Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

to heaven,a wk later god re-appears & asks him how its going,man says the fags & drink were easy to give up but when my wife bent over to take the meat out of the freezer i could'nt resist i had to give her one there & then,god says oh they dont like that sort of thing in heaven, man replys they dont like it much in tesco either...

2006-12-03 23:26:49 · 23 answers · asked by firefly08 2

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

2006-12-03 23:25:45 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-03 23:24:30 · 6 answers · asked by Hugh M 2

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all,

2006-12-03 23:23:03 · 13 answers · asked by GS 3

A woman was walking through the park when a gorgeous, naked man ran past, followed closely by two nurses and another carrying a bucket of sand. Just behind her was another nurse with two buckets of sand and totally breathless. Panting and clutching her sides she stopped. The woman was curious and asked what was going on. ‘That man, he’s a patient, he’s being treated for an insatiable sexual appetite’, the nurse explained, ‘but at least once a week he escapes from the hospital and we’re trying to catch him’. The woman nodded and said “Oh I understand that, but why the two buckets of sand?” ‘Well’ said the nurse, ‘This is my handicap as I caught him last time’

2006-12-03 23:20:30 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fcuking his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."

2006-12-03 23:19:12 · 9 answers · asked by GS 3

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

2006-12-03 23:17:34 · 15 answers · asked by skimboardergal6 3

A muslim woman knocked on my door last night, i never opened the door i just talked to her through the letter box to see how she f*ckin likes it.

2006-12-03 23:05:02 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondant noted that since the fall of the taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality. 'No', the man replied. 'Land-mines.'

2006-12-03 23:02:42 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A burglar broke into a house and was rifling through the drawers when he heard a voice behind him….. ‘Jesus is watching you’…. Alarmed he spun around but there was nobody there so he carried on. Again he heard a voice…. ‘Jesus is watching you’… this goes on for five minutes when out of the corner of his eye he spies a parrot sitting in a cage in a darkened corner. “I see” he laughed, “so your Jesus”. ‘No I’m Polly’ says the parrot ‘Jesus is the Rottweiler standing by the door’…..

2006-12-03 22:56:39 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

But whatever you do don't change your hair colour.
Q. A blonde and a brunette jump of a building. Who hits the bottom first?
A.The brunette. The blonde would need to stop for directions.

But just a little bit of festive fun, One snowman turns to the other and asks 'Can you smell Carrots?'

2006-12-03 22:53:26 · 13 answers · asked by eddie7324 1

Guy driving along one day, takes a short cut to beat the traffic, the road starts to narrow and eventually becomes a single track road. He suddenly has to brake real hard as a chicken runs across the road in front of him. But he has to look again as this was no ordinary chicken… the bastard had three legs. He follows as best he could and the chicken leads him to a farm. As he drives into the farmyard the old farmer says “can I help you? You look lost”. ‘You are not gonna believe this’ says the man ‘but I’ve just seen a three legged chicken’ “Ahh yes” says the farmer, “them, you see its like this , I have a son, a wife and me and we all like a drumstick with our Sunday dinner, so we bred three legged chickens”, ‘What do they taste like’ says the man. “F*ck knows” says the farmer, “we’ve never yet caught one”.

2006-12-03 22:37:54 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Vegetarians coming to dinner ? - simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, quorn, meat substitute etc. 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

2. Invited by vegetarians to dinner ? Point out that since you'd no doubt be aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours and ask for a nice steak.

3. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up, at the end of a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.

4. Nissan Micra drivers. Before starting a long journey attach a lighted sparkler to the top of your roof. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one

5. A mouse trap placed on the top of your alarm clock will prevent you from turning over and going back to sleep.

6. AVOID parking tickets by turning your windscreen wipers to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally

2006-12-03 22:37:16 · 15 answers · asked by JillPinky 7

1. Vegetarians coming to dinner ? - simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, quorn, meat substitute etc. 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

2. Invited by vegetarians to dinner ? Point out that since you'd no doubt be aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours and ask for a nice steak.

3. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up, at the end of a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.

4. Nissan Micra drivers. Before starting a long journey attach a lighted sparkler to the top of your roof. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one

5. A mouse trap placed on the top of your alarm clock will prevent you from turning over and going back to sleep.

6. AVOID parking tickets by turning your windscreen wipers to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegall

2006-12-03 22:34:18 · 15 answers · asked by JillPinky 7

He was overcome with emulsion!

2006-12-03 22:33:21 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

what starts with E and ends with E

and only has one letter




an ENVELOPE

2006-12-03 22:28:28 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

ladies do not marry a tennis player

why




























love means nothing to them

2006-12-03 22:25:54 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

We going to have contest until the next Monday

the rule:
please keep it polite

2006-12-03 22:24:59 · 9 answers · asked by hani h 2

I want to make up anonline brain teaser for my boyfriend to make him feel bad about seeing a female friend behind my back... any ideas how i can incorporate the two?

2006-12-03 22:21:05 · 3 answers · asked by Panda Baby 3

this dog is dog a dog good dog way dog to dog keep dog an dog idiot dog busy dog for dog 20 dog seconds dog













































now read it without the word dog

2006-12-03 22:20:00 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Whats as tall as a house
Round as a cup
and all the king's horses cant draw it up?

Hint: Dont read this at face value.

2006-12-03 22:18:42 · 8 answers · asked by clomtancy 5

What does geting head by a 80 year old woman and walking across the grand canyon on a tight rope have in common

2006-12-03 22:16:47 · 3 answers · asked by clomtancy 5

how many chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb










thousands





because confusius says many hands make light work

2006-12-03 22:15:47 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

why is it considered necessary to nail down a coffin





























are they dead /??????????????

2006-12-03 22:12:40 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please excuse any censoring but i'm sure it wont let me write everything.

An american soldier is in france training with the french army.One day he is siting with one of them and is trying to find out what the man does in the way of duties. Problem is that he cant speak very much french and the other guy cant speak english very well. So to speak he decides to use hand signals.

"Are you a paratrooper?" He uses a hand to show a parachute and the other to show the ground. the guy just shrugs his shoulders.

"are you a infantry soldier?" he uses two fingers to show a guy walking. again a shrug.

"are you a gunner?" he holds his hands out and shakes. again a shrug

"are you a spy?" he forms binoculars with his hands, holds them to his eyes and lowers them. again a shrug.

the american gives up and walks away. a little while later the french soldier is talking with some friends, "Man those americans, they sure are fags.. One of them told me that tonight, when the sun goes down,

2006-12-03 22:00:24 · 3 answers · asked by clomtancy 5

Question: Name two vegetable that can make you cry? Ans: an onion and a turnip have you ever got a smack in the head with a turnip.

2006-12-03 21:57:27 · 6 answers · asked by chick douglas 3

Three friends check into a hotel for the night and the clerk
tells them the bill is $30, payable in advance. So, they
each pay the clerk $10 and go to their room. A few minutes later, the clerk realizes he has made an error and
overcharged the three by $5. He asks the bellhop to return
$5 to the three friends who had just checked in. The bellhop sees this as an opportunity to make $2 as he reasons that the three friends would have a tough time dividing $5 evenly among them; so he decides to tell them that the clerk made a mistake of only $3, giving a dollar back to each of the friends. He pockets the leftover $2 and goes home for the day! Now, each of the three friends gets a dollar back, thus they each paid $9 for the room which is a total of $27 for the night. We know the bellhop pocketed $2 and adding that to the $27, you get $29, not $30 which was originally spent.

Where did the other dollar go????

2006-12-03 21:57:19 · 10 answers · asked by confusedpsyguy 1

A man was just doing his job when his suit was torn. Why did he die three minutes later?

2006-12-03 21:48:22 · 12 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

This is an oldie but always liked it.

Back in the Soviet Union, two men are siting in Gorky Park talking. One of them had just gotten back from a trip to America. On the trip the group stopped at Disney world and he came back and told his friend all about it.

"They had everything.. Rides, attractions,and places with weird names: Tommorrow land, fantasy land, science land, and more.

The other man is so interested. "I wish we had all that here."

The first man laughs, "We do have that."

The other man looks around in wonder, "Where? I dont see it."

"Its called free open elections."

2006-12-03 21:47:43 · 3 answers · asked by clomtancy 5

Ow!!!

2006-12-03 21:45:54 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous