Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"

2007-01-14 11:53:18 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-14 11:50:12 · 18 answers · asked by Cliff E 3

This is a good story and is true, please read it all the way through until the end! (After the story, there are some very interesting facts!):

I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree.

The last class I had to take was! Sociology.

The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with.

Her last project of the term was called "Smile."

The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions.

I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway, so, I thought this would be a piece of cake, literally.

Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning.

It was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son.

We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did.

I did not move an inch... An overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved.

As I turned around I smelled a horrible "dirty body" smell, and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men.

As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was "smiling".

His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance.

He said, "Good day" as he counted the few coins he had been clutching.

The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his salvation.

I held my tears as I stood there with them.

The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted.

He said, "Coffee is all Miss" because that was all they could afford. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be warm).

Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes.

That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me, judging my every action.

I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray.

I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand.

He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Thank you."

I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, "I did not do this for you. God is here working through me to give you hope."

I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, "That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope."

2007-01-14 11:47:47 · 11 answers · asked by ♥♥♥you rock my world ♥♥♥ 3

http://www.winterrowd.com/maze/

Go to the link and play. It only takes 3 min. It's a great maze game.

2007-01-14 11:47:12 · 3 answers · asked by Ndpndnt 5

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.


Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her
'twas Little Boy Blue with a horn.


Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman
"What have u got there?"
Said the pieman unto Simon
Pies you d'ickhead.


Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its a'rse
and turned its wool to nylon


Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cos he was gay.


Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.


Little boy blew.
Hey. He needed the money.

2007-01-14 11:47:08 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night.
The landlord finally says that the bar is closing. But when the Irishman stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand again, with the same result.
He decides to crawl outside and get some fresh air to sober him up.
Once outside, he tries to straighten up - but again falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl home. when he arrives at the door, he tries to stand up - but again falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and into his bedroom.
This time he manages to pull himself upright, but immediately he collapses on to the duvet and falls asleep.
He's awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again!"
He says, "What makes you say that?"
She says, "The pub called - you left your wheelchair there again."

2007-01-14 11:43:07 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please Blondes don't be offended and send me hate mail, i'm blonde amd i think it's very funny!
A BLONDES YEAR IN REVIEW
JANUARY - Took new scaf back to shop because it was too tight
FEBRUARY- Fired from pharmecy job for failing to print labels.......HELLOOOOO bottles wont fit in printer
MARCH- Got really excited finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said 2-4 years
APRIL- Trapped on escalator for hours...Power went out
MAY- Tried to make jelly.. wrong instructions...8 cups of water wont fit in those little packets
JUNE- Tried to go water sking..couldn't find lake with a slope
JULY- Lost breast stroke competition....found out later the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms
AUGUST- got locked out of car in rain storm..car swamped because soft top was open
SEPT-The capital of California is "C" isn't it?
OCT- HATE m&m'S they are so hard to peel
NOV-Baked turkey for 41/2 days.. instructions said 1 hor per pound.i weigh 108
DEC- couldn't call 911 no 11 on phone

2007-01-14 11:42:21 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

wanna hear a dirty joke? billy played in the mud
wanna hear a clean joke?billy took a bath with bubbles
wanna hear a dirty joke?bubbles is the next door

please /10 ratings

2007-01-14 11:40:28 · 5 answers · asked by Jaden B 3

north pole in a house facing north look ing through a window facing north and you see abear pass by heading south, what color is the bear?

2007-01-14 11:40:09 · 5 answers · asked by the songs you wrote 1

one is the father
of the other ones son how are they related? no bloody cheating mrs

2007-01-14 11:39:44 · 8 answers · asked by HERBS 2

tell me a joke or something..

2007-01-14 11:28:42 · 7 answers · asked by ? 5

WET PANTS

Come with me to a third grade classroom... There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a

sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is

going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he

knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never

speak to him again as long as he lives.


The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, "Dear God, this

is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat."



He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.


As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled

with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap.



The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, "Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!"



Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The

teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other

children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful. But as

life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie.



She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. You've done enough, you klutz!"



Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers,

"You did that on purpose, didn't you?" Susie whispers back, "I wet my pants once too."

2007-01-14 11:24:58 · 19 answers · asked by ♥♥♥you rock my world ♥♥♥ 3

the other day just in time to see a dog with his front paws stretched up to the counter. There you go sandy said the butcher ,two steaks thats just 4 pounds. The dog lifted his right paw and dropped 4 pounds on the counter , took the bag of meat and walked out the door.Thats fantastic I said to the butcher ,oh he comes in 3 times a week ,always gets it right. I thought I've just got to see what he does now so I followed him.He went down the high street ,turned left then right walked down the street then opened a gate to a house ,turned and closed the gate behind him , walked up to the front door and tapped on it with his paw, The door opened and a guy picked the dog up by the scruff of the neck ,thumped him ,dropped him on the floor ,and kicked him into the house. Oy I shouted ,thats one clever dog you got there. What did you hit and kick him for? cause its the second time this week that he's forgot his key!

2007-01-14 11:23:40 · 10 answers · asked by peter d 2

2007-01-14 11:18:55 · 1 answers · asked by Lexie 1

man breakes into a house tie up the young couple and starts rumageing through the house
comes back to the room and get on top of the girl and stars whispering in her ear and goes to the bathroom, the husband tell his wife"be stong
honey he might rape you ,be strong,it will be over soon, i'll be there for you, and the wife tells her husband "he said he just got out of prison and thinks your cute and asked me where the vasaline is, be strong honey "!

2007-01-14 10:49:55 · 3 answers · asked by jokerswild 4

She wanted to catch a wave!

2007-01-14 10:46:19 · 13 answers · asked by Dion D 2

really funny in 25 words or less!! dirty too i dont care!!! please make sence of them!

2007-01-14 10:40:49 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

once again no offense 2 you blondes i got tis off a website


A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"

The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"


heres another


Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on?
A: Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.''

more later!!
or go 2 ma myspace profile (if ur my friend)
and check out the jokes i got there

are these funny???

2007-01-14 10:38:25 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

First one to answer these correctly gets the points,





1) Define the word 'a' without using it in the sentence. You may not have the letter 'A' in any of the words in your answer.





2) You have 55 cents but only 2 coins. One is not a nickel. *AMERICAN MONEY*

2007-01-14 10:38:17 · 13 answers · asked by MikaRae<3 2

Girl on the beach?
man walking on the beach sees a girl with no arms and no legs crying, so he stops and askes her why, shes says i am 18 years old and never been huged, so he feel bad,gives her a hug and goes on his way, the next day he sees the same girl crying and asks her what is wrong now, she say im 18 and ive never been kissed, so he leans down kisses her and goes on his way
next day there she is crying again and he asks what now, shes says i am 18 and never been fucced, so the guy thinks for a minute,picks her up and throws her in the water and says your fucced now!

2007-01-14 10:34:06 · 21 answers · asked by jokerswild 4

The first person to make me laugh off of a blonde joke gets the 10 points.

2007-01-14 10:33:40 · 3 answers · asked by ~Azorian Chick~ 3

Victoria and David Beckham are watching the Six O'Clock News. The headline story is about a man who's threatening to jump off a bridge on to the busy road below.
Victoria turns to David and says, "I bet you £10,000 that he jumps."
David says, "£10,000? Done."
The pair shake on it and continue watching.
Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a thud.
David takes £10,000 out of his pocket and gives it to Victoria.
Victoria says, "I can't take that from you. I was cheating. I saw a news bulletin earlier, so I knew what was going to happen."
David says, "No, babe, the money's yours. I saw the earlier bulletin too; I just didn't think he'd do it again." :)
<><><>
What's the difference between David Beckham and an Airfix kit with no glue?
A. One's a glueless kit.
<><>
After Yassar Arafat died , the Palestinian undertakers clothed his body in an Newcastle shirt, Spurs shorts and Rangers socks.....In his will he'd said he wanted to be buried in the Gaza strip.
<>

2007-01-14 10:28:09 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 men went on a boat ride together. the boat flipped over and they fell out. Only two of the men got their hair wet. Why???

2007-01-14 10:25:25 · 11 answers · asked by johanna m 1

I was in the shower and I couldn't find shampoo... i opened the curtains and found the shampoo on the counter sink... i tried to reach for it, and suddenly i tripped and landed on the toilet and i Broke two of my fingers...

2007-01-14 10:22:09 · 17 answers · asked by Caribou 6

There was a blonde and a brunette. The blonde knows how people think blondes are dumb, so her and the brunette tried to think of ways to change that. The brunette then said she knew how to make hair dye and said they would dye the blondes hair tomorrow. The next day, the blonde went to the brunettes so they could make the hair dye, but the brunette wasnt home. The blonde decided to do it herself. The next day, the brunette invited the blonde over and the blonde arrived bald. The brunette asked what happened, and the blonde said i went over to your house yesterday but you werent home, so i made my hair die myself.

2007-01-14 10:21:06 · 21 answers · asked by pigtails101 2

Three guys walk into a bar and the third one ducked, and then the other one is three guys walked into a bar and the third one says ouch!



what is the "answer" for these jokes

2007-01-14 10:20:07 · 4 answers · asked by Rhiannon. Stay[[+]] 4

guy walks into a bar and orders a shot,drinks it pulls a paper out his shirt pocket ,looks at it,puts it back orders another shot, he does this for a couple hours, finally the bartender asks him why he keeps looking at the paper before he orders a shot,
the guy says it is a picture of my wife, when she looks good, i've had enough and can go home

2007-01-14 10:18:36 · 11 answers · asked by jokerswild 4

a guy goes to the bar to have a drink, he sees a sing on the wall that says"win a hundred bucks,ask how" so the guy asks the bartender how can i win the money
the bartender says "you see that horse in the back of the bar,if you can make him laugh i'll give you a hundred bucks"
so the guy thinks for a minute,gets up walks over to the horse,whispers in it ear and the horse starts laughing,
comes back to the bar and gets his money,the bartender is amazed, he says ok if you can make him laugh till he cries i'give you five hundred more,the guy thinks a minute walks over to the horse, messes with his pants and the horse falls on the floor laughing and crying
guy goes back to the bar to get his money
bartender is amazed and said how the hell did you do it
guy says first " i told him i had a bigger dick then him, the second time i showed it to him"

2007-01-14 10:12:13 · 11 answers · asked by jokerswild 4

Mark Spitz. Greg swallows.

2007-01-14 10:11:33 · 3 answers · asked by Commander 3

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a long hard look at herself.
"You know dear," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is wrinkled, my boobs barely clear my waist and my ar*e is sagging. I've got fat legs and my arms are flabby. Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He says, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
<><><>
After a night out, a man brings his mates back to show off his new house.
The visitors are perplexed by a large gong in the lounge.
One says, "What's that big brass gong for?"
The host says, "That's my Talking clock."
The guest says, "How does it work?"
The host says, "I'll show you", and gives the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
A woman's voice from upstairs screams, "For f***s sake, it's twenty to two in the f*****g morning!"
<><><>

2007-01-14 10:08:23 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous