Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."

The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"

Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"

She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"

She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"

The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You''ve just got a broken index finger."

2007-01-15 15:52:14 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
2.Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
3.Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
4.Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
5.Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
6.If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
7. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
8.If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why can't he just dinner?
9.If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
10.Why do they call it asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere and hemorrhoid when it's in your ***?
11.Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

2007-01-15 15:34:14 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

sometimes i get bored while i'm here and i waz just wondering if any body else did!{this is/could be a joke!}

2007-01-15 15:12:32 · 9 answers · asked by mikea 1

2007-01-15 15:05:58 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

It wasn't funny at the time, but I guess now 2 years later I can find a little humor in this.

My family used to have a house by the countryside...one day I accidentally stepped on fire ants, and they started crawling through all my clothes. I had to strip EVERYTHING off, and run about a mile back to my house!

Thankfully nobody was there to see this (i am very SHY), but it was in BROAD DAYLIGHT and there was a road right behind me that nobody ever used.

If you had been driving down that road that afternoon and saw me running back to my house...in the alltogether...and knew i was okay, what would you say or do to make me BLUSH the most?

2007-01-15 14:39:57 · 13 answers · asked by Bob D 1

If your flamable and have legs?

2007-01-15 14:26:51 · 16 answers · asked by Parercut Faint 7

2007-01-15 14:26:45 · 8 answers · asked by prometida 3

I quotes I made up.

"You can't rape the willing............... unless they're underage."
-me

"What? Girls don't like sex......... I saving myself for marriage and even then I won't put out."
-me again

2007-01-15 14:26:39 · 15 answers · asked by foxmoon 2

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland turned to the priest beside her and said "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

The priest replied "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer somewhat strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter,

2007-01-15 14:25:50 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay...there are 4 people on a plane, a boyscout, and old priest, a piliot and Hilary Clinton. The piliot comes out and says the plane is going to crash we have 3 parachutes. So the piliot takes a parachute and jumps. Then Hilary Clinton says, "Well i am the smartest lady in the world, I deserve a parachute" So she takes one and jumps. then the priest says to the boy scout,"I am old and lived a long good life, you are young you have a whole future ahead of you. You take the parachute" Then the boy scout said,"It is okay you can come too. hilary took my backpack not a parachute"

2007-01-15 14:18:46 · 15 answers · asked by soccerkam93 2

the host of the mangeant, dj big boy, didnt he at one time weigh like 500 pounds?

2007-01-15 14:15:23 · 6 answers · asked by blue 4

Okay...so there is a british dude, a mexican dude, and an amercian dude in a hot air balloon. So the balloon is to heavy so the British dude throwns his tea set overboard and says"I do not need that we have a ton in my country" The mexican throwns over like 20 tacos and says"I do not need that we have a ton in my country" Then the amerian throws over the mexican and says "I do not need that we have a ton of those in my country"

2007-01-15 14:14:34 · 12 answers · asked by soccerkam93 2

its hotter than a fat chicks thighs in a valor jogging suit

2007-01-15 14:08:18 · 12 answers · asked by Mr H 1

TO RULE THE WORLD!

I started a new comic book series. It's about a little girl who wants to rule the world. She has a pet kitten who is the reincarnation of Adolf Hitler. She calls it Kitler.

I thought the story would be cute.

2007-01-15 14:07:14 · 10 answers · asked by foxmoon 2

A six year old girl is sitting in class when the teacher comes in with a diagram of a whale and says "It is physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being. A whales throat is not large enough."
The little girl stands up and asks "What about Jonah? He was swallowed by a whale and lived inside it for three days and three nights."
The teacher replied "Thats a wives tale. You shouldn't believe anything in the bible."
The little girl then says "Well, when I get to heaven, I'll ask Jonah myself!"
The teacher starts to lose his patience with the little girl and asks "Since you believe so much in the bible, what if Jonah went to Hell?
The little girl thinks for a second then replies "Than you can ask him!"

2007-01-15 13:50:48 · 30 answers · asked by random 2

NEED HELP ON THIS RIDDLE

2007-01-15 13:44:55 · 8 answers · asked by Lisa B 1

There were British tourists, on a plane, along with American tourists. The plane crashed. Where were the survivors buried?

2007-01-15 13:37:00 · 25 answers · asked by Cookie 1

1) Warped Wiseman Wonders: If time is money, can I get a refund?
2) "I am not going to sheer the sheep!" Tom said sheepishly.

-------------------------Riddle Time!-------------------------------------------
It's more powerful than God.
It's more evil than the devil.
The poor have it.
The rich need it.
If you eat it, you'll die.
What am I?

The paragraph below is most unusual. How quickly can you find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so ordinary you'd think nothing was wrong with it - and in fact, nothing is wrong with it. It is unusual though. Why?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Gatsby was walking back from a visit down in Branton Hill's manufacturing district on a Saturday night. A busy day's traffic had had its noisy run; and with not many folks in sight, His Honor got along without having to stop to grasp a hand, or talk; for a mayor out of City Hall is a shining mark for any politician. And so, coming ...

2007-01-15 13:21:02 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

littel jhony was in a meat tasting contest and the teacher gave him some beef and jhonny says thats beef then she gives him some turke and he said that turkey. then she gave him some deer meet and he said i dont know what that is. the teacher said its what ur mom calls ur dad every mornig. then a girl stood up and said spit it out jhoony ur eating a asshole.

2007-01-15 13:20:41 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

1=a 2=b 3=c 4=d 5=e 6=f 7=g 8=h 9=i 10=j 11=k 12=l 13=m 14=n 15= o 16=p 17=q 18=r 19=s 20=t 21=u 22=v 23=x 24=y 25=z
First person who gets the code right, and notices that there is something wrong in the letters above^^^ gets the best answer! Good Luck!

24,15,21 1,18,5 20,8,5 6,9,18,19,20, 16,5,18,15,14, 20,15,
7,21,5,19,19

2007-01-15 13:11:47 · 15 answers · asked by Wheels 2

Ole Beaudreaux died and St Peter sent him to dah devil.. Dah devil turn de heat up cause Ole' never be much for church and got a lot of sins. Dah Devil go to Ole' Beaudreaux and say Hey You Crazy Cajun how you like dah heat.

Ole Beaudreaux Man it feels like Bayou Teche in dah Summer time. So dah devil turn dah heat up some mo and say Beaudreaux how you like dah heat now. Ole Beaudreaux Man it feels like Bayou LeCompte in July. So dah devil turn dah heat up some mo and say Beaudreaux you crazy Cajun How you like dah Heat Now. And Ole' Beaudreaux say Man it feel like Bourbon Street in August.

So dat crafty Ole' Devil turn the temp down to -10 below. He find Beaudreaux frost bitten and shivering and say You Crazy Cajun....You Happy Now. Ole' Beaudreaux say Heill Yeah I Happy Now. Dah Saints done won Dah SUPER BOWL.

2007-01-15 13:01:03 · 9 answers · asked by Ted 2

Many students are sitting in their classroom.
The teacher then gets up and says "The word of the day is fascinate, I would like everyone to use this word correctly in a sentence".
One kid gets up and says "I say a meteor shower last night and I was fascinated"
The teacher replies "Thats close, but the word is fascinate, not fascinated"
Another kid gets up and says "I saw that meteor shower, it was fascinating"
Then the teacher replied "thats close, but like I said, the word of the day is fascinate, not fascinating"
Finally little Johnny gets up and says "Teacher, I know this girl who has a dress with ten buttons, but her rack is so big she can only fascinate"

2007-01-15 12:56:20 · 13 answers · asked by random 2

"Are you taking any prescriptions?"No answers the gassy guy
The doctor asks to be excused and leaves the examining room.
after a few minutes the doctor returns with an eight foot wooden pole with a metal hook on the end of it.
The patient starts too sweat and shake and nervously asks the doctor what he intends to do with that?
The doctor replies calmly
"I'm going to open up some windows in here"
Is this funny?Do you think this joke is offensive?
10 points to the best answer!

2007-01-15 12:52:13 · 9 answers · asked by Mark K 6

A black guy was driving from Florida to Texas...dont ask me why....but anyway his car breaks down in Alabama in the middle of the night. So he calls AAA to have someone come out and tow him to a repair shop. An hour goes by and still no triple A. Well he calls them back and is like....can you please send them quick. The lady on the other line goes...Sir just calm down triple A will be there shortly.

The black guy goes...it is not triple A I am worried about it is triple K!

Scale 1-10 how funny???

2007-01-15 12:49:45 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

the word as a cuss word?

2007-01-15 12:41:37 · 11 answers · asked by Boo Boo 1

topic

2007-01-15 12:40:58 · 6 answers · asked by wtrby94evr 2

"How many Men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?"

Well in all my 17 years of life i can honestly say "I have never done it" :)

funniest answer gets 10 points :)

2007-01-15 12:35:15 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is so fragile that when you say its name you break it?

2007-01-15 12:32:20 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

I cannot convict you for the crime you have commited, even though i saw you do it, the jury saw you do it, and everybody KNOWS you did it. The evidence is 100 percent aganst you, yet i am forced to let you go.
Why can the judge not convict him

2007-01-15 12:30:12 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here's a little riddle that might make you laugh!

If you dip it in, it starts.
The more you leave it in, the better it gets.
If you take it out, it will come out dripping.
If you drink it, it will be taste very good.
What am I?

This is hard and funny...

2007-01-15 12:28:23 · 11 answers · asked by ♥Chamillitary Amberleé♥ 5