Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well it was like this said the man.” I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough there was my wifes golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cows butt. Thats when I made my mistake. “

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey this looks like yours!”

2007-01-14 08:33:36 · 9 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

In my crazy existence, divorce comes before marriage, children before parents, baptism before birth, and death before life.
What am I ?

2007-01-14 08:32:10 · 2 answers · asked by Richard Serenity 4

what do u call a rhino that drinks too much?
A whino!!!!

2007-01-14 08:24:39 · 25 answers · asked by DAVID H 1

A mother and daughter were riding in a cab though New York City daughter noticed some scantily clad women loitering on a street "Mommy," the little girl asked, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to come home from work." the mother answered.

"C'mon lady, they're hookers!" retorted the cab driver.

After a stunned silence, the daughter asked, "Mommy, do hookers have children?"

"Of course," the mother replied, "where do you think cabbies come from?"

2007-01-14 08:15:38 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"


Here's an update for you.....


Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize its not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

2007-01-14 08:12:59 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are two women having a game of golf one day but they are holding up two other men Owen & Ben behind them by taking their time putting and aiming for the holes.

Then Ben says to Owen, "I think I am going to go ask them if they don't mind stepping out the way so we can play our shot and move on to the next hole".

So Ben comes within 10 feet of the women and decides he can't do it, so he walks back to Owen.

What is the problem , asks Owen.

Ben says “Hey man, ones my wife, the others my mistress; so no way!”

So brave Owen decides he will do the honors. So he walks over to the women and turns straight back toward Ben.

Ben asks, What is the problem?, Owen says, "Sometimes I wonder what a small world we live in, after all..."

2007-01-14 08:09:59 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-14 08:08:19 · 1 answers · asked by Lizzie 1

and says :

'How much for my company ma'am?'

$5 says the prostitute as a special just for you.

General Custar says : 'Company.....Ho!!!

2007-01-14 08:08:17 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman walks into a bar wearing a short mini skirt and orders a Coors, the bar tender gives her the beer, she drinks it as fast as possible and passes out falls off the bar stool, legs wide open and the 5 guys in the bar all have there turn with her until she wakes up and walks out. the next day the same thing happens only there were 5 more guys and they all did what they wanted with her when she passed out till she woke up and left. The next day she walks into the bar and there's at least 20 guys, so she goes to the bar tender who is waiting with her Coors and she says "I'll have a Bud" and the bar tender says I though you drank Coors. she says I did but that damn Coors makes my p---y hurt.

2007-01-14 07:58:25 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

2007-01-14 07:56:09 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm.
He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out!
He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it

There are three morals to this story:

1. Not everyone who gets you into s--t is your enemy

2. Not everyone who gets you out of s--t is your friend

3. If you are in s--t, keep your mouth shut

2007-01-14 07:54:40 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea and the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet. The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine." The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for?" Finally, the guy says "All right" and hands over the fifteen dollars. The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" The cage starts shaking and feathers come flying out. The vet says, “What the?” and runs across the room and opens the curtain. The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he's pulling out all her feathers. He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you NAKED!!

2007-01-14 07:54:01 · 15 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

2007-01-14 07:21:33 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

an umbrella

2007-01-14 07:20:19 · 6 answers · asked by mrsjohnsonforlife 2

dinner and play nursemaid to me. I declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her. "Okay honey", she told me, "Will wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest ofour lives making each other sick!"

2007-01-14 07:13:37 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman guest approaches the bar in a small restaurant.

She calls the guy at the bar and when he is standing in front of her, she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the desk and starts to caress his beard. 'Are you the owner of this place?' she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.

'Ehhh. No. Not at all!' he replies.

'Would you please call him here?' the lady asks and gently touches his hair.

'Oh, I'm very sorry. But no. Impossible!' the man sighs.

'Would you then please do me a great favour?' the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.

'Of course. What ever you wish!' the man moans.

'I want to leave a message for the boss!' she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.

'What message?' he asks with the two fingers in his mouth.

'Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel in the lady's room!'

2007-01-14 07:04:13 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

He notices a picture on the bed-side table, and asks who the picture is of. His friend replies:
"Brothers and sisters, I have none,
but that man's father, is my father's son".
Who's the picture of? 1st correct answer, 10 points.

2007-01-14 06:44:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

2007-01-14 06:43:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-14 06:43:34 · 4 answers · asked by tenchian56 2

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour,
surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she
overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises
his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other.Then
she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, Thank
you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... Are
- my - tests - results - back?

2007-01-14 06:24:46 · 18 answers · asked by raynightporter 3

What is a dry sense of humour, I think I have one.

Would having a dry sense of humour mean that you are into comedies like Curb your Enthusiasm and The office?

2007-01-14 06:24:43 · 10 answers · asked by Rebz 5

One day a red Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a red Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees..for instance your sister is called bright moon rising thats because when she was born i saw a bright moon rising. Why do you ask me this Two Dogs Fuc@ing."

2007-01-14 06:24:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-14 06:21:27 · 20 answers · asked by ? 5

2007-01-14 06:18:09 · 6 answers · asked by Psycho 2

an the slugs, attracted to the beer climb in and drown
I tried it but the singing kept me awake all night!

2007-01-14 06:14:48 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can a 'Loaded Question' kill you?

2007-01-14 06:14:34 · 11 answers · asked by maddferit 2

and one says to the other ,"Can you pass the soap?" the other one says ,"No soap, Radio!"

2007-01-14 06:13:40 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Does that mean your birth sign will be PYREX?

2007-01-14 06:13:22 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once there was a night watchman who had been caught several times sleeping on the job. The boss issued the final warning. On the next night he was caught with his head on his hand and his elbows on the desk.
"Aha, I've caught you again," exclaimed the boss. The watchman's eyes popped open immediately and he knew what had happened. Being a quick thinking man, he said one word before looking up at the boss. The boss apologized profusely and went home. What was the one word?

2007-01-14 06:09:25 · 11 answers · asked by shark38dd 4

I was told this joke recently, and i don't find it funny at all. The Girl who told it to me insists that it is, and that everybody else she has told it to has found it funny.
so... Q. Why is a woman more intelligent when she has sex?
A. because she is connected to the central computer.
I don't need explainations, or comments, just a simple YES if it is funny, or NO if it isn't. thanks :-)

2007-01-14 06:06:11 · 30 answers · asked by john c 3