Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

2007-01-16 09:13:53 · 11 answers · asked by nerdalicious_87 1

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.
''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.''

"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.''

"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came.

''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!''

2007-01-16 09:12:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes to a Dentist. The Dentist says "what can I do for you today?" The guy replies "I think I'm a moth" The Dentist replies "You need a psychiatrist, not a Dentist. The man replies "I know"
''Well what are you doing here then" He asks
The man replies "Your light was on"

2007-01-16 09:10:29 · 13 answers · asked by samootch 2

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”
“I've been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you've had quite a few.”

“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.”

2007-01-16 09:08:35 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is bright orange and sound like a parrot?..this is my second question that no have given a correct answer to it..so let me give u a clue..

clue: bugs bunny's food..

2007-01-16 09:06:00 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Pet Supplies shop is 655 meters from the Smoothie Store, 393 Meters from the Magic shop, and 314 meters from the Grooming Parlour. The Defence Magic shop is 236 meters from the Grooming Parlour and 524 meters from the Smoothie Store.

Assuming the distance between the Grooming Parlour and the Smoothie Store is less than the distance between the Pet Supplies shop and the Smoothie Store, what is the distance between the Grooming Parlour and the Smoothie Store? Please round to the nearest meter.

2007-01-16 09:03:59 · 6 answers · asked by hon3ysmil3z 2

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc."

2007-01-16 09:01:45 · 16 answers · asked by nerdalicious_87 1

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

2007-01-16 08:56:49 · 11 answers · asked by Mr.Why? 2

Supposing you are captain of a ship and it has three red funnels and it leaves New York on a Tuesday and gets to Southampton on Saturday and on the return trip reaches New York on Thursday, what is the name of the captain of the ship?

2007-01-16 08:54:14 · 32 answers · asked by kangaroo 4

A Scotsman , Englishman and an Irishman go on a trek across the Sahara Desert, they can take one item each. The Scotsman take a rifle, the Englishman an umbrells and the Irishman a car door. When asked why these the Scotsman replies if we see some animals I can shoot it for food also if we get attacked I can defend us. The Englishman replies if the sun is to hot I can put it up to shelter us and if it rains I can turn it upside down to collect water. The Irishman replies to be sure sir mine is the best item for if it get to hot I can wind down the window.

2007-01-16 08:54:14 · 17 answers · asked by Robert E 2

man:so how are you?
girl:oh fine you

man:well my women domped me and now am crazy over all women.
girl:oh is that so well am have to kids 9 the boy and 3 the girl do you.
man:no I don't but I would like to.
girl:ok then trie mine out for the day I promise after your done you'll hate kids!
man:know way that I would ever hate kids.
girl well we will see about that.
man:ok then so were do you live.
girl:down the block.
man:ok so I'll be there at 7:00 ok.
girl:ok If you are you want to.
man:all be there.
girl:well see.

the next day
man:are you there.
girl:ya just liveing.
man:that was not in the deal.
girl:bye
man:wait
girl:sorry now I have plains with my new boyfreind!!!
man:wait your my girl freind
girl:no I don't like you bye an she was gone for ever.!!!!!!!

2007-01-16 08:52:35 · 6 answers · asked by Mebre 1

the lion king is an african lion and oj is a lying african!

2007-01-16 08:48:32 · 7 answers · asked by wolvie 6

i need to make a short poem for english, and i need a little help..
this is what i have so far

Who is one that yerns for the rich life?
Or Is all he wants is a little love from his wife,
O god, the creator of earth please tell the riddle of life


exept, i need to know another word that has the same meaning of "life" but also rymes like life. thanku for ur time

2007-01-16 08:40:27 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter!.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized!!.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

2007-01-16 08:39:24 · 29 answers · asked by nerdalicious_87 1

I can be soft or hard
You may find me anywhere, usually with a bouquet of flowers
To get me, you need someone, anyone
Both man and woman love me
I am as sweet as Jesus
But I'm not someone, im someTHING
What am i?

2007-01-16 08:37:46 · 11 answers · asked by pigtails101 2

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a ***** to death with the chair!"

2007-01-16 08:34:09 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child.."

The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"

The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphr0dite."

The woman looks confused. "A hermaphr0dite, what's that?"

The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."

The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a p*nis AND a brain?"

2007-01-16 08:28:53 · 11 answers · asked by nerdalicious_87 1

From his trousers he took it
Between two legs he put it
First thru hair then thru skin
Give it push and then its in.
whats happening

2007-01-16 08:28:36 · 17 answers · asked by Andy S 2

can someone please answer this question

2007-01-16 08:27:16 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.
'It's brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew.
'tell the audience what happened?'
'Well' replies Simon, a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a bad accident. my uncle was killed outright,I was trapped in the car then cut free.'
I was in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.
That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?' asks Matthew.
No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors told me that my uncle had died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
Kelly responds with: That's an unbelievable story.
So tonight, who are you going to be?'
Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle.

2007-01-16 08:24:53 · 4 answers · asked by Gezza D 2

sorry if this is afinding what do u call 32 readnecks in a room.


a full set of teeth :))

2007-01-16 08:23:02 · 6 answers · asked by inzo 1

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

2007-01-16 08:21:10 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

What comes once in a minute, Twice in a moment, but Never in a thoussand years?

2007-01-16 08:16:33 · 13 answers · asked by IwntYrHd 4

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the ****!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.

2007-01-16 08:14:46 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's azmanig how a prosen can raed tihs sntecene crtoerlcy, but it's vrey pbisosle. The way the hmaun mnid wrkos is taht as lnog as the frsit and lsat ltreets are crcoert, tehn the mnid raengrraes the lretets to raed tehm clrortecy.

2007-01-16 08:14:34 · 10 answers · asked by Maverick 6

10 pts if u get it 1st.

2007-01-16 08:09:05 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I know he got chucked off (not surprising!!!)
I miss him.

2007-01-16 08:08:42 · 2 answers · asked by Roy S 3

A little boy who lives on a farm came running in to his mother. "Mummy,mummy the bull is sha66ing a cow!"
Mum says "Don't say sha66ing Darling, say.... surprising!"
A little while later the boy runs in again. "Mum,mum the bull is surprising all the cows!"
Mum says "He can't be suprising all the cows!"
Little boy says "Oh yes he is.He is sha66ing the horse!"

2007-01-16 08:07:21 · 9 answers · asked by d1ckdeckard 3

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you lose your leg?"

The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?"

The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"

The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"

2007-01-16 08:04:46 · 15 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

keep the toilet plunger in the toilet

im trying to be a comedian... rate the question also please so i know if you laughed or not.

thankyou

2007-01-16 08:03:43 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous