Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

Two Polish hunters got themselves set up for a weekend of hunting. They gathered their guns, dogs, and ammunition before tromping around for hours with no luck. When they came out of the woods at dusk, they looked around at all the other hunters who were carrying braces of pheasant, quail, duck, and geese. Gee, said one Pole to his companion, everyone else seems to be doing pretty well for themselves. Whaddaya think we could be doing wrong? I dunno, said the other. Maybe we're not throwing the dogs high enough.

2006-12-04 10:10:42 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cherry Funny: My family went to red lobster for a holiday dinner and I was drinking a Shirley Temple. They always put a cherry on a sword in the drink and my cherry fell off and sank to the bottom of the glass. I looked up at my sister and said " Crap, I lost my Cherry!" My sister laughed so hard she squirted soda through her nose, And my mom looked completely mortified. It took my sister 20 min. between laughing fits to explain to me why what I said was so hilarious.

From a COSMO GIRL magazine and what does Crap I lost my cherry mean?

2006-12-04 10:07:12 · 20 answers · asked by koshkisses 2

in the courts the judge said to mickey mouse,,i am sorry but i cannot grant you a divorce from minney mouse just because she has buck teeth,,mickey replied,i never said she has buck teeth,i said she was ******* goofy,,,,,

2006-12-04 10:00:06 · 6 answers · asked by blu.boy 2

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!" "I've been circumcised." "What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end." "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My mom said I was two days old." "Did it hurt?" "You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

2006-12-04 09:56:12 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-04 09:45:22 · 24 answers · asked by Nicole Brown 2

they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames based on kinds of soda.1st woman " i'm gonna call Tom Mountain Dew because he's as strong as a mountain and he always wants to do it" 2nd woman" i'm gonna call Bruce 7 up because he's got 7 inches and its always up" 3rd woman "I'm gonna call my man Jack daniels" but thats a hard liquer said the first woman, "I know, thats my Leroy"

2006-12-04 09:42:30 · 15 answers · asked by chris w. 7

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on a pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacey, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing, and tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.


But it's not only the passion Dad, she's pregnant. Stacey says that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many children. Stacey has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

2006-12-04 09:40:53 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2006-12-04 09:39:25 · 10 answers · asked by .: Brunette Beauty :. 1

Scratchin the f... out of her coffin.!

2006-12-04 09:37:16 · 10 answers · asked by nitenurse 3

One day George Bush was out jogging and accidentally fell from a ridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river. After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you." The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"
"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Bush. "I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said. "I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful Bush. "And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy. "I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!" the boy replied "No -- but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."

2006-12-04 09:33:42 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Does anyone else think that you shouldn't be able to view other answers before you put yours in? I've put this in jokes and riddles because I really enjoy them and try to think of a good answer rather than just trying to gain points by putting haha. Am I being sad?

2006-12-04 09:31:53 · 12 answers · asked by Scotty 7

A friend of a friend told me this.
There are some bands travelling on a plane. The three bassists sit together, and they start chatting about their pieces, their bands.
Then the first bassist says " If I threw this £20 out of the window, someone would be made very happy"
The second one says "Well if I threw these 2 £10 notes out of the window, two people would be made very happy"
The third bassist then says "If I threw these four £5 notes out of the window then four people would be made happy"
The lead singer of one of the bands overhears this, turns round and says "If I threw you three out of the window then the whole plane would be made happy"
What do you think? This can be either a drummer or bassist joke, and as a bassist I think it is awful!
Sensible answers please!

2006-12-04 09:30:49 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-04 09:29:33 · 9 answers · asked by hottiesocrplaya13 1

2006-12-04 09:28:15 · 4 answers · asked by butterfly13006 1

David was out for a walk when it started to rain. He did not have an umbrella and he wasn't wearing a hat. His clothes were soaked, yet not a single hair on his head got wet. How could this happen?

2006-12-04 09:27:07 · 39 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

This riddle was asked on a radio show to win.

2006-12-04 09:18:09 · 46 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sardar: in my dreams rats play football every night. DR: take this tablet you will be ok. Sardar: Can I take tommorrow, tonight is final game.
--
how many sadar take to change light? five. 1 under light, 1 on shoulders, 3 to turn sadar under light!
--
Girl removed her jenas, threw it at her boyfriend & said "MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WIFE!" Boy removed his jeans too, threw it at the girl & said "Wash both the jeans"
--
What do I do when I see someone EXTREMELY GORGEOUS? I stare, I smile & when I get tired I put the mirror down..!
--
Banta: Why is the Police nicknamed "The heart of the country"? Santa: It beats, beats, beats.
--
Santa: Wht d guarantee 4 this mirror? Shopkeeper: Throw down frm 100 ft ht, d mirror will not break till 99 ft.! Santa: WOW ~ Thats great.pack 10!!
--
2 sardars were fighting after exam. Sir: Y r u fighting? 1 Sardar: This fool left the answer sheet blank, Sir: So what? 1 Sardar: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we both copied.
-----
more to come

2006-12-04 09:16:53 · 7 answers · asked by Sohaib ahmad 1

As in ploppy's joke, a woman gives birth & all there is is a head. It's the head's 15th birthday & the parents come in with a present & start singing ''Happy Birthday''.......The head shouts.......'If it's another hat I don't want it'

2006-12-04 09:10:38 · 10 answers · asked by kev3753 1

An American,an Indian and an Russian is in a restaurant.They are talking about what they have developed so far.The American says they can fly their planes above outer space,Russian says they can fly their planes beneath the water level and the Indian says that they can eat food through their nose.The others asked him how they can do that.The Indian told that they eat food just one inch below the nose.

2006-12-04 09:08:51 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2006-12-04 09:05:58 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."
"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't wan to have to come back."
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear."
"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.
"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"

2006-12-04 08:59:48 · 33 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

this joke isn't really funny... my niece and nephew love it..

why did the donut go to the dentist?


to get a filling..

i guess it's cute.. and it can't offend anyone.. unless you are a dentist and are easily offended... :)

2006-12-04 08:57:08 · 30 answers · asked by Schmidtty19 2

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.

The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

2006-12-04 08:55:07 · 17 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Under the soap.

2006-12-04 08:52:12 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

2006-12-04 08:48:56 · 35 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Saudi Arabia when they stumbled upon a harem filled with gorgeous girls, They went in and were getting really friendly with the harem girls when the sheikh came back and caught them in the act .
He had them tied up and told them each would die in a manner befitting their professions.
"What is your profession" he asked the 1st man. "i'm a police man he said." His peni.s, shoot it off "the sheikh shrieked
"you what is your profession "he asked the 2nd american, "I'm a fireman "he replied, "His pen.is burn it off" bellowed the sheikh
The 3rd guy just stood there smiling.
"why are you smiling, What is your profession" he asked,

the man replied. I am a lollipop salesman.....

2006-12-04 08:46:13 · 13 answers · asked by chris w. 7

2006-12-04 08:40:49 · 8 answers · asked by Laughing Man Copycat 5

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

2006-12-04 08:40:13 · 15 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday.
Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.

"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone.

Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday.

So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.

"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.

It took them a week to clean up the church.

2006-12-04 08:35:03 · 17 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

An Irish woman walked into a small hardware store and told the owner that she needed a new door handle.

He fetched one and asked: "Do you want a screw for that?"

She looked around the store and said: "No, but I'll blow ya for that toaster over there."

2006-12-04 08:32:52 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous