Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had

2006-12-04 01:52:45 · 17 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

1. Due to a power cut only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3 year old girl to hold the flashlight over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed thre yeear old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place ..........smack his **** again.

2. Clumsy ? Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding 2 bottles of bleach, then unrinating into it before jumping in.

2006-12-04 01:46:53 · 10 answers · asked by JillPinky 7

2006-12-04 01:44:37 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because he only empties his sack once a year!

2006-12-04 01:41:58 · 24 answers · asked by Sir Sidney Snot 6

2006-12-04 01:40:46 · 7 answers · asked by Alyosha 4

not just tee hee ha ha but seriously hilarious.
Please share.

2006-12-04 01:30:33 · 6 answers · asked by Dude 2

and because its monday, why are all of us, the pathetic lozers, online at yahoo insted of school or work? i just need a funny excuse to cheer me up, im sick.(cough cough)

2006-12-04 01:19:58 · 12 answers · asked by star42430 5

give some really nice jokes. Jokes not as that person went there and this happened and hahaha.
I want the modern style jokes. Like some letters written to people with alot of mistakes, ads published with mistakes, reasons for whatevr, smoking is good becuz.its bad bcuz......... You get it? This type of jokes

2006-12-04 01:10:22 · 6 answers · asked by Faizan 1

I have a story to tell about a santa clause at Time Square. It was my birthday and I went to Time Square to go shop and stuff. It was me my friends my dad and my aunt and uncle. So im headed to the eb games store right and i head up the escalader and see santa clause like any other santa clause asking kids what they want for christmas. it was real late at night so he was almost finished for the day. after i come out of the ebgames store i head to the store next to it. some hat store and i go look around. on my way to the hat store santa only had 2 more people in line. so i went in the hat store and then came out like 5 minutes later. we were heading home. so heading to the escalader i saw santa was gone so i was like o i guess he was done for that night. so were on the escalator heading down and i look to my right and guess what i see.............santa is out side of victoria secret with a camcorder camera video taping the undergarmets. this dude turned and looked at us and SMILED. :D

2006-12-04 01:08:03 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I need a good laugh. I don't care if they're dirty or not.

2006-12-04 01:05:14 · 6 answers · asked by SHELTIELUVER 3

1.A very loud, unattractive hard faced woman walks into Tesco with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says "Good morning and welcome to Tesco, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?" The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl "Of course they bloody aren't, one is nine, the other is seven. Why the hell do you think they 're twins? ....Do they look alike, you d******d!" "Absolutely not" replies the greeter "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!
2. Always poo at work, not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
3. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator !
4. Don,t buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms. Just buy ordinary ones and slip a handful of frozen peas inside before you slip it on.
5. High blood pressure sufferers. Simly cut yourself and bleed for a while thus reducing pressure in your veins.

2006-12-04 00:50:28 · 22 answers · asked by JillPinky 7

thanks

2006-12-04 00:48:07 · 12 answers · asked by Cletus T 1

a man worked for a high security institution ,and one day he went into work only to find that he could not log into his computer terminal. his passwordwouldn't work.then he remembered that the passwords are reset every month for security purposes.so he went to his boss and they had this conversation: men-"Hey boss,my password is out of date." Boss- "yes,that's right.the password is different,but if you listen carefully you should be able to figure out the new one:it has the same amount of letters as your old password,but only four of the letters are the same."man:"thanks boss."with that,he went and correctly logged inti his station.what was the new password? BONUS:what was the old password?"

2006-12-04 00:47:17 · 10 answers · asked by noni 1

A woman decides that she has had enough of being a closet wife and discusses this with her friend. “What I’m going to do is take golf lessons, then challenge him to a game of golf and beat the f*cking crap out of him. Then he’ll have more respect for me”. She says. Her mate agreed, so off she went to the local golf club. After a few lessons things were not going right and the Golf Pro was getting a bit frustrated. She couldn’t hit the ball no matter how hard she tried. Eventually the Golf Pro said, “Look lady I know you’re trying really hard but the technique seems to be above your head, you can’t hold the club properly no matter how much time I spend instructing you. Try this, hold the club like you hold you old mans c*ck”. With this information she picked up the club and drove the ball 250 yards. The Golf Pro was amazed then said “That was fantastic, now take the club out of your mouth and we’ll try again”………

2006-12-04 00:36:05 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Oak and hazel are my aunts,
though I am not their kin.
My cousin grows in pod on vine;
I often have a twin.
My shape is like the sands of time
contained within a glass.
I have no legs, instead a shell;
I dwell beneath the grass

2006-12-04 00:35:39 · 21 answers · asked by slider 1

A MAN GOES TO THE DOCTORS.and says doc i have a problem?My girlfriend is sleeping over this friday, my ex wife is sleeping over this saturday,and my wife is coming home sunday, i need 3 viagra pills to satisfy all 3 of them..The doctor says you know 3 viagra pills,3nights in a row,is pretty dangerous or a man of your age..I will give them to you on the condition you return to my office on monday so i can check you out...The man says you have a deal doc, monday morning he returns with his arm in a sling,, the doc says what happened,,the man answers nobody showed up?

2006-12-04 00:25:07 · 18 answers · asked by madmarie35 3

Bill Jones decided that he wanted to run for senator much to his wife’s chagrin, but he persisted, even though it was without his wife’s backing. It was a long campaign and he was elected in. He eventually arrived home after a very hard party and called his wife when he entered the house. “Is that you Bill?” shouted down his wife. Proud as a cockerel he shouted up ‘No its Senator Jones’. To which she replied “well, you’d better hurry up as my husband will be home soon”

2006-12-04 00:24:02 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

2006-12-04 00:15:24 · 20 answers · asked by GS 3

Its a riddle that has me stumped. HELP!!!

2006-12-04 00:15:17 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

a nun was sitting on a bus with a man in front of her eating a bag of prawns. He would eat the prawn he would throw the head of it behind him and hit the nun with it, the nun threw them out the window evertime. The man then turned around and said to the nun "you know you can get fined up to €1000 for littering !" the nun replied and said "But when i cry rape and they smell your fingers you'll get 10 years jail!!!

2006-12-04 00:07:57 · 16 answers · asked by Metal up ur ass 2

The Afterlife
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform
the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there
was no
afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to
his
word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast,
off to
the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have
sex
twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then
sex
pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then
have
sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Basildon."

2006-12-03 23:58:13 · 17 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

Murphy calls round to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg

Paddy says"Me feet are freezing,could you nip upstairs and get me slippers"

"No bother" says murphy

He runs upstairs and see's Paddy's gorgeous twin daughters sitting on their beds

"Hello girls your dad sent me up here to sh@g yer both"

"Feck off ya liar" they said

"I'll prove it" says Murphy

So he shouts down to Paddy

"Both of them Pat"

He replies

"Whats the use in fcuking one"

2006-12-03 23:56:28 · 23 answers · asked by carshalton70 3

A man who had been dating his girlfriend for ages, finally gets invited to meet her parents. On his way to the meeting, the man realises he is suffering with chronic wind. On his arrival, ushered into the lounge and introduced to the girls mother, who is sat on the sofa. He sits next to her father who is sat in a chair by the family dog, Bruno. Minutes into the meeting, the man felt his stomach rumble, and realises he is going to fart. The inevitable happens and he lets out a loud, smelly one. Feeling mortified, the father then shouts: "Bruno! Get away from that man!" The man is so relieved. A while later, the man feels the familiar rumbling in his stomach, and out came another loud, smelly one. Once again, the father yells: "Bruno! Get away from that man!" And once again, the man feels a comfort in his reprieve. After a time, the man lets out the loudest, smelliest fart ever. The father then shouts: For God's sake Bruno, get away from that man before he sh*ts all over you!

2006-12-03 23:50:55 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

LITTLE FLAB !!

One morning while making breakfast,
a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said...
If you firmed this up, we could get rid of
your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable,
she kept silent .

The next morning,
the man woke his wife with
a pinch on each of her breasts
and said....
You know, if you firmed these up,
we could get rid of your bra."


This was
beyond

a silent response...

So she rolled over
and
grabbed him
by his
'DANGLER.'

With a death grip in place,
she said...
You know,
if you
firmed this up,
we could
get rid of
the gardener ,
the postman ,
the pool man
and
your brother

2006-12-03 23:47:56 · 18 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

In my worl, we have cheese but no bread, we have a zipper but no pants, teeth but no mouth, a phonebook but no phones? What do i have in my world that no one else has?

2006-12-03 23:47:24 · 3 answers · asked by skimboardergal6 3

A Leisure Center!

2006-12-03 23:43:26 · 15 answers · asked by Sir Sidney Snot 6

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well , Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.

2006-12-03 23:41:55 · 15 answers · asked by GS 3

The moterpike and sidecarp

2006-12-03 23:36:44 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Due to the sad state of my love life,i have converted to Islam
My new name is Seldom Bin Layed

2006-12-03 23:32:46 · 18 answers · asked by carshalton70 3

Look up his kilt and if he's got two Quarter Pounders he's a McDonald!

2006-12-03 23:29:03 · 13 answers · asked by Sir Sidney Snot 6