelling of the entire poem previously you submit it. you're of route an really comfortable man or woman.

Answer 5

how old are you. if you are about 12 years old then well done but if you are older WTF are you on......I have seen better poems in Birthday Cards and they are just everyday drivel so come on are you for real....Sorry but i know an 8 year old who writes songs and she leaves you in the shade, You can't even spell properly....sorry..
i will be honest
and true to my word
to say you can write
would just be absurd.
I dont mean to be nasty
cheeky or rude
But if you were on the stage
You would get boo'ed.....

Answer 6

Who suggested you writing poems.

Answer 7

I have heard better but keep on trying

Answer 8

Not good,does n't rhyme properly,does n't flow well..basically crap.Sorry you asked.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Some poems rhyme,
This one does n't.

Answer 9

Roses are red
Violets are blue
My poem rocks
Yours smells like poo.....

Answer 10

i think it's a cry for help and your depressed