Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

...at a building site(they were all builders). Paddy Englishman opens his lunchbox and said "cheese sandwiches, cheese sandwiches, i always get cheese sandwiches, if i get a cheese sandwich tommorow I'll kill myself." Paddy Scotsman opened his lunchbox and said "cucumber sandwiches, cucumber sandwiches, i always get cucumber sandwiches, if I get another cucumber sandwich tommorow I'll kill myself." Paddy Irishman opened his lunchbox and said "ham sandwiches, ham sandwiches, i always get ham sandwiches, if I get another ham sandwich tommorow I'll kill myself." And sure enough they all got the same sandwiches so they all killed themselves. At their funerals they're wives started talking. Ms. Englishman said "if only i made him a different sandwich hed still be here!" Ms. Scotsman said the same. But them Ms Irishman said "I don't get it, Paddy Irishman always made his own lunch!!!!"

2006-12-03 21:44:19 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde is on her way to work one day when she passes a shop and sees a shinny object in the window. Curious about it, she walks in and questions the clerk.
"What is it?"
"Its a thermos"
"What does it do?"
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

So she buys it and takes it to work with her. A litttle while later her boss, another blonde walks by and sees the thermos.

"What is it?"
"Its a thermos"
"What does it do?"
"It keeps hot thigns hot and cold things cold"
"What do you have in it?"
"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle"

2006-12-03 21:44:00 · 9 answers · asked by clomtancy 5

Bin Laden has just given a T.V. interview..He said" To prove i am still alive Glasgow Rangers were total shite on Sunday........... Scotlands First Minister is Quoted as saying "That could have been recorded months ago"

2006-12-03 21:42:33 · 6 answers · asked by man with the golden gun 4

2006-12-03 21:41:50 · 3 answers · asked by purnima v 1

How do you know when a blonde sends a Fax?
Its got a stamp on it.................

Again, bit early for the cracker jokes......

2006-12-03 21:39:21 · 5 answers · asked by eddie7324 1

...you think one of them would've seen it!!!

2006-12-03 21:35:15 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do you know when a blonde has been on the computer??
Cos theres Tippex all over the screen.....

2006-12-03 21:17:34 · 7 answers · asked by missshortly 2

& every time they had sex the wife would make him pay for it. on their 20th yr of marriage the wife said" honey every time you paid for it, i save the money & here's our brand new house. I love you sugar. the husband took one look at the house & said" Damn baby if i'd known your were going to buy a house i would have given you ALL the business"

2006-12-03 21:02:51 · 6 answers · asked by harmony 4

What did one saggy boob say to the other?
" If we dont get some support soon , people will think we`re nuts......"

2006-12-03 21:01:14 · 24 answers · asked by missshortly 2

a man & a dog was standing @ a bus stop when a bum came up to them & asked" dude does your dog bite? oh no came the answer so the bum patted the dog on his head and the dog took a bite out the bum's hand. "dude i thought you said your dog didn't bite" the man smiled & said "that's not my dog"

2006-12-03 20:58:25 · 8 answers · asked by harmony 4

a pharmasist (sp?) went on vacation & left a young trainee in his wake. on the day he came back he saw a man moaning & leaning on the counter. what's wrong with him, he asked the trainee "well he came for a really bad cough but i couldn't find the cough syrup so i gave him a full bottle of laxative"
the pharmist was outraged are you nuts! you can't treat a cold with a laxative!!" but sir came the reply look at him he's cured cuz he's afraid to cough

2006-12-03 20:54:37 · 11 answers · asked by harmony 4

There were three blondes living together. Blonde #1 was coming back from grocery shopping, and she dropped her keys. She walked down the stairs to get them, and she said to herself, ''Am I going up the stairs or down the stairs?'' So, she stood there puzzled, the bags of groceries still in her hands. Blonde #2 was taking a bath, and was draining the tub because it was too cold. With her hair still dry, she said to herself, ''Was I getting in the tub or out of the tub?'' She stood there, just thinking about it. Blonde #3 was sitting in the living room in front of the coffee table, and she said to herself, ''Knock on wood I'm not as stupid as the other two!'' She knocked the table. ''Was that the front door or the back door?''

2006-12-03 20:43:08 · 11 answers · asked by Jadess 2

Pipers Piping MULTIPLIED BY Swans a Swimming ADD French Hens DIVIDED BY Lords a Leaping ADD Geese a Laying DIVIDED BY Turtle Doves ADD a Partridge in a Pear Tree this DIVIDED this total bythe amount of Calling Birds and MULTIPLY BY the Golden Rings ADD number of Ladies Dancing and ADD the Maids a Milking this total is MULTIPLIED BY the Pipers Piping ADD the Calling Birds and is MULTIPLIED BY half the amount of Lords a Leaping and MULTIPLIED BY the amount of Geese a Laying now ADD half the amount of Geese a Laying and then MULTIPLY BY the amount of Pipers Piping and DIVIDE by the French Hens and then MULTIPLY BY the Drummers Drumming and this total is MULTIPLIED BY the Calling Birds. Please take this TOTAL A and SUBTRACT [ MINUS ] the following equation

( Christmas Day [ for example 25 ] x Boxing day + pipers piping + maids a milking + calling birds + ladies dancing + geese a laying x drummers drumming x lords a leaping + drummers drumming ) this TOTAL is B

Please subtract the TOTAL at B from the TOTAL at A and DIVIDE this answer by the amount of Geese a laying and the ANSWER is?

2006-12-03 20:37:39 · 8 answers · asked by JAYFIRE 4

There was a grandmother who had three grandsons. She wasn't sure all three loved her so she made up a test. She invited the first one for a walk by the lake, she fell in and the boy saved her. Next day he found a ferrari, a million dollars and a message "Thanks for saving me-your grandmother". Then she invited the second boy for a walk, she fell in the lake and he saved her. Next day he found a land rover, a million dollars and a message "Thanks for saving me-your grandmother". Then she invited the 3 boy for a walk, she fell in the lake but he didn't even see her. Unfortunately she died. Next day the boy found 5 cars 5 million dollars and a new house. Then he saw the message "Thanks for saving me. . .YOUR GRANDFATHER!"

2006-12-03 20:36:54 · 9 answers · asked by Jadess 2

2006-12-03 20:33:41 · 2 answers · asked by floeylovesjamie 1

2006-12-03 20:29:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The question will be answered at Savalas.TV - http://savalas.tv - if it isn't answered here first.

2006-12-03 20:03:39 · 20 answers · asked by Nicholas Savalas 1

The answer can be found at Savalas.TV - http://savalas.tv - if it isn't answered here first.

2006-12-03 19:58:21 · 16 answers · asked by Nicholas Savalas 1

Mangos are the only fruit that can read?

2006-12-03 19:16:37 · 20 answers · asked by markhatter 6

With the close of a year, many "resolve" to improve on their outlook for the new year.

Here are my Top 10 New Year's Resolutions:


1. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

5. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.

6. I am at one with my duality.

7. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

8. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

9. I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

10. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future.

2006-12-03 19:10:24 · 8 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company.

"Honey, if I lie, I'll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible."

His wife says, "I don't want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but . ."

"But, what?"

"Let me put it this way," his wife explained. "Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed."

Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, "How so?"

Mrs. Smith replies, "Just lie there 'til he goes away."

2006-12-03 19:06:39 · 9 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

Has anyone got the answer to this one because I havent.

Three friends check into a motel for the night and the clerk tells them the bill is $30, payable in advance. So, they each pay the clerk $10 and go to their room. A few minutes later, the clerk realizes he has made an error and overcharged the trio by $5. He asks the bellhop to return $5 to the 3 friends who had just checked in. The bellhop sees this as an opportunity to make $2 as he reasons that the three friends would have a tough time dividing $5 evenly among them; so he decides to tell them that the clerk made a mistake of only $3, giving a dollar back to each of the friends. He pockets the leftover $2 and goes home for the day! Now, each of the three friends gets a dollar back, thus they each paid $9 for the room which is a total of $27 for the night. We know the bellhop pocketed $2 and adding that to the $27, you get $29, not $30 which was originally spent. Where did the other dollar go????

2006-12-03 18:48:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

What does everything have and everything need?
If it does not have this It does not exsist.

2006-12-03 18:36:49 · 13 answers · asked by FIRE § 4

'Twas the Night before Christmas, And Santa's Pissed

Twas the night before Christmas
old Santa was pissed,
He cussd out the elves
and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats,
Ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind,
To scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ***
for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear..

The old lady bitches
cause I work late at night
the elves want more money
And the reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk
and goosed all the maids.
Donner is Pregnant
Vixon has AIDS

And just when I thought
That things would get better,
The IRS,
They sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes,
If that aint damn funny..
Who the hell ever
Sent Santa any money?

And the kids these days,
They all are the pits.
They want the impossible,
Those mean little shits.

I spent a whole year
Making wagons and sleds
with no request for them
They want computers and Robots,
They think I am IBM

If you think that is bad
Picture this..
Try holding those brats
with their pants full of piss.

They pull on my nose,
They grab at my beard
And if I don't smile,
The parents think I'm weird

Flying through the air,
Dodging the trees.
Falling down chimneys
And skinning my knees.

I quit this job,
There is just no enjoyment
I'm going to sit on my fat ***
And collect unemployment

There is NO Christmas this year
Now you know the reason
I found me a blonde
and heading SOUTH for the season....

2006-12-03 18:27:23 · 10 answers · asked by katlady927 6

as milk, lined with skin as soft as silk. Within a fountain crystal clear a golden apple does appear. No doors are there to this stronghold yet thieves break in and steal the gold.

2006-12-03 18:17:31 · 7 answers · asked by Inferno 1

what is the best three comedy line in our life?

2006-12-03 18:06:30 · 6 answers · asked by solution_for_u 2

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place, "let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . . "You just happened to catch my eye."

2006-12-03 17:58:57 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

HAHAHA.HILARIOUS...here it goes:

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around and drove home.

2006-12-03 17:58:46 · 12 answers · asked by ♣valentine melons♣ 4

Last time, we had this following riddle:

Who were the first people to play with a pair or dice?
A: Adam and Eve!

Hehe. And here is today's riddle:

Why did the thief wanted to play baseball?

Have fun! :)

2006-12-03 17:43:39 · 14 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

into a bar. He sits at the bar and orders a beer and is drinking it. The bartender is washing some glasses. The blind guy says, "hey bartender, would you like to hear a BLOND joke?"

The bartender say, "hey , before you tell that joke I have to let you know this. There's a Blond guy behind you in the corner and hes a professional kick boxer. Theres a Blond couple 3 seats over from you and they are professional body builders. Theres a Blond to the other side of you and hes a professional marksman, and I AM blond. NOW, do you REALLY want to tell the BLOND joke still?"

The blind guys say. NO, not really, because I dont want to have to REPEAT it 5 times." lol

2006-12-03 17:34:05 · 12 answers · asked by Thumper 5