Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - -
("com-for-da-bul" )

2007-01-15 06:14:59 · 11 answers · asked by Guilty innocence 4

mine is 8

2007-01-15 06:08:26 · 6 answers · asked by sara s 3

I think im turning into a moth...!"..........."Well it's not me you should be talking to it's a psychiatrist..!" "Well I saw your light on so I thought i'd just nip in.."

2007-01-15 05:56:06 · 13 answers · asked by dynamo 1

I used to be a lifeguard...but some blue kid got me fired

2007-01-15 05:55:55 · 13 answers · asked by man with the golden gun 4

3 guys decide to test drive V12 benz and they are going as fast as they can when this guy in a back seat says he need to take a ****. Driver and a passenger beg him to hold it but he gets annoyng about this whole emergency. So they like aight why dont you stick your butt our of the window and take a ****. Ok and thats what he did while at the same time they have these two guys driving behind them. Both of them really high and driving car with no roof, just chilling....when one of them get hit by a major shyt. So he whipes his face of this brown substance looks over to another guy and says...."wow did you see how much he spit?" and other guy looks back at him in shock and says" Nah but did you see them lips?!!!" LOL

2007-01-15 05:51:00 · 11 answers · asked by BK thang 5

haven’t you seen a horse serving drinks before?” “It’s not that,” the man says. “I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

2007-01-15 05:50:28 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

QUASIMODO......I have a hunch hes back!

2007-01-15 05:44:41 · 12 answers · asked by man with the golden gun 4

2007-01-15 05:39:32 · 6 answers · asked by troxie79 3

Dennis Rodman is strutting along the beach, finds a bottle and picks it up... Suddenly a female genie appears from the bottle. "Master, may I grant you one wish?" asks the genie with a smile. "Hey, Witch ... don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman givin me nuttin!" barks Rodman.

The genie pleads, "But Master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."

Dennis thinks a moment... then mumbling about the inconvenience of it all, he says "OK, OK...I wanna wake up with 3 women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" (giving the genie an evil glare). "Now leave me alone!" he screams as he walks off.

So the annoyed genie says "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle. Next morning, Dennis Rodman wakes up and finds Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton in his bed.



His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance.

2007-01-15 05:36:57 · 2 answers · asked by nerdalicious_87 1

pair of stockings and suspenders. He says "When did you start wearing them?" To which the other man replies "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."

2007-01-15 05:34:16 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fuckin potatoes!"

2007-01-15 05:32:47 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-15 05:25:20 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses"

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you".

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with meatballs, two without."

2007-01-15 05:25:07 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.
Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began to sniff.

The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

"Why, yes, I do," he replied.

"What does it smell like?"

"Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone **** in a pine tree."

2007-01-15 05:20:45 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

a boxer goes to the doctors complaining that he cannot sleep,the doctor asks have you tried counting sheep ? yes says the boxer but every time i get to 9 i get back up again.

2007-01-15 05:17:06 · 7 answers · asked by essexgirllover 1

Items Needed :
Mint
Candy Kiss
Tea Bag
Eraser
Rubber Band
Toothpick
Chewing Gum
Band Aid
Pencil

Why?????





TOOTHPICK - to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others. -

RUBBER BAND - to remind you to be flexible. Things might not always go the way you want, but it will work out. -

BAND AID - to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's. -
PENCIL - to remind you to list your blessings everyday. -

ERASER - To remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it's okay. -

CHEWING GUM - to remind you to stick with it, and you can accomplish anything. -

MINT - to remind you that you are worth a mint. -

CANDY KISS - to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug everyday. -
TEA BAG - to remind you to relax daily and go over your list of blessings. -

2007-01-15 05:04:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-15 05:02:02 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-15 04:56:49 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the a-s are interchangeable.

2007-01-15 04:54:03 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why! The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :

Psycho-
the-
rapist.

2007-01-15 04:51:31 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately
take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming
outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed
and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool
swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his
direction.

He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket,
which lay on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front
of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward
and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said, 'You know,
I have a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible,' said the embarrassed man, 'You really know
what I'm thinking?'

'Yes,' the lady replied, 'I know that you think that the bucket
you're holding has a bottom in it.'

2007-01-15 04:51:01 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

later and later (and now even my bill has gone down ) the other half says its the going rate ! what does she mean???

2007-01-15 04:49:12 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most
difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is
hard. Well, you know how she is."

"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that
she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and
you begged me not to marry her."

"You were perfectly right."

"You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from
the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:

"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

2007-01-15 04:48:04 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three playing cards in a row. Can you name them with these clues?
There is a two to the right of a king.
A diamond will be found to the left of a spade.
An ace is to the left of a heart.
A heart is to the left of a spade.
Now, identify all three cards.

Try to solve it by yourself but if ya need tha answer, email me at jibbsboo@yahoo.com . But you will only get tha best answer if you add an explanation to the answer [I've] given you.

2007-01-15 04:46:10 · 7 answers · asked by Jibbs Boo 2

2007-01-15 04:36:02 · 27 answers · asked by Rose 1

So the teacher has a talk with his mother after school about it. Mom says she is gonna be out of town this week end but maybe his degenerate gambling father can help.
Monday rolls around and the teacher is quizing the class. Amy 1 2 3 Billy 4 5 6 Becky 7 8 9. Now Johnny is waving his hand wildly. The teacher sighs and says OK Johnny what is next
Johnny says 10 real proud
Teacher is amazed and urges him to continue
Johnny continues Jack Queen King

2007-01-15 04:35:54 · 7 answers · asked by mangoretheogre 2

Play a song for me..... Who am I ??

2007-01-15 04:31:23 · 2 answers · asked by Bobbi 5

Does anyone find it strange that when you talk to God its called Praying. But when God Talks to you its called paranoid schizophrenia?

2007-01-15 04:24:25 · 5 answers · asked by zed10096 1

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side " When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. "I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that".
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were

2007-01-15 04:23:18 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

like it guesses what your thinking or guess what your name is or how old you are does anybody know?

2007-01-15 03:59:57 · 4 answers · asked by Musicmaker2727 2