Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

why does it say Caution: Do not use near power lines

2006-12-04 05:04:52 · 8 answers · asked by diamondg4u2c 3

Its been said that Harold Shipman was a bit of a lady killer, mayb thats got something to do with the the fact that hes well hung

2006-12-04 04:59:55 · 10 answers · asked by man with the golden gun 4

• Q: What does PMS stand for?
A: Penis Must Suffer

• Dentist didnt get erection on wedding night so he used finger. Wife: What's this?
Nothing honey, just a temporary filling.

• I've invented a fly spray that doesn't kill flies; it makes them so sexually active, you can swat two at a time.

• If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
Banana split.

• Old chinese proverb says: Man with erection walking through door sideways is always going to Bangkok.

• Doctor: Ur knees all blistered?
Lady: Coz of doggy style!
Doctor: Cant u do it any other style?
Lady: Oh, I can, but the dog can't!

• Wife, stark naked, stands on her head in bed.
Husband: What the hell are you doing?
Wife: I figured if you can't get it up, you could surely drop it in.

2006-12-04 04:59:00 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-04 04:56:16 · 5 answers · asked by diamondg4u2c 3

• A French n a Brit gynecologists were chatting. French: Just last week there was this woman, her cliotris was like a melon.
Brit: That's a lie, she wouldn't be able to walk if it was.
French: You Brits always talk about size; I was talking about the taste.

• Condom to whisper: Bloody every month u stop my business for one week.
Whisper: If u make a mistake I lose my business for 9 months.

• A female Press Reporter slaps Santa. Banta standing near asks Santa: Y did she slapped u?
Santa: On her T-shirt was written 'Press', so I just pressed…

• Signboard outside a prostitute's house: Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...

• A professor was asked to give a talk on Sex
When his turn came, he stood, walked to the podium, adjusted the microphone just so. He said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure..."
And he sat back down.

• Did you hear about the blind man who was walking down the street and as he passed the fish market he tipped his hat and said, "Good evening ladies.

2006-12-04 04:55:33 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-04 04:54:20 · 13 answers · asked by diamondg4u2c 3

"Lord b4 i lay down 2 sleep i pray 4 a man who's not a creep!
One who's handsome,smart & strong one who's wi--y is thick & long! Oh send me a man who's thoughtful & kind makes love to my body won't f--k with my mind!But as i kneel here and pray by my bed i look at the w--ker u sent me instead!

Amen

2006-12-04 04:47:47 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-04 04:41:33 · 9 answers · asked by jechvin 1

Here is the link to the code.. Please tell me how you decoded this if you do.
http://membres.lycos.fr/razortines5/2-spetrf.jpg

2006-12-04 04:37:34 · 7 answers · asked by Ace 2

1-kill the blue
2-hang the red till its color changed to blue then kill it
3-kiss the green and becoz of kissing , its color will change to red then hang it till its color becomes blue then kill it
4-pinch the yellow and becoz of pinching its color will change to green then kiss it and becoz of kissing its color will change to red then hang it till its color changed to blue then kill it
5-frighten by sudden the white and becoz of scare its color will change to yellow then pinch it and becoz of pinching its color will change to green….etc

2006-12-04 04:36:42 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

2006-12-04 04:27:20 · 49 answers · asked by Anonymous

my boss reckons if you were hit over the head with a frozen chicken you would more than likely die, i think you would more than likely survive. somebody is holding the chicken.... so couldnt be dropped from a great height or anything. and lets assume the attacker is of average strength. i think even if the attacked is asleep the chicken hit would wake you up rather than kill outright, and if your awake you can fend off the chicken blows. any answers gratefully appreciated.

2006-12-04 04:25:38 · 25 answers · asked by zzzprufrock 1

They're both white,made of plastic and are dangerous for kids to play with.

2006-12-04 04:23:35 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a canoe falls up a driveway backwards and looses one of its wheels. Then how many basket balls does it take to fill up the sewer?

Provide # and reason why.

2006-12-04 04:20:41 · 12 answers · asked by on3_l0ne_w0lf 2

Her belly button.

2006-12-04 04:19:07 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America. Well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and convinced Of her
own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently ageing but still a Warm
and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by past
mistakes and massive reconstruction is now necessary.





Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia. Very wide and borders are
unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all
conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, she becomes like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, But no
one wants to go there.




THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq.....

2006-12-04 04:17:23 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

How many letters are in the alphabet?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2006-12-04 04:17:22 · 12 answers · asked by eeyoree rocks2003 7

I can see you, I can feel you, I can touch you but I am not you?-- you are colorful, you are playful, you are bashful but its not you?--

2006-12-04 04:13:08 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) theres a man he lives on the 15th floor every day when hes going up to the 15th floor then he stops on the 10 floor and walks t of the way but every time he leaves from the 15th floor he goes all the way down too the 1 floor with out stopping at any other floors how come when hes going to the 15th floor he always gets off at the tenth floor and walks the rest of the way up but whern hes going down he just goes straight to the first floor withj out any stops

2006-12-04 04:09:45 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is it made from processed babies?

2006-12-04 04:09:03 · 15 answers · asked by ExpertOfNothing 3

Bought 50 New septic tanks

2006-12-04 04:08:34 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Rewrite the sentence beginning as directed:
a)A little learning is a dangerous thing.
Ans;: What a-----------
b)Must I answer all the questions.
Ans::Must all---------------
c)This news is too good to be true.
Ans::This news is so--------------
d)He said,"What a fool I was!"
Ans)He confessed--------------
e)I have never seen so beautiful a seen as this.
Ans;;This scene is more-----------

Fill in the blanks with proper PREPOSITION.
GROUP A:
And then I am ---1----the road again,standing-----2---the pavement ---3---the fringe of a chaotic rush of traffic,-4---which it appears that every vehicle isd doing its best----5------overtake its neighbour.The blare---6------horns can be heard------7---the corridors-----8----the hospial.
GROUP B:
FILL WITH ARTICLES&PREPOSITION
1.He deals honestly---------his customers
2.This man is----------- second Newton
3.-----------Daniel has come to judgement.
. please give the answer with mention number.....

2006-12-04 04:07:58 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-04 04:07:42 · 20 answers · asked by markalexandergreen 1

You call her up and tell her who you are having sex with...

2006-12-04 04:05:03 · 6 answers · asked by ExpertOfNothing 3

2006-12-04 04:03:11 · 4 answers · asked by joy p 1

Thomas woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, Thomas called his little boy into the room and asked him to' Bring this note to your beautiful Mummy.' The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to 'Bring this to your silly Daddy.' The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

Thomas read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to 'The lady in the kitchen'. The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to 'Take this to the poor man upstairs'. The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!

2006-12-04 04:00:16 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Police said he should be out by the morning for interviews.

2006-12-04 03:57:08 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,
"They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

She will be eligible for parole in about three years

2006-12-04 03:51:04 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

A DOG! hahahahaha

Wow, I laughed so hard when I first heard this joke I almost died.

2006-12-04 03:50:52 · 9 answers · asked by sfumato 1

http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?&ei=UTF-8&p=&gid=g_51ea67e00c484b4fbb6cb081f4644cd4.51ea67e00c484b4fbb6cb081f4644cd4&vid=51ea67e00c484b4fbb6cb081f4644cd4.609161&b=50

2006-12-04 03:47:48 · 3 answers · asked by ♣valentine melons♣ 4