Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

THE RULES

The Female always makes THE RULES.
THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.
If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
The Female is never wrong.
If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
The Female can change her mind at any time.
The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.
The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

2006-12-04 11:48:10 · 17 answers · asked by al p 3

Its his first day, and he's cleaning out the fishpond. He puts the wrong detergent in, and the fish start rising to the surface. "Oh sht!", he thought, im gonna get fired. "How do I hide all these dead fish?". "I know, the lions will eat em, they eat everything!" So he scrapes em up and throws them into the lions den.
The keepers next task is to feed the chimps. He got the bucket of food, threw it in and spanked a chimp on the head, killing it. "What am I gonna do?" He thought again, "ahh the lions!"
So he threw the dead chimp into the lions den.
His next task was to get the honey from the bees. This also didnt go well, the bees started stinging him, and the keeper retaliated with his stick smashing and squshing all the bees into a pulp. again, threw them into the lions den.

The next day, the zoo obtained a new lion from another zoo. He says to the other lions, "whats the food like here?"
One of the other lions says "great, yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees!"

2006-12-04 11:47:24 · 4 answers · asked by Tempo 2

a man goes down to breakfast one morning in a hotel, another man is sat by a table, the man sat at the table looks very distressed and scared
"did you know the devil is in this hotel?" said the distressed man to the other hotel guest.
"What makes you say that?" asks the guest
"Last night I was taking a wee in the bathroom, and when i went in there, the Devil turned the light on for me, when I finished, the Devil turned the light off again!"
The mans wife then looks disgusted at him and says
"You've been urinating in the fridge again, haven't you, you dirty pig!"

2006-12-04 11:46:04 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

One morning Nelson Mandella was drinking his coffee and reading his paper when there was a knock at the door. He answered it to find a Chinese dilivery man holding out a clipboard shouting 'You sign, you sign, you sign!'

'I haven't ordered anything, go away,' he replied, and shut the door. A while later he looked out of his window and noticed that there was a large container sitting on his lawn. He went out and opened it up, only to be surrounded up to his waist by a pile of car exhausts.

The next day he was having his coffee when the same Chinese man knocked at the door, shouting 'You sign, you sign, you sign'.

'Go away, and take that container with you!' Nelson said, and slammed the door in his face. A while later he looked out of his window and saw that there was now two containers sitting on his lawn. He went out and opened the new one up, only to be surrounded to the waist by a pile of car wheels.

The next day the Chinese man knocked on the door again, and when Nelson answered, he shouted 'You sign, you sign, you sign!'

'Look,' he said, 'Bugger off, and take these containers with you! Who are you supposed to be dilivering to anyway, because I haven't ordered this stuff!'

The chinese man waddles off to his truck, and returns with another clipboard. He runs his finger down it, and says 'Nissan Main Dealer'.

2006-12-04 11:40:28 · 11 answers · asked by Rock 2

2006-12-04 11:37:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman: "No."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barrman: "No."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, we have no bread."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, we haven't got any f*cking bread."

Duck: "Got any bread?"

Barman: "No, are you deaf? We haven't got any f*cking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*cking beak to the bar you irritating b*stard of a f*cking bird!"

Duck: "Got any nails?"

Barman:"No"

Duck: "Got any bread?

2006-12-04 11:33:11 · 24 answers · asked by Rock 2

I'm having trouble inserting a suppository on my 'recipient' because he keeps clenching his cheeks.

is there any way to get him to stop or loosen up? i already tried to ask him to relax. his (my sons) doctor said he must have a suppository atleast once every 2 days for the next week and a half.

Also what position is the best and how can I minimize the whole humiliating factor? Any way to put clothing not fully down?

2006-12-04 11:30:35 · 4 answers · asked by Marissa 1

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Brian, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”

The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom, and I’m St Peter”.

Brian was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family….you’ve got to send me back Straight away”. St Peter replied “Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.

We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. “This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.

“Never” replies Brian “Well just relax and let it happen”

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense! feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him…ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting…

“Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you’ve **** in the bed”

2006-12-04 11:29:17 · 21 answers · asked by Rock 2

THERE WAS A BRUNETT JUMPING IN AND OUT OF THE TRAIN TRACKS YELLING 13, 13, 13!!! A LITTLE WHILE LATER, A DUMB BLONDE CAME ALONG AND STARTED DOING THE SAME THING. THEY WERE BOTH YELLING 13,13,13 UNTIL A TRAIN IS HEARD OFF IN THE DISTANCE. THE BRUNETTE HEARS IT AND GETS OFF THE TRACKS. BUT THE DUMB BLONDE DOESN'T AND GETS HIT BY THE TRAIN. WHEN THE TRAIN PASSES, THYE BRUNETTE GETS BACK ON THE TRACKS JUMPING IN AND OUT OF THEM REPETEDLY YELLING 14,14,14!!!!!!!

2006-12-04 11:28:50 · 19 answers · asked by Christian Z 1

wats 3+-12+-8=

2006-12-04 11:28:00 · 4 answers · asked by keishajackson13 1

Lizard Birthing

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into His bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. and then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs

2006-12-04 11:25:36 · 17 answers · asked by ♥ gina ♥ 4

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

2006-12-04 11:22:08 · 27 answers · asked by Rock 2

2006-12-04 11:14:49 · 22 answers · asked by raymond r 1

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

'Billy.'

'And what is your question, Billy?

'I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?'

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.

'Steve'

'And what is your question, Steve?'

'I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the f... happened to Billy?'

2006-12-04 11:14:32 · 30 answers · asked by Rock 2

A giraffe eating cherrys!!! (tis old but hey its late)

2006-12-04 11:10:10 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Pope arrives in NYC for an important UN meeting. His flight is delayed, so he has only 15 minutes to get from JFK airport to the UN building. A car had of course has been arranged to pick him up -- he is, after all, the Pope.

The Pope tells the driver of his predicament, but the driver says that he will not violate the speed limit. So the Pope says "OK, OK, get in the back, I'll drive." The Pope floors it, weaving through traffic like a madman. Inevitably, even for the Pope, he sees flashing lights behind him, and has to pull over. The officer takes one look in the window, turns pale, and slowly walks back to his squad car.

He calls up his superior officer, and tells him "I just pulled this guy over for speeding, but I can't give him a ticket."

"Well, why not?"

"He's too important"

"Well, who is it? The mayor? Did you pull over the mayor?"

"No, no, no. Much more important than that."

"Well, was it Donald Trump?"

"No, no, no. Much more important than that."

"Was it the president? Please tell me you did not pull over the president of the United States."

"No, no, no. Much more important than than."

By this time, the superior officer is completely flabbergasted. He yelled "Well, then who the hell did you pull over?!"

To which the policeman nervously replied "Well, I don't know, but he's got the Pope for a driver!"

2006-12-04 11:08:10 · 8 answers · asked by Rock 2

cause all the witches ate it all.

2006-12-04 11:05:05 · 5 answers · asked by ashley 1

I originally started to do this when I couldn't find a pillow but I had a bag of defrosted meatballs, so I drunkenly feel asleep on them.

When I woke up in the morning, I had eaten all 60 meatballs, but the weirdest thing was, I felt better and more rested that I ever had before.

I've been doing this for about two months now, but I'm running out of money from buying about 12 dollars worth of meatballs just to fall asleep everyday.

Is there a reason why I sleep so much better when unconciously eating red meat and onions ?

Is there anything I can smoke or take to fall asleep better than eating meat balls?

2006-12-04 11:04:13 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

They don't understand women and will spend half their life confused and the other half paying alimony.

Anyone agree?

2006-12-04 11:03:46 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

both like a tight seal.........

2006-12-04 10:56:00 · 11 answers · asked by jules t 2

I'm helping other people stay skinny. According to the laws of physics, the weight in the universe is constant. This means that if I lose weight, someone else must gain that weight. By staying fat, I'm just helping other people stay in shape. Wouldn't want me giving you my fat, would you? Hmm?

2006-12-04 10:52:53 · 14 answers · asked by Fat Bastard 2

whats the difference between sin and shame.

its a sin to put it in and a shame to pull it out...

2006-12-04 10:49:08 · 13 answers · asked by chris w. 7

because he did not have a body.

2006-12-04 10:47:14 · 8 answers · asked by ashley 1

Because all the people the mexicans that can jump climb and swim are already over the border. haha

2006-12-04 10:45:20 · 7 answers · asked by i need stafford 1

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a man she didn't know. She thought this guy was amazing,so much her dream guy, that she believed him to be
just that! She fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and couldn't find him. A few days later she killed her sister.


Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?
(Give this some thought before you answer).





Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.
Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

2006-12-04 10:42:22 · 10 answers · asked by wdaz 3

cuz i don't know where to buy a pornograph!

2006-12-04 10:39:35 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The pilot, you racist!!!

2006-12-04 10:37:14 · 27 answers · asked by nitenurse 3

PENECILIN,,,,,

2006-12-04 10:27:37 · 4 answers · asked by blu.boy 2

You are in a room filled with 100 percent methane gas. What would happen if you struck a match?

2006-12-04 10:21:41 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-04 10:12:15 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous