Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Guy walks into a bar and orders a drink and piece of chalk. Finishes his drink then before he leaves he draws a line down the middle of the bar and says to the customers on the left of it that they are all wankers and those on the right are all tossers and calmly walks out. Next night he arrives again and again ask for a drink and piece of chalk, finishes his drink and before leaving draws a line down the centre and tells those on the left there all wankers and those on the right all tossers.. One guy says to his mate, i gonna say something if he does that again.. Next night he arrives and orders his drink and piece of chalk.. Drinks his drink and before leaving draws a line down the middle of the bar and points to the right and says, you on this side are all tossers and you on the left are all wankers.. The guy jumps up and shouts, 'hey' i'm not a tosser.. Oh well, in that case get over that side you wanker..

2007-01-14 03:40:33 · 15 answers · asked by maddferit 2

What is a minimum?

2007-01-14 03:39:32 · 20 answers · asked by Jailleftwingers 2

I turn polar bears white and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown and make your champagne bubble.
If you squeez me, I'll pop.
If you look at me you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle??

97% percent of Harvard graduates cannot figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten student were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less.....................

2007-01-14 03:33:52 · 11 answers · asked by *CiTsJuStMe* 4

He preferred Peat to Heather

2007-01-14 03:32:11 · 10 answers · asked by man with the golden gun 4

what did magnus magnasson say when he made afalse start in the marathon.......................



I started so I LL finish

2007-01-14 03:26:28 · 6 answers · asked by kingkong 2

Or maybe its Welshman instead of Irish????

Thanks anyway.....

2007-01-14 02:51:37 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-14 02:49:17 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-14 02:22:23 · 22 answers · asked by Fantastico 2

2007-01-14 02:16:08 · 14 answers · asked by biggal 1

. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all
the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
Self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road
signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "s" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become
disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

2007-01-14 02:12:26 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

There is a man in hospital called george and the nurse comes to see him and says are you allright today he says yes but can I ask you someting are my testicals black see looks under the bed sheet and says no and the doctor comes to see him and the consultont and he asks them the same question and they say no then at nigth when the nurse comes he says are my testicals black she says I cant under stand you put your teeth in so when he puts his teeth in he says are my test results back. does anyone like that joke?

2007-01-14 01:50:22 · 17 answers · asked by philip k 1

2007-01-14 01:42:00 · 16 answers · asked by Richard 7

2007-01-14 01:37:22 · 15 answers · asked by Richard 7

2007-01-14 01:36:34 · 13 answers · asked by Dark Warrior 1

2007-01-14 01:31:47 · 9 answers · asked by Dark Warrior 1

I have a web page dutyfreehusband.com
What should I do to make it come up in a search engine results once you type "duty free husband" or "duftyfreehusband" in the search field?

2007-01-14 01:02:42 · 4 answers · asked by Lenya 1

He wanted to lay it on the line!!!!

2007-01-14 00:59:44 · 13 answers · asked by Jonathan 1

Just got this text:

Brian, just a quick message to wish you and Joan a Happy Easter and all the best for 1982,

From all of us at the Alzhiemers Society.

2007-01-14 00:43:24 · 7 answers · asked by jabelite 3

I was at the cash point the other day when an elderly lady asked me to check her balance,

So I pushed the old b!tch over!

2007-01-14 00:36:50 · 14 answers · asked by jabelite 3

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers ... " I don't weally fink my pet pyfon gives a Fwuk."

2007-01-14 00:29:31 · 14 answers · asked by jabelite 3

God appeared to a man and told him to give up Fags, Drink and Sex if he wants to go to Heaven.

A week later God re-appears and asks him how he's doing?

"The Fags and Drink were easy to give up, But when my wife bent over to get some meat out of the freezerI just couldn't Resist,
I had to give her one there and then!" The man replied.

God said "They don't like that sort of thing in Heaven!"

The man replied " They don't like it in Asda either!"

2007-01-14 00:26:23 · 22 answers · asked by jabelite 3

2007-01-13 23:58:11 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

two nuns driving down the road late at night and a vampire jumps onto the car
''quick show him your cross''says the nun driving
''GET OFF THE EFFING CAR '' says the second nun

what do you call a scottish cloakroom attendant
ANGUS MCOATUP

WHAT IS THE MOST DANGEROUS INSECT IN THE WORLD
THE HEPATITUS BEE

my sister is dating a mushroom harvester,she reckons he is a FUNGI to be with.

and the final one which probably only our uk friends will appreciate

i came home from the pub last night and there was a packet of DAZ on the telly
i said to the wife''what the eff is that doin on the telly''and she replied
''I COULDNT FIND THE AREIL'' HA HA

2007-01-13 23:53:56 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

valuables that could help pay it off? Sometimes, it's best to just be cremated so that they will leave your poor old bones alone!

2007-01-13 23:41:25 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

>
>A RIDDLE THAT'LL KILL YOUR BRAIN!
>
>
>
>This is going to make you so MAD! There are three words in the English
>language that end in "gry". ONE is angry and the other is hungry.
>EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. EveryONE
>uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you
>the third word. What is it? _______gry? Send this to 5 People and the
>answer will pop up on the screen automatically.
>

2007-01-13 23:32:28 · 14 answers · asked by lindy_00_f 1

what do you call a dinosaur with piles ?

2007-01-13 23:29:19 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

She cut off the end of my penis
She said "nothing can now come between us"
I went into shock
And got a new ****
Then studied the transit of Venus

2007-01-13 23:23:05 · 6 answers · asked by Dr Know It All 5

...r
.road
..a
..d

2007-01-13 23:11:11 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-13 22:51:54 · 5 answers · asked by destiny 1

2007-01-13 22:41:42 · 11 answers · asked by Asian Princess 2