Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you
really think they look alike, you d1ckhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"

2007-01-15 23:49:04 · 28 answers · asked by leedsmikey 6

The Perfect Day for Her:
8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants 9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, prim before the mirror
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:30 Make love
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

2007-01-15 23:47:38 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

On route 71X buses start from the Green Man at Ilworth and ply backwards and forwards between that hostelry and the Shabby Tiger at Plugstead. There are 11 buses on this route; each, on arriving at either terminus, waits for one minute and then begins the return journey.
Mr. Brightly, a bus driver from the provinces, boarded a bus at the Green Man the other day and rode all the way to the Shabby Tiger, making a note everytime he passed a 71X bus. He passed one (so he calculated) every 1,320 meters, and estimated their average speed at 15kph.
How many buses did he pass en route?

2007-01-15 23:15:17 · 15 answers · asked by enigma 1

i just want to know the truth ? help me out

2007-01-15 23:09:35 · 7 answers · asked by timpa 1

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER
FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. " I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."


A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED
HER PALM OF HER HAND TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."


THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED
SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BUTT. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID........."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...

I'M GETTING A FAX!!"

2007-01-15 23:03:44 · 28 answers · asked by Pinki 2

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile..... somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached Safely
Date: 17th January, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones. I've just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was .........

2007-01-15 22:43:17 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Einstein wrote this riddle last century and said that 98% of the world’s population would not be able to solve it.

http://www.woodward.cl/engeinsteinsriddle.htm

It took me 12 min to solve it and if you don't mind tell me your time (if you could solve it)

2007-01-15 22:41:24 · 13 answers · asked by Psycho 2

Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?

A: In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote.

Q: How will history remember Bill Clinton?

A: The President after Bush.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?

A: One tries to hxump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab.

Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?

A: "Don't hit your head on the desk."

Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's Day?

A: All pants half off.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common?

A: They both blew the big one several times.

Q: What was the first thing Monica saw in government?

A: The Executive Branch.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common?

A: They both have slots which say "Insert Bill" here."

2007-01-15 22:22:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:

You're a Siamese twin and your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay and you are not. But you only have the one axshole.

Feel better?

2007-01-15 22:15:02 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a round peg fits into a round hole, and a square peg fits into a square hole, then why isn't the end of a pxnis shaped like an axe?

2007-01-15 22:11:12 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Her ankles swell up when she farts.

2007-01-15 22:02:50 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-15 21:35:26 · 2 answers · asked by pat d 1

2007-01-15 21:30:01 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

i really want to know because my mexican friend is always making fun of my because im a white boy and i cant find anything to say back lol.
im such a lame ***..

2007-01-15 21:26:17 · 16 answers · asked by fhilipinocake 1

2007-01-15 21:09:28 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

can you name the game and the spaces in blank?? HAHA
[the only reason I made this, is for the fans, to make them remember the good times hahaha]

"You look like a bear wearing a marshmallow!"
a) _ _ _ _ _ to b)_ _ _ _ _ _

"Sit down in your god damn chair and drink for god damn tea"
c) _ _ _ to everyone

2007-01-15 21:00:23 · 3 answers · asked by A0Dki11z 2

answer my first question

2007-01-15 20:49:06 · 15 answers · asked by neelshahbombay888 1

.

1. If I have to pause to remove a pxbic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

2. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

3. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. .

4. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

5. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

6. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

7. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

2007-01-15 20:40:10 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahhhh, it's cute.

3. Why don't we just cuddle?

4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

5. Make it dance.

6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?

7. Wow, and your feet are so big.

8. It's OK, we'll work around it.

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no... a flash headache.

11. (giggle and point)

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this won't take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. It looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. If you get me real drunk first.

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

28. Does it come with an air pump?

29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'

2007-01-15 20:10:17 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

Rules that guys wished girls knew..........

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil.

26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

41. Anyone can buy condoms.

2007-01-15 20:05:45 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

in persil thre is happy feet in malta thay
do not have it yet from were can i bye
it from iwaht it ho cants persil in malta

can you tell me tahkes

2007-01-15 20:02:20 · 10 answers · asked by malta marilou 2

2007-01-15 20:01:06 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did God give men pxnises?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shxt out of you.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.

Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.

What are the small bumps around a woman's' nxpples for?
Its Braille for "suck here".

Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
Her navel.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
Lipstick.

2007-01-15 19:59:59 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-15 19:58:37 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-15 19:57:40 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well, Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish:

"I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold.

Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "It's the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. "You have one more wish, what will you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful, and handsome young man."

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke. "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?

2007-01-15 19:54:05 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Halo of water, tongue of wood,
skin of stone, long I've stood
My fingers short reach to the sky,
inside my heart men live and die

what am i?

2007-01-15 19:50:18 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

My class was watching Saving Private Ryan during history in the lecture hall. During, the beginning of the movie when there was utter silence, my friend sputted out loud " Saving Ryan's Private!!!!"... LOL.... I had a good laugh...

2007-01-15 19:49:36 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never Be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There's a clock on the oven!

Why do men pass gas more than women do? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...wedding cake

2007-01-15 19:46:02 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Was asked the names of her 10 children. "Theyre all called Tracey".
Why?" asked the reporter.
"Well" said mum."If I want one of them I just shout Tracey, tea time or Tracey, bedtime and they all come".
"But what if you want a particular one" asked the reporter.
"Oh thats easy" said mum.
"I use their surnames"

2007-01-15 19:11:28 · 19 answers · asked by leedsmikey 6