Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

if you dont laugh your a hater.

A MAN HAS JUST LOST HIS GIRL AND JOB AND, NEEDLESS TO SAY HAS A REALLY BAD ATTITUDE.

THE MAN WALKS INTO A MCDONALD'S AN TELLS THE GUY " I WANT A BIGMACK! NOT TOO GREASY, NOT TOO DRY. JUST RIGHT, BETWEEN THE GROOVE.

THE MAN THEN SAYS "AND WHILE YOUR AT IT! GET ME A BIG BUNCH OF FRIES. NOT TOO CRISPY, NOT TOO SOFT, JUST RIGHT, BETWEEN THE GROVE.

THE MAN THEEEEN SAYS, "AND WHILE YOUR AT IT!!! THROW IN A BIG FROSTY! NOT TOO THICK, UH UH, NOT TOO THIN, JUST RIGHT, BETWEEN THE GROVE.

SO THE GUY GOES INTO THE KITCHEN AND COMES BACK FIVE MINUTES LATER. HE SAY'S "WELL THE CHEF SAID YOU CAN KISS HIS ***. NOT TOO THE LEFT, NOT TO THE RIGHT, BUT RIGHT, BETWEEN THE GROOVE.

2007-01-13 19:30:16 · 5 answers · asked by PrinceKattJohnnyDepp 2

Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a more downtown location so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district.

A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy, would you like a hand job?"

The bum shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"

A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said, "Hey guys, would you like a b--w job?"

The bums declined. After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been here 10 minutes and we've been offered two jobs already!"

2007-01-13 19:28:25 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

i am obviously one of these people. it is late over here, just wanted to see how many people have nothing else better to do this time of night. why are you still awake?

2007-01-13 19:27:46 · 8 answers · asked by talofa lava 2

ok so this little girl sally has to learn her abcs so she gos to her mother in the kitchen she asks what are the abcs?
her mother sally writes something in her notesshe goes to her dad watching the football game
sally>whats the second letter of the alphabet?
dad>49ers 49ers
sally writes some more she approaches the her bother making hot dogs
sally brother

next day the teacher asks sally yo recite her abcs
sally>not now honey im busy
teacher>come with me and dont say a word
the teacher takes sally down to the princepals office
princepal>how many spankens do you need?
sally>49ers 49ers
ok then
sally sprints out of the princepals office 5 minutes later screaming :
MY BUNS ARE BURNING!!!!!!!!!
MY BUNS ARE BURNING!!!!!!!!!






IS THIS FUNNY?

2007-01-13 19:21:16 · 8 answers · asked by angie 1

A very handsome and confident man walked in to a bar,and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman,he gives he a quick glance, and looks at his watch...

The woman noticed and said " Is your date running late"

No! he replies, I've just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it"

The woman asks "Why is the watch so special"?

"It uses alpha waves and telepathically talks to me" says the man.

"We'll whats it telling you now? she asks

"Well its says your wearing no panties? the man replied.

The woman giggles and say" It must be broken as I am wearing panties?

The man tap's the face of the watch and explains " Damn thing must be an hour fast"......"

2007-01-13 19:19:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

what room has no walls, no ceiling and no floor?

2007-01-13 19:15:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I dance and breathe and can even deceive. I am not alive, yet watch how I thrive. Do not come too near or I will eat you my dear.

What am I?

2007-01-13 19:14:06 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came too close to the car and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop did.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"Huh?" asked the lawyer

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is mising? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer, "MY ROLEX!"

2007-01-13 19:02:03 · 5 answers · asked by sugarscamp 5

Women don't have it and don't want it.
Men get it and think it's a good thing but sometimes they try to get rid of it.

What is it?

2007-01-13 19:01:54 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Superman was kinda bored so he just started flying around looking for something to do. He's flying over Wonder Woman's house and sees her bedroom window is open. He stops for a glimpse and sees her lying on her bed naked. She's lying there and squirming around looking real hot.

Superman was getting turned on looking at her so he decides what the hell, I can just fly in real quick, give her the ole' in-out and be out of there before she even knows what hit her. After all he is Superman. So, in he goes, wham-bam and he's out of there.

Wonder Woman knew something happened and says, "What was that?" The invisible man says, "I don't know but, damn, is my ar*se sore."

2007-01-13 18:39:23 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-13 18:16:18 · 16 answers · asked by califrniateach 4

2007-01-13 18:16:05 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were these 2 old men walking down the sidewalk going to visit their deceased wives graves. They came to a spot that they decided to rest before climbing the hill to the gate and while they were catching their breath they heard two faint voices saying, "One for you, One for me, One for you, One for me..." The men were a little hard of hearing for they have been in the war together and always stuck together after they got home. So one old man said to the other, "Let's go home" and the other one said, "Be quiet, I'm tryin' to hear!" "One for you, One for me, One for you, One for me...". The old man that said to be quiet told the other "You know what? I think God and Satan is up on top of that there hill and they be dividing up souls!, saying "One for you, One for me" and I think we best be getting along (leaving). By then alll went quiet and the two men listening and heard footsteps saying "I'm done bagging mine up, better go down there and get those two nuts at bottom of the hill."

2007-01-13 17:56:54 · 7 answers · asked by LS 4

when a women does the hat dance with your head still in the hat?

2007-01-13 17:47:13 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tit*s," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

2007-01-13 17:42:05 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were these two bunnies chased under a bush by a pack of wolves and the wolves were circling and circling the bush and saying "There is no escape, come on out." The bunnies starting burrowing under the bush. Another wolf stated, "We won't hurt you, we were just coming to invite you to dinner, that's all."

By the time the wolves was about to get tired and go home to find something easier to catch the bunnies shot out from under the bush in all directions sending the wolves into a confusion and the papa rabbit said to the mama rabbit said, "I told you that we'd out number 'em some day!"

2007-01-13 17:41:18 · 3 answers · asked by LS 4

At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches,
Lord I almost died,
But I'd spent oh so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong, And I knew that I could take you on. . .

But there you are,
Another lie,
I was ready for a big mac and you've bought me a French fry, I
should have known that it was bullsh*t, Just a sad pathetic
dream, Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those
jeans.

Go on now go,
Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4, Weren't
you a prat to think that I wouldn't catch you out, Don't you
know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count.

(Chorus)

I will survive, I will survive,
Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life is gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex, with a handful of latex,
I will survive, I will survive. . .hey . hey

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud, But to
hell with all your ego's and to hell with all your needs, Now
I'm saving all my lovin for a cordless multispeed,

Go on now go,
Just hit the track,
Don't you bring me home no tiddlers,
Cos I'll always throw them back,
The only thing that I could do with a prick as small as yours,
Is to stick it with a tooth pick and dip it in tomato sauce.

Go on now Go!

2007-01-13 17:40:08 · 12 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

i went to my girlfriends house, she stabbed me, i shot her she died.

i walked out, her dad on the driveway, he ran me over, i got up, shot him (forehead) he died.

i went home, my sister threw a knife in my leg, i shot her, she died.

my brother in the den hit me with a pool cue over the head, i shot him, he died.

walk outside, my dog bit my toe, i shot it, it died.

i fall alseep in the sun and die, who killed me?

2007-01-13 17:40:02 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am not a number.

2007-01-13 17:38:44 · 8 answers · asked by I hate carrots 6

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play guitar & do a lot of things that took two arms.
One day he had had it & decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw a man skipping along, whistling & kicking up his heels. He looked closer & saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, “what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with! There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.”
He hurried down & caught up with the man with no arms & told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless & was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He replied: ... "I'm NOT happy; my @ss itches."

2007-01-13 17:35:31 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two nuns were driving their car through Transylvania when suddenly Count Dracula lands on the car, snarling.

"Quick show him your cross!" Said one of the nuns.

The second nun replied, "Get OFF the fuc'king car!!"

2007-01-13 17:30:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist asks, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explains she needs it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes get big and he says, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looks at the picture and replies, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

2007-01-13 17:25:44 · 20 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully. The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe says" That's amazing. Where did you get him?" Bill says" well I got this magic lamp with a genie" So the other fellow says that's great could I use it?" Bill says "sure " and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He says" I want a million bucks". Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks! Joe exclaims"Hey! I asked for I million BUCKS! not DUCKS!" Bill explained "Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?

2007-01-13 17:20:49 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-13 17:13:38 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep. The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"

The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!"

2007-01-13 17:12:04 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-13 17:06:39 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

My wife and I went on holiday to Jerusalem. While we were there the wife passed away and the undertaker told me 'you can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land for £150'. I thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked 'why would you spend £5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150?'

I replied 'Long time ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.


I really cant take that risk'

2007-01-13 17:04:20 · 17 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

WHAT did the sky say to the tomatoe

2007-01-13 17:03:58 · 13 answers · asked by harleydavidson218 2

There was a guy in a theater, sprawled out over three seats. The usher came by and told the guy to move. The guy mumbled, but didn't answer, so the usher went to get the manager.

The manager said to the man, "Sir, if you don't move, I'll call the police to have you removed." Again, the guy mumbled, but didn't answer.

So the manager called the police and a cop came over. The cop said to the man, "Hey mister, What's your name?" The man said, "Pete." The cop asked, "Where ya' from, Pete?" He replied, "The balcony!"

2007-01-13 17:02:33 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race-track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one--holding onto their "weewees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be a 5th grader."

"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th, but thanks for the lift."

2007-01-13 16:33:50 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous