So.....anybody know any good jokes?

Question

Taking all offers

Answer 1

An old woman and her husband were driving down the street at about 40 miles an hour. The man suddenly said, "I want a divorce. I've been having an affair." She speeds up to 60 mph. He then says, "I want the house and the pets." Now they're at 80 mph. "And the credit cards & cars," he continues. Once again, she speeds up, this time to 90 mph. "Why are you so calm about this? I'm taking everything, and you don't have anything." he says. She simply replies, just as they're about to crash...

"I have the airbag."

Answer 2

.Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you." "What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?" "45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel."Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate." "Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you *are* 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Answer 3

Two Buddy's were walking their dogs in the park. One of them walking a Doberman pincher and the other one walking a Chihuahua, when they smelled something Delicious coming from a nearby restaurant. The guy with the Doberman pincher says to his friend,"Let's go over to that restaurant and get somthing to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says," We can't go in there.We've got dogs with us." The buddy with the Doberman pincher says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of dark glasses and walks into the restaurant,when the restaurant owner says, " Sorry pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman pincher replies, " You don't understand this is my seeing Eye Dog." The owner, sceptical, says, "A Doberman pincher?" The Domberman's master says," Yes, they're using them now-they're very good and they protect me from robbers, too." The man at the door says, "Come on in." When the man with the Chihuahua sees this, he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. Once again the restaurant owner says, "Sorry Pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog." "A Chihuahua?" says the owner. The man with the dogs replies, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua!

Answer 4

The Best Programmer

One day, Jesus and Satan decided to settle which one of them was the best programmer. God was chosen to be the judge.

Jesus and Satan got 10 hours to create the best program they could for the PC.

When 10 hours had passed, the power suddenly went out, and all the data disappeared from both monitors. Moments later, the power came back on.

On Jesus's monitor, all the data had returned to its previous state, whereas Satan's monitor remained blank.

Satan got really angry and complained to God.

God was quiet for a moment, then he laughed and said, "Jesus saves!"

Answer 5

It's he11 to get old ...

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked!

"You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open".

Answer 6

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