Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-14 10:07:07 · 32 answers · asked by Richard 7

I am hispanic and while on a 3 man patrol with my black buddy and my white sergeant, we had gotten ambushed by a VC platoon and captured. It was early in the Vietnam war and prisoners of war were not a big item. Anyway, the VC commander said , if we could show him 15 inches of pecker between us he would let us go. Well my black buddy pulled his pecker out for 9 inches, then my white sergeant pulled his out for 5 inches and I pulled mine out for 1 inch. True to his word, the VC commander released us. As we were heading back to our lines, my black buddy said, "You're lucky us brothers have long peckers." Then my white Sergeant, said, "Well, my 5 inches counted too." Then I told both of them. "You're both lucky I had a hard on."

2007-01-14 10:06:18 · 2 answers · asked by Big C 6

two cows standing next to each other in a field
dolly says to daisey
"i got artificially inseminated this morning"
"idont believe u" daisey replies
its true no bull!!!!!!!

2007-01-14 09:50:29 · 16 answers · asked by DAVID H 1

two cows standing next to each other in a field
dolly says to daisey
"i got artificially inseminated this morning"
"idont believe u" daisey replies
its true no bull!!!!!!!

2007-01-14 09:49:28 · 14 answers · asked by DAVID H 1

i need help i know the hotdog one

2007-01-14 09:46:32 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

three guy are walking in the jungle. one white,one black and one mexican, they come to a river and see a sign"do not enter, alagators"
so they look for a way to cross and cant find one, so they decide to cross
the white guy goes first,makes it 1/4 of the way across and get eaten
the black guy goes next,makes it 1/2 way across and gets eaten
now the mexican is sweating it ,
he starts to cross
he get all the way across no problem
he turns to the alagator and asks "why did'nt you eat me?"
and the alagator says"i ate a mexican last week and my butthole is still burning"

2007-01-14 09:42:29 · 6 answers · asked by jokerswild 4

a. Take away and what still remains is far.
b. In the air watch me fly, touch me and I will die.
c. You can find me in the sea, but, although is would seem, never in the ocean.
d. You know it because you create it, but all your life you really want to find it.

2007-01-14 09:33:54 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous 1

Use a tacometer.

2007-01-14 09:33:43 · 6 answers · asked by Dr Know It All 5

A bloke arrives home to find his wife in front of a mirror stretching her arms, chanting, "I must, I must, I must improve my bust; I will, I will, I'll make them bigger still."
The bloke says, "What are you doing?"
His wife says, "An exercise to make my boobs bigger."
The bloke says, "That doesn't work. What you need to do is rub toilet paper between them."
His wife says, "And that will make them bigger???"
The bloke says, "Well it worked for your a**e!".
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What do you call 100 nuns in a shop?
A Virgin Megastore
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A lady walks into a shop which sells Persian rugs.
She spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel its texture, she farts loudly.
Embarrassed, she looks around to see if anyone has noticed. Standing nearby is a salesman. He says "Madam, how can we help you?"
Uncomfortably, she says, "What's the price of this rug?"
He says, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you'll sh** yourself when you hear the price."

2007-01-14 09:33:19 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A russian lady swimmer goes to her coach and says "Coach, these steroids you're giving are having a bad effect. I'm growing hair on my chest." The coach says "Oh, that's not possible. Let me see." The girl pulls down her top and the coach says "My God, you're right. How far down does it go?" The lady swimmer says "All the way to my balls".

2007-01-14 09:31:08 · 7 answers · asked by Commander 3

Top Ten Blonde Inventions
1) The water-proof towel
2) Solar powered flashlight
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9) Pedal-powered wheel chair
10) Water-proof tea bag


Horseback Riding
A blonde named Anna had a near death experience the other day
when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until
the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all
her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could
not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When
this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head
continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even
slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing
consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and
unplugged it.

A blonde is sitting on a park bench and she is crying a man
walks up to her and asked whats wrong. She said terrible news,
he said what. My mother died but that's not the worst news. He
ask what is the worst news and she said I call my sister and she
said her mother died to.

One afternoon a blonde and a brunette were watching the 6
o'clock news about a man who was going to commit suicide off
the Brooklyn Bridge. Then the blonde said, " I bet you 50
dollars he won't jump" Then the brunette agreed. Then the man
jumped off and the blonde handed her the 50 dollars and the
brunette said, "I can't take this from you! Your my Best
friend!" the the blonde replied, "You won it fair and square!"
then the brunette said, " no I didnt I saw the 5 o' clock news
and he jumped!" the Blonde said, " so did I, but I didn't think
he would do it again!"

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you? You're really a blonde?" She says "Yes doctor," "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

2007-01-14 09:30:52 · 6 answers · asked by wildaboutme23 4

Two mothers-in-law.

2007-01-14 09:24:56 · 8 answers · asked by Commander 3

A blonde goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker.
"Ten," says the blonde.
"Ten!?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne."
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"No," says the blonde. "It's great, because if they're out playing in the street I just have to shout, "Wayne, your dinner's ready" or, "Wayne, go to bed now", and they all do it."
"But what if you want to speak to one individually?" asks the council worker.
"Easy," says the blonde. "I just use their surnames." :)
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A blonde pushes her BMW into a petrol garage.
She tells the mechanic the engine's died. After he's worked on it for a few minutes, it's running smoothly again.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."
She says, "OK, how often do I have to do that?" :(

2007-01-14 09:17:33 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mickey Ryan got a job with the council emptying dustbins.

'Tis great work,' said he. 'A hundred pounds a week and all you can eat! But what spoils it is the foreman. He has terrible bad breath.'

Mickey, however, soon became an expert in the art of refuse collecting until at his peak he could often be seen carrying a loaded dustbin on each shoulder and another equally full under each arm. He would stroll along whistling a merry tune.

'Gosh, you are an amazing fellow,' remarked a passer-by. 'How on earth do you do that?'

' Tis easy, sor,' said Ryan. 'You just push your lips forward and blow.'

2007-01-14 09:13:36 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

YOU CAN ONLY WATCH IT ON PAPER VIEW !!!

2007-01-14 09:12:55 · 9 answers · asked by trickyrick32 4

Joining the other labourers, Pete picked up the only shovel he could find.

'Don't use that shovel. If Big Jamie sees you with his shovel he'll kill you!'

So Pete looked around and grabbed the only pick he could find.

'For God's sake put down that pick,' said another That's Big Jamie's pick. If he sees you with that he'll kill you.'

Come tea break and Pete had done no work, but fancied a mug of tea. Picking up the only free mug on the tray, he was warned:

'That's Big Jamie's mug. If Big Jamie sees you with that mug he'll kill you!'

'That does it,' screamed McCarthy. 'I'm sick to death of hearing about this Big Jamie. I'm going to sort him out. Where does he live?'

'Winslow Street - number 7.'

So McCarthy grabbed a shovel and marched off to Winslow Street, hammered on the door, brushed past the little old lady who opened it and stormed into the house. From an upstairs room he could hear monstrous snoring noises so up he ran and burst into the bedroom. There on a bed lay a giant, six feet four inches, at least 18 stones, covered in hair.

Without a word McCarthy laid into the beast with his shovel - crash! clang! bang!

'Merciful heavens,' screamed the little old lady. 'If Big Jamie sees you hitting the baby he'll kill you!'

2007-01-14 09:11:52 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple has a baby who is severely deformed. The baby is, essentially, just a head. The couple decides to raise the child just as normally as they can, and things go pretty well. On the child's 16th birthday, the parents decide to have a big party. Finally, when it comes time to open up the presents, the parents place a nicely wrapped box on the table. The kid says "Let me guess. It's another f***ing hat!"

2007-01-14 09:07:16 · 17 answers · asked by Commander 3

outlaws are wanted!!!

2007-01-14 09:05:46 · 10 answers · asked by !!! 3

READ EACH SENTENCE OUT LOUD-without any mistakes-only 1 in 10 people over the age of forty can do this !
1. It is this cat.
2. It is is cat.
3. It is how cat.
4. It is you cat.
5. It is get cat.
6. It is an an cat.
7. It is old cat.
8. It is fart cat.
9. It is to to cat.
10. It is stay cat.
11. It is busy cat.
12. It is for for cat.
13. It is forty cat.
14. It is seconds cat.

Easy? Ok -go back and read aloud the THIRD word in each sentence starting at number one all the way down in order thru number fourteen.

2007-01-14 09:04:07 · 6 answers · asked by debi_0712 5

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked,

DEMON: "Why so glum?"

GUY: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

DEMON: "Hell's not so bad, We actually have a lot of fun down here…you a drinking man?"

GUY: "Sure, I love to drink."

DEMON: "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, Tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

GUY: "Damn, that sounds great!"

DEMON: "You a smoker?"

GUY: "You better believe it!"

DEMON: "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie - you're already dead, remember?"

GUY: "Wow, that's awesome!"

DEMON: "I bet you like to gamble."

GUY: "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

DEMON: "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

GUY: "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

DEMON: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

GUY: "Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

DEMON: "You gay?"

GUY: "No, I’m straight"

DEMON: "Ooooh…you're gonna hate Fridays."

2007-01-14 08:59:49 · 52 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm watching Das Boot (The Boat) and I noticed that the U-Boat crew seem to be eating a lot of lemons, limes and oranges. Why are they doing this?

2007-01-14 08:58:14 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

First to anser all correctly the 10.

1) Take away whole and some is left. What am I?
2)What can yu put in a bucket fulll of water to make it lighter?
3)There are 5 errors in this whole passage. What are they!

2007-01-14 08:58:07 · 17 answers · asked by pinpinmoo 2

so 2day when little johnny went home his mother was giving his dad a blow......so then little johnny asked wut mommy was doing and she said well mommy's thirsty and shes taking a drink from daddy's fountain....so then the next day at school johhny asked little mary if she was thirsty...............

2007-01-14 08:49:06 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blondes, Trisha and Robin decided to rob a bank together. The first blonde, Trisha plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second blonde, Robin, in great detail.
The robbery begins. Trisha drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Robin, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan.

You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said Robin.

Robin goes in the bank while Trisha waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes . . .

Two minutes pass . . .

Seven minutes pass . . . and Trisha is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Robin. She's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Trisha says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"

Robin said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said Trish. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

2007-01-14 08:46:00 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.

2007-01-14 08:40:17 · 18 answers · asked by Melissa S 2

Ok so 3 people were in a plane with 3 bombs. The first guy threw the bomb out the window and it blew up the house. Then the owner of that house started crying with his family. Luckily no one was hurt. The second man in the plane threw out the bomb and it blew up a house. The family in the house went outside and started crying no one was hurt! The third guy threw out a bomb and it blew up the house. The family went outside laughing. "Why are you laughing?" asked the neighbor. "Daddy farted and the house blew up!" replied the little girl!

2007-01-14 08:37:51 · 16 answers · asked by wildaboutme23 4

A man is out on the interstate having an evening drive in his sports car. He decided to open her up and the needle jumps to 120mph. Suddenly he sees a flashing red and blue light behind him. He thinks about outrunning the cops, accelerates for a few seconds, then comes to his senses and pulls over. The officer comes over to check his licence. "I've had a tough shift, says the officer. "And this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Er, last week my wife ran off with a cop," says the man. "And when I saw your car I was afraid he was trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night," says the officer. :)

2007-01-14 08:37:13 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

She decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said "For best results put on two coats."

2007-01-14 08:36:24 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal that read, “Rich widow looking for man to share life and fortune with the following qualifications: 1. Won’t beat me up, 2. Won’t run away, and 3. Has to be great in bed.” For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell rang constantly, and she received tons of mail but none of the men seemed to meet her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang and she opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, “Who are you and what do you want?” “Hi,” said the man. “Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I’ve got no arms, so I can’t beat you up and I’ve got no legs, so I can’t run away.” The old woman asked, “What makes you think you’re so great in bed?" To which he replied, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

2007-01-14 08:35:25 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

what's the difference Between a hormone and a ferimone?. You can't hear a ferimone.

2007-01-14 08:33:43 · 4 answers · asked by Joel 5