Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

2007-01-15 00:59:54 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

"You've done really well to get this far Pat" Chris Tarrant says, "the next question is worth £125,000 if you decide to play. Are you ready?"

"Sure" Pat nods.

"On screen is a photograph of a current Manchester United player as a small baby." the quizmaster continues, "The question is Pat, and don't forget this is for £125,000, which player is it?"

Pat looks at the picture on screen for a while and says "I'm pretty sure it's Ruud Van Nistelroy... No, I'm sure it is... Can I phone a friend just to check?"

"OK" says Chris Tarrant, "Who are going to phone?"

Pat answers and pretty soon the phone is ringing and his best friend Mick picks up at the other end. Chris Tarrant explains the situation to Mick and Pat asks him the same question.

Without any hesitation Mick replies "No, that's definately Paul Scholes "

Pat looks concerned now "Are you sure Mick, I'm convinced that it's Ruud Van Nistelroy?"

"Definately" Mick replies.

"Well" the quizmaster continues, "You've used your lifeline, now I need your answer"

"OK" says Pat, looking nervous now, "But I'm sure it's Ruud Van Nistelroy, that's my final answer... Ruud Van Nistelroy."

"You had £64,000 Pat, If you're right you win £125,000, if you're wrong you leave us with £32,000."
There's a tense drum roll and the music dips before Chris Tarrant speaks again

"Sorry Pat, you were wrong. Never mind, you've been a great contestant and you've won £32,000. Here's your cheque and thanks for playing."

As the audience start to applaud Pat asks, "What was the correct answer Chris, it's killing me!"

Chris Tarrant replies, "Louis Saha."

2007-01-15 00:48:44 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

heres a box in the dark woods no holes or cracks but light in it no seams or any thing how is this possible

2007-01-15 00:43:38 · 7 answers · asked by apollyon_vetis 1

Why shouldn't you knock a Chav over when they're on a bike?



It might be your bike!

2007-01-15 00:33:48 · 12 answers · asked by agius1520 6

Early one morning little lad run into his perants bedroom, and see his mummy sitting on his daddie making love, he then run out of the room and mum get dressed and run after him to explain,she tell him that as daddie has a big tummy she was jumping up and down to get rid of it,the little lad then says "Dont know why you are bothering because whan you go out the lady next door comes round and blow it up again"

2007-01-15 00:33:40 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

alright so a red head a brunnette and a blonde all trespass on a farmers land so the the farmer says"take 100 of any of my fruits and shove them up your butt without making a noise or ill kill you" so the red head choses cherries she gets to 99 and then bursts out laughing so the farmer killed her and the brunette chose blue berrys gets to 99 then burst out laughing so the farmer kills her when they get to heavean st.peter says"why were you laughing?" they both say "the blonde was using watermelons" funny wasn't it

2007-01-15 00:18:40 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

answer my first question

2007-01-14 23:47:39 · 27 answers · asked by neelshahbombay888 1

this guy works in a pickling factory,and one day tells his wife that he has a fetish to put his Penis in the Gurkin slicer, Dont you dare she replied. A few days later the guy returned home early,What are you doing home asked the wife,I done what i said i was going to do put my penis in the gurkin slicer and was given the sack,oh no replied the wife is the gurkin slicer ok, No she got the sack as well.

2007-01-14 23:46:29 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi
and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.

What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to
the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzos."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they
send us a complete dick ".

2007-01-14 23:22:29 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 men(bob, jack, steve) were stealing in a bank and were killed in an encounter.
just after they died, jesus descended earth and told 'em
Jesus: i'd give you back your lives if you do what i say.
they all accepted.

jesus teleported them in a supermarket and told them to steal anything and bring it back to him.

bob came first and he brought grapes.
jesus told him that if he succeeded to put that grapes in his @$$ and would do any gesture on his face, he would get back his life.
Bob pushed the grapes inside but he made a slight gesture.
so jesus send him to hell.

then came jack. jack brought an apple.
jesus told him to do the same thing he said to Bob.
jack didn't made any gesture but in the end he laughed.
jesus told him that you must go to hell coz you made a gesture in the end.
Jesus: but before going tell me why you laughed??
Jack replied:________________________


you one who gives the funniest answer will get 10 points

2007-01-14 23:20:46 · 12 answers · asked by Arnaq 5

Can anybody tell me the nane of the village in Midsumers Murders where everybody get murded

2007-01-14 23:17:32 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

you've problly heard this 1 b4 but ill let u suffer
ok in the middle of class a kid comes in late the teacher says "where have u been young man?" the kid replies"on top of blueberry hill" the next day another kid comes in late"where have you been" the kid replies"on top of blueberry hill" then the day after that a girl comes into the class late and the teacher says"who are you?" the girl replies"im blueberry hill"


funny no?

2007-01-14 23:11:06 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three ducks got arrested and appeared before a judge. The judge asked the first duck "Whats your name?" “Quack” replied the duck. "And what did you get arrested for?"
“Blowing bubbles in the pond.”

The second duck comes before the judge and is asked "Whats your name?" “Quack Quack” replies the duck. "And what did you get arrested for?"
“Blowing bubbles in the pond.”

The third duck appears before the judge and the judge says "I know, I bet your name is Quack Quack Quack"

"Why no," the duck replies. "My name is Bubbles!"

Keep smilin'.

2007-01-14 22:59:27 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

it's not as simple as you think
Clue - I used it as a tuant to someone

Your as brown as can be
a smelly turd is what I see
you came from an asshole
and it's your goal
to be flushed down the toilet bowl
because you smell you smell oh well
the whole world can tell
from that awful smell
your a turd.

2007-01-14 22:43:23 · 9 answers · asked by jimineejavaa 3

2007-01-14 22:26:46 · 13 answers · asked by Spoiled Princess 2

Jim is fed up of paying through the nose for parking his car as he works in London.His friend Ahmed suggests a camel,cheap, obedient and faithful. Jim takes his advice and for the first few days everything went fine,he tied his camel up outside his office in the morning and rode it home in the evening.One day he came out and the camel was GONE,vanished.He looked around then went to report it to the police.
"You wish to report a stolen WHAT? Riight...er let's take a few details..
Colour?.....Brown. Humps?.....one. Sex?.....Er.. I don't really know .
"Well Sir I suggest you go home and think about it and let us know if you find out."
As Jim is walking out of the police station he remembers something and turns back.
" I remember now" he said " It's a female!"
"Oo..kk...what makes you think that?"
Well yesterday as I was riding through the street I heard one man say to his mate:-

"Look at the soft cu*t on that camel"

2007-01-14 22:19:30 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

......and had beed decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails! Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however, was wearing expensive underwear and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing they made their way home.
The nexty day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said "These damn girls nights out have to stop, my wife came home last night with no knickers on." "that's nothing", said the other," mine came back with a card stuck between her ar*e cheeks that said "from all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!"

2007-01-14 22:09:17 · 17 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

Is this a good pick up line?

You are the corn to my dookie... for I wouldn't be complete without you!

2007-01-14 21:35:11 · 10 answers · asked by bendabomb85 2

2007-01-14 21:25:30 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

How much wood would a wood peck peck if a wood peck couuld peck wood?

2007-01-14 21:23:29 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I got this 'joke' as an answer to one of my questions.

What would you get if you crossed an elephant and a rhino... "ele-if-rhi-no"

Can anyone do any worse?

2007-01-14 21:03:17 · 29 answers · asked by footynutguy 4

1. "Tell me, how does it feel to live in a constant haze of stupidity"

2. "Ugly people shouldn't be allowed to smile that much"

3. "Is it just these pants, or did you really get a nice ***"?

4. "Waking up from the smell of alcohol... Can't help but feel a touch of home"

2007-01-14 20:56:28 · 10 answers · asked by harleyquinn_clown 1

What would happen if you were scared half to death twice?

2007-01-14 20:42:53 · 14 answers · asked by Daddy's Girl 2

2007-01-14 20:23:21 · 42 answers · asked by Anonymous

The doctor reckoned it was a touch of cholera.

2007-01-14 20:17:23 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very old man in a nursing home is talking to a friend, and he makes this
statment:

I have a daughter named Lucy, and she's very dear to me.
Not only is she my daughter, but she's my granddaughter, you see.
There's one other thing that I must confess to you.
She's also my great grand-daughter, and I swear that this is true.
Yes, Lucy is all three things, and not just "by marriage" or "figuritively".
I mean by blood relation... although you may now think less of me.

Is it possible that this man's claim is entirely true? If so, please explain
how it could be so.

BTW I already know the answer. This is just a challenge to see if anyone else can get it : )

2007-01-14 19:34:28 · 20 answers · asked by T B 2

You my friend are a(n) _________?

Fill in the blank.

2007-01-14 19:21:38 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

It wasn't funny at the time, but I guess now 2 years later I can find a little humor in this.

My family used to have a house by the countryside...one day I accidentally stepped on fire ants, and they started crawling through all my clothes. I had to strip EVERYTHING off, and run about a mile back to my house!

Thankfully nobody was there to see this (i am very SHY), but it was in BROAD DAYLIGHT and there was a road right behind me that nobody ever used.

If you had been driving down that road that afternoon and saw me running back to my house...in the alltogether...and knew i was okay, what would you say or do to make me BLUSH the most?

2007-01-14 19:18:28 · 15 answers · asked by Bob D 1

T...M
A...U
H...S
W..T

2007-01-14 19:06:13 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is there a good way for deaf people to find a match?

2007-01-14 18:53:20 · 10 answers · asked by lovelydeaf 1