Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

Does this cloth smell like chloroform to you? Be as descriptive as possible if time allows. It's not dirty I just want to see who has the wittiest response and story. Thanks! Take a big whiff if needed

2006-12-04 08:23:39 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man suspects his wife is seeing antoher man,
so he hires a famous detective - Chen Liegh, to watch and report any activities when hes not around.

a week later he recieves this report:-

Most Honourable Sir-
you leave house, i watch house.
he come to house, he and she leave house.
i follow- she and he go to hostel, i climb tree.
he kiss she, she kiss he.
he plays with she, she plays with he.
i play with me, i fall out of tree!
i not see!!!!

no fee

yours Chen Leigh

2006-12-04 08:19:23 · 31 answers · asked by ? 2

There are these four gay lovers, they all live together and get freaky with one another. One night on the way home from work one gets in an accident and dies, the other three gay lovers have him cremated, and split the ashes into three urns. They decide to each take next weekend away from one another to do what they see fit with lover's ashes.

That following Sunday night they all came back, and they asked one another what they did with the lover's ashes

The first guy said, "I took them to our favorite cliff by the beach, and spread his ashes into the wind."

The second guy said, "I took lover's ashes to our favorite spot at the Grand Canyon, and spread the ashes into the wind."

Then the first two gay guys asked the third lover what he did with the ashes. The third lover then said, "I made a really hot and spicy pot of chili and put the ashes in."

The other two lovers exclaimed, "WHAT, WHY?!?"

The third lover then said, "So he could tear this a$$ up one last time!"

2006-12-04 08:17:29 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, three friends went to this "A Dublin Strip Club." One of the friends wanted to impress the other two, so he pulls out a €10 bill. The "dancer" came over to them, and the one friend licked the €10 and put it on her butt.

Not to be outdone, the other friend pulls out a €50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the €50, and puts it on her other cheek.
Now the attention is focused on the third guy.

He got out his wallet, thought for a minute... then got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door.

2006-12-04 08:15:02 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2006-12-04 08:14:14 · 6 answers · asked by Skittles 4

Egbert the village idiot got himself a zebra for a pet............He called it.......Spot!

2006-12-04 08:12:10 · 5 answers · asked by kev3753 1

A Economist opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they'vedone to my Beeeeemer!" he whined." You Economist's are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!""Oh my God," replied the Economist, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex?!?"

2006-12-04 08:03:44 · 12 answers · asked by asian~drama~freak 2

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.

The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"

Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"

"67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the cop.

"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.

"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"

2006-12-04 07:54:25 · 26 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Can anyone tell me what David Koch's joke of the day was on Monday 4th December (Sunrise program in Australia). Apparently it caused a lot of controversy.

2006-12-04 07:51:20 · 5 answers · asked by Leah M 2

2006-12-04 07:43:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-04 07:41:46 · 17 answers · asked by Megan H 2

Ok, first of all, no offence..

A man was walking in the park and saw a guy sitting under a tree crying. The guy walks up to him and asked why was he so sad. The gay guy said, "My lover, a guy just died of AIDS and this is the tree where we made love for the first time. I have the ashes and I want to sprinkle them under the tree but I can't seem to do it."

The guy said, "Look I feel so bad for you that I will do it. I will even say a little sermon." The gay guy agreed.

The guy started his sermon, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if you would of stuck with girls, you would still be with us..."

2006-12-04 07:33:58 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-04 07:29:03 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

2006-12-04 07:24:55 · 32 answers · asked by Rock 2

I'm being honest when I say this made me laugh..

Jack and Dan work together and are good friends while at work. Outside of work they live different lives. One day, Jack and Dan are in the breakroom relaxing and drinking coffee when Jack asks
"Hey Dan can I ask you a personal question?"

"It depends, how personal?"

"Not very. Just wondering if you keep any secrets from your wife?"

"Oh no. I tell my wife everything."

"Really. Then let me ask you this. If you went camping in the woods. You got all drunk and passed out, and in the morning you woke up with scrapes all on your knees and hands. And coming out of your butt was a used condom! Would you tell your wife that?"

"Hell no!" Yelled Dan

"Okay fair enough.. (Pauses a few seconds) Hey Dan, Wanna go camping?"

(No, Emzie, I don't like bum sex.. Eww..) lol..

2006-12-04 07:22:23 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time a man was lying down dead. There was a gun beside him. One bullet has been shot. The mans death was caused by the bullet but there are no marks on him. How did this happen?

2006-12-04 07:19:19 · 15 answers · asked by Rabi C 1

The wheelchair floats to the top!

2006-12-04 07:16:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a nun that needed a ride so she waved down a taxi. The driver pulled up and took the nun where she needed to go. During the ride the man said to the nun, "You're pretty hot, for a nun!"

The nun thanked the man by asking him if he'd like to have sex with her. He agreed and the nun said, "only under one condition, you mustn't be married, you mustn't have kids, and it must be anal sex!" So the two people got out and had anal sex for hours and did not stop for anything (once you pop the fun don't stop... til one of you gets tired!) After they were sweaty enough, they got in the cab and continued driving!

The man got very guilty and told the nun that he was married and had two kids! The nun said, "That's ok because my name is Bob and I'm on my way to a costume party!"

Ewww o_O

2006-12-04 07:08:16 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a City cop on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little boy said, "He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $20 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.
"The young boy looked up at the cop and said "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse not on top."

2006-12-04 07:00:28 · 18 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

it went for a shite and buried itself

2006-12-04 06:56:47 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's only a joke don't forget.. I'm not trying to offend anyone.. ;-)

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too! Another drink!'

Just then a guy comes in and asks the bartender what's happening.. "Nothing.." replies the bartender.. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again.

2006-12-04 06:53:50 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

He left his foot on the clutch!

2006-12-04 06:48:53 · 14 answers · asked by First Ascent 4 Thistle 7

One evening, as Betsy walked up to the house and noticed her grandfather sitting in the porch swing. He was naked from the waist down.
She quickly looked away and said "Grandpa, what are you doing out here in the cold without your pants!"
Grandpa growled, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's bright idea."

2006-12-04 06:48:40 · 15 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied... "The balcony."

2006-12-04 06:39:45 · 26 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

what do you call a welshman with a sheep under each arm?

a pimp.
lol

2006-12-04 06:39:18 · 5 answers · asked by cheekkkychik 2

whats the odd one out?a toaster,a washing machine,a fridge freezer or a woman?anwser a toaster its the only one that dosen't leak when its f****d

2006-12-04 06:39:10 · 15 answers · asked by DAVID C 2

if you look in magazine ads for watches, more than 80% have 10:10 as the hour, any ideas on why is this?

2006-12-04 06:35:54 · 12 answers · asked by eliaszaga 2

1. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

2. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

3. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

4. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

5. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

6. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

7. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

8. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

10. So uh, you on the take or what?

11. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

12. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

13. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

14. Officer, could you hold my beer so I can get my lisence out.

2006-12-04 06:31:58 · 17 answers · asked by eeyoree rocks2003 7

A blonde walks into a bar and goes straight into the toilets. She comes out and starts flirting with the barman. First she runs her hand's down his shirt, then she gently caresses his hair and beard, then she puts two of her fingers in the barman's mouth to suck.
She then walks out of the bar and calls back
"pass on a message to the manager, the ladies is out of toilet roll"

2006-12-04 06:30:34 · 17 answers · asked by Rubber * Duckie 4

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him naked and leaves.

Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark naked, and asks, "What happened to you?"

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says, "This just ain't gonna be your day."

2006-12-04 06:30:06 · 18 answers · asked by mefussa 2