Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

2006-12-04 06:29:38 · 15 answers · asked by Atheist 4 Jesus 2

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''

2006-12-04 06:28:20 · 10 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favored to win nationals easily. Penelope, a sixteen-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says,

"Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."

"What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"

She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."

2006-12-04 06:26:45 · 15 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

No, neither has he!

2006-12-04 06:25:32 · 15 answers · asked by First Ascent 4 Thistle 7

I know this is old but it still makes me laugh..

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat!"

Little Johnny replied. "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Well sonny, did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own f*cking business!"

2006-12-04 06:25:15 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is out drinking all night and finally comes home, three sheets to the wind, holding a sheep under his arm. He can't even let himself in, so he starts pounding on the door. His wife, very furious at him, answers the door and demands to know where he's been all night.

The drunk man says, "I just wanted you to see the pig that I've been sleeping with!"

His wife says, "You idiot, you're so drunk that you don't even know that thats a sheep"

The man says "I was talking to the sheep!"

2006-12-04 06:24:56 · 4 answers · asked by thuglife 5

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

2006-12-04 06:24:09 · 13 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

A priest falls on hard times and is forced to sell his beloved horse. He explains to the new owner, a blonde "Remember now, you say, "Praise the Lord" to go and "Amen" to stop."

"Okay, I've got it!" the blonde says, and says, "Giddap" to no result. "Oh yeah, Praise the Lord" she says, and the horse starts off. This is nice, but I'd like to go a bit faster, she says to herself, so she says, "Praise the Lord" again, and goes a bit faster. This continues a few more times until she is running along very fast. There is a cliff ahead.

"Stop, Whoa, Stop, Oh yeah, Amen!!!!!"

The horse stops an inch from the edge of the cliff.

The blonde wipes her brow and sighs, "Praise the Lord".

2006-12-04 06:22:40 · 10 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."

Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"

2006-12-04 06:16:39 · 11 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

There were 2 guys that were going to a costume party for Halloween, but it was a themed party. You had to come dressed as an emotion. For instance, one woman had worn all pink with a feather boa and she was "tickled pink".

Well the host of the party answers the door to see these 2 men standing there both stark naked. One had his penis in a bowl of custard and the other had a pear on his penis. The host is outraged and says "Don't you known this is an emotion costume party? You're not dressed up"

One of the men says "Oh to the contrary, we are dressed as emotions. I am f@#$ing disgusted and my friend has come in despair."

2006-12-04 06:15:53 · 4 answers · asked by thuglife 5

A husband comes home from work on Friday and says to his wife "you got three choices and have to chose one. You can go camping with me this weekend, give me a bl*wjob, or take it up the a*s".
Wife thinks and replies: "I hate camping with you. Getting f*cked up the a*s hurts. So I will give you a bl*wjob". Hubby says:"Great!" and drops his pants. His wife starts blowing him. About 20 seconds after she stops, looks up at him and says: "Your dick tastes like dog sh*t!". He replies: "Well, honey, you see, our dog didn't want to go camping either".

2006-12-04 06:11:46 · 24 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

• Every tear is a sign of brokenness, every silence is a sign of loneliness, every smile is a sign of kindness, every SMS is a sign of rememberance. Miss U!

• Your absence should be long enough so that somebody misses u, it shouldn't be so long that somebody finds out that how well he can do without u...!

• A raindrop may luk 2 small 2 eyes but sumwhere a thirsty flower await its fall. A sms may seem 2 small but sumwhere a heart remembers u when it receives ur sms. Keep SMS'ing.

• What makes a frindship special is the way each one remembers the other when they are apart. They miss the talks, the laughs n the time they spent together. Life changes, memories don't. I miss U.

• Message: * some text missing* Sender:* Name Missing * *Number Missing *Sent: * Date missing * Missing U a lot thats y everything is missing.

• As I watched the ants crawl up the wall, I noticed that no matter how busy they r, they still communicate with each other. Hope we'll be like them, in touch always.

• What makes some people dearer is not just the happiness that we feel when we meet them but the emptiness we feel when they are not around us. I Miss U!

• A simple Bye make us cry, A simple Joke make us laugh, simple Care make us fall in love. I hope my simple SMS make you think of me. I Miss U

• Memories play a confusing role. They make u laugh when u remember the time u cried together! But make u cry when u remember the time u laughed together.

• What makes some people Dearer? It's not just the happiness that u feel when u meet them but the pain u feel, when u miss them. Miss U

2006-12-04 06:10:38 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

You come to a two way fork in the road and in the center is a house. A set of identical twins lives in the house. One is a pathological liar, the other only tells the truth. One road leads to riches the other to disaster. The twins will only open the door once and answer one question. What question will lead you down the right road?

2006-12-04 06:07:46 · 16 answers · asked by me 2

A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.

"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.

"This is it," replied his wife.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.

"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on."

The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.

"I am a fire alarm," he replied.

"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.

"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come."

2006-12-04 06:06:48 · 11 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A man and a woman met at a bar. They started getting along really well and they decide to go to her place for a drink.

Some drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands.

The woman looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist."

Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Why yes! That's amazing; how did you know that?"

The woman replied, "Real easy. You keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another, and they go to bed.

After the lovemaking, the woman remarked, "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The doctor was very surprised, and said, "Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist. Wow! You amaze me! And how did you know THAT sweetheart?"

The woman says: "Easy. I didn't feel a thing."

2006-12-04 06:06:15 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-04 05:59:44 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

One time this guy went to a bar to hang out with some friends. After a few drinks, he decides that he should start heading home because he didn't want his wife to know he'd been drinking, and more so, wanted not to barf all over himself. So he tells his freinds he's gonna go home, but they say "No man! come on, just have one more, if you throw up, i'll give you 10 bucks and you can just say it was the guy next to you." So he took one more drink and ended up throwing up all over himself. so he goes home and sees his wife sitting on the couch and she sees him with the puke all over his shirt. immediately he says, "Hey don't worry, it was the guy next to me and he gave me 10 bucks to spend on a new shirt. so his wife reaches in his pocket and pulls out the money. "But this is only a 20 dollar bill. I thought he gave you 10?" "I know, He crapped in my pants too."

2006-12-04 05:56:20 · 5 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

2006-12-04 05:55:24 · 9 answers · asked by joehorse 1

A business man was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to
hospital. Just before he was put under,the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news " says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"The good news, I have another one to replace it, but it's a womans arm!"
"Carry on" says the man."As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and 6 months later the business man was out on the
golf course and he bumped into the surgeon who opperated on him.
"Hi, hows the arm?" askes the surgeon.
"Great" says the business man. "My golf has improved and my handicap is
down, but every time I go for a piss, the bloody thing wont let go!!"

2006-12-04 05:54:28 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

2006-12-04 05:54:22 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-04 05:41:38 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

One theory is that they so much built-up rage..

Two: They thought this man was white because of his light complexion and straight black hair, and this is a Hate Crime and not a perceived Black on black crime.

Let solve this mystery.

2006-12-04 05:37:25 · 5 answers · asked by Sports Maven 1

Ok people.. This is the battle of the lame jokes.. Tell me at max 2 of your lamest jokes.. And the lamest wins.. Simple.. But it has got to make sense don't forget..

Racist jokes or any other form of discriminative jokes are ok as long as it's only a joke and you make that statement clear..

Here's one.. 'Why did the turtle cross the road..? To get to the Shell Station..' and the riddle/joke I said was lame, in my previous question..

2006-12-04 05:34:14 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "If neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes.
"Hey, what the hell is happening?!?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little f--ker!"

2006-12-04 05:30:22 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

And he asks the bartender for a cup of hot water.
The bartender says, "Hey, you're a vampire. I thought you only drank blood!"
The Vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea today".

2006-12-04 05:19:52 · 11 answers · asked by Joe Somebody 6

http://new.photos.yahoo.com/slideshow?view=album&c=chris_in_mainz&albumID=576460762310430386&phdone=http%3A%2F%2Fnew.photos.yahoo.com%2Fchris_in_mainz%2Falbum%2F576460762310430386&.beg=1

2006-12-04 05:17:02 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

question:- what do woman and banks have in common, answer:-when you make a withdrawl you lose interest lol

2006-12-04 05:15:33 · 2 answers · asked by DAVID C 2

• Go on. Add some variety to your sex life... Use the other hand!

• Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?

• My wife and I finally became sexually compatible...We achieve simultaneous headaches.

• When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the *** of reason goes unwiped.

• Nature invented sex as a reward for letting go of childhood.

• The definition of an optimist is a woman who loads up the CD changer before making love.

• Viagra now available in powder to put in tea, does nothing for erections but stops your biscuit from going soft.

• Money is just like ****... Everybody has it, but nobody wants to give it !

2006-12-04 05:09:48 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Farting in a public bathroom that amplfiles the sound.
Farting in a public bathroom that amplflies the smell.

2006-12-04 05:08:01 · 13 answers · asked by diamondg4u2c 3

Licking 500 payphones.
Licking a toilet rim at a gas station.
??????

2006-12-04 05:06:32 · 11 answers · asked by diamondg4u2c 3