Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

post ur answer, remeber, tis is not a riddle, example: a condom and WD40 oil

2007-01-14 14:08:20 · 27 answers · asked by cj 1

He wanted to come out of his shell.

2007-01-14 13:52:45 · 16 answers · asked by Dr Know It All 5

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

2007-01-14 13:46:31 · 12 answers · asked by ♥michele♥ 7

2007-01-14 13:43:36 · 29 answers · asked by Teddy Bear 4

I bet you say that to all the boys. Who am I?

2007-01-14 13:27:26 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

First one to correctly answer this riddle gets the 10 points.
What God never sees, what the Queen seldom sees, but what we see everyday. What am I ? Good luck!

2007-01-14 13:25:52 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and woman get married, and neither had had sex before that. On their honeymoon, before they begin doing what newlyweds do, the man says, "Before we start, honey, I have to warn you: I'm like a baby down there."

But the woman said, "Nonsense, I'll still love you."

So she takes off his pants and screams at what she sees. "I thought you said you were like a baby down there!" she said.

"I am," he replied. "8 lbs. 7 oz., 22 inches..."

2007-01-14 13:24:54 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing?". The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes". The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes. The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?". Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa".

2007-01-14 13:19:53 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Its for school thanks luvs

2007-01-14 13:14:27 · 4 answers · asked by Gio 2

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the ***** in the kitchen."

2007-01-14 13:08:04 · 14 answers · asked by undeniablesmile 2

2007-01-14 13:04:39 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-14 13:03:29 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Mailman noticed that "Mr.Walter" hadnt been getting his mail out of the box, so he went in to check on him. thats when he found Mr.Walter hanging from a rafter above a puddle of water. The police came in and saw that there were no chairs or anything for Mr.Walter to stand on so they arrested the mailman on murder. They then brought in a detective to confirm it. As soon as the detective walked in, he ruled the death as a suicide. How did he know? and how did mr.Walter do it?

2007-01-14 12:56:53 · 7 answers · asked by cj 1

I didn't really mean to do it...it just sort of happened. But now I don't know what to do. OK, so here's what happened...

You know that little tag on the bed that says, "Do not remove under penalty of law". Well, I sort of removed it....Now I don't know what's gonna happen to me!!

How much time do i have to serve for something like this? Does anyone have any suggestions about what I should do now?!?!?!

Please, someone, HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks, ~Katie~

2007-01-14 12:55:09 · 17 answers · asked by ♥femme fatale♥ 2

2007-01-14 12:51:16 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.

"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.

A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.

"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.

A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."

2007-01-14 12:46:33 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

My friend Sarah says all I would have left is my t-shirt, underwear and my sign.

What would I be left with?

2007-01-14 12:45:48 · 15 answers · asked by joeyh89023334 1

A woman was pregnant with triplets. One day she decided to go for a walk when she was shot in the stomach.

The Doctor said the children would be fine but they would each have a bullet inside them.

It was sixteen years later when one of her girls came down and said that when she had a sh'it she found a bullet so the mum explained the story.

A bit later her second daughter came down and said when she went for a pi,ss she found a bullet, so for the second time she explained the story.

All of a sudden her son came down in a right state. His mum turned around and said "Don't tell me: you went to the toilet and found a bullet".

He then turned back and said "No, I was having a w'ank and I shot the dog!"

2007-01-14 12:33:49 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-14 12:31:07 · 8 answers · asked by just bored 2

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

2007-01-14 12:27:46 · 22 answers · asked by Phil C 3

breath all funky eyeds poped out

2007-01-14 12:13:45 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a barber's shop and asks how many people are waiting to be served. "I've got three cuts and a shave booked this morning," replies the barber. The man leaves but comes back the next day. "How many are waiting today?" he asks.
"I've got two cuts, a dye-job and a shave." replied the barber.
Next day the man is back with the same question, and the barber talls him, "Four cuts and a wash."
This goes on for weeks until the barber gets suspicious - perhaps the man is a rival planning on opening his own barber shop in the area. Perhaps he wants to find out how much business he can expect.
To solve the mystery he gets his assistant to follow the man the next time he drops by.Next day the man comes in, asks the usual question and leaves,this time trailed by the assistant.
When the assistant gets back,the barber says, "Well,who is he? Where did he go?"
The assistant replies,"I don't know who he is,but he seems to be a friend of your wife.He just went round to your house."

2007-01-14 12:10:56 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A.) One WEARS a kilt,....and the other GOT kilt!

2007-01-14 12:08:54 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

walking around in the hot sun,
i taste good when you are having fun,
you often find me at a fair,
watch me,i am too good to share,
when you are hot,
i keep you cool,
i'm in a cone so you,
may eat me by a pool,
i am made of ice,
i come in many flavors that are nice,
and as though it may seem,
my name does not include cream.
what am i?

2007-01-14 12:06:00 · 14 answers · asked by nobody 3

A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the funny blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!
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There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.
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2007-01-14 12:05:44 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
Jill’s now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her a'ss
Now two of his front teeth are missing

Jack and Jill went up the hill
so Jack could lick Jill's fanny.
Jack got a shock
and a mouthful of c0ck
cos Jill's a fuc'kin tranny.

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over Rover took over and gave her a bone of his own

Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was white and whispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now its black and crispy
Mary 'ad a little pig
She couldn't stop it gruntin'
She took it down the garden path
And kicked its fuc'king cu*t in!!!!!

My friend Billy
Had a ten foot willy,
He showed it to the girl next door.
She thought it was a snake
And hit it with a rake
And now its only 4 ft 4.

2007-01-14 12:01:25 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

2007-01-14 12:01:04 · 21 answers · asked by Phil C 3

A.) Well,..... BOTH are Heavily involved in a Whole LOT of DIRTY WORK!!!!

2007-01-14 11:58:04 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-14 11:54:06 · 2 answers · asked by Yeeeeezzzzz 1

two blonds walk into a building
you think one of them would of seen it

2007-01-14 11:53:26 · 7 answers · asked by randyjuggalo 2