Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

So the president needed to get across the border to Iraq illeagly so he asked a couple of mexicans, "can you get me across the border illegally?" And the mexicans said,"thats what we dooooooo."

so once the mexicans and the president get across the border all of the sudden the iraquees tanks are on cinder blocks and all their sisters are preagnant.



I hope you like that joke.

2006-10-20 18:06:08 · 13 answers · asked by Kris 2

Speak in a strange foreign accent. when someone asks where you are from, name a country only you can pronounce.

Use a different accent every time you talk to someone new.

When getting food, pile everything onto your plate in heaping servings - make sure to use your hands!

Ask the host, "Who threw this cheesy party, anyway?"

Turn cartwheels across the floor. If you can turn a back flip, all the better!

Bring a novel and curl up in a corner with it.

Cough all over guests, then exclaim, "Doctor says a few more years and I'll be cured..."

Hang your head and whisper one-word answers to questions.

Play a lullaby on a kazoo during a speech (singing a lullaby works OK, too)

If there is music, mix up your dancing: break dance to classical, symphony conductor hand waves to techno music.

If you find your former dancing partner dancing with someone else, burst into tears, wailing "I thought you loved me!", and run from the room.

2006-10-20 18:04:36 · 7 answers · asked by Love Exists? 6

A doctor wanted to go hunting, he calls his secretary Hassoun and tells him, "Hassoun, I am going hunting tomorrow, we don't want to close the clinic, I ask you to take care of our patients.

"Yes, sir", answers Hassoun.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks, "So Hassoun, how was your day?"

Hassoun tells him he took care of 3 patients.

The first one had a headache and I gave him Tylenol".

"Bravo Hassoun, and the second one?"

"The second one had a stomach ache, and I gave him Maalox."

Bravo Hassoun, ''You're good at this, and the third one?"

"I was sitting, and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a house-a-fire and undresses herself, taking off her bra and then taking off her panties. Then she jumped up and lays down on the table and shouts, "HELP ME, It has been 5 years since I have not seen any man!"

"And what did you do Hassoun?" asks the doctor.

"It was easy, I put eye drops in her eyes."

2006-10-20 18:04:14 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Has anyone else noticed how childish and immature the Q.A. become at weekends, especially the joke catagorie , it's as though the kiddies have been allowed to stay up late but dont know what to do with themselves .

2006-10-20 18:02:25 · 15 answers · asked by nicemanvery 7

The three Bears are in court. Mama & Papa are getting a divorce. The judge asks Baby Bear if he wants to live with Mama, and he says "no , Mama Bear beats me." "Oh no" says the judge,"Do you want to live with Papa?" "No, Papa Bear beats me too." Oh dear," says the judge. "Who do you want to live with?" And Baby Bear says,

" I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they never beat anyone."

2006-10-20 18:00:16 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Donald Sullivan went to see his attorney to make a will. When it was all done, he told the lawyer that he wanted only one more thing added....he wanted to be buried at sea. "Buy why?" the lawyer asked.

"That's so my wife can be taken care of if she goes ahead with her threat to dance on my grave."

2006-10-20 17:49:08 · 6 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

This small loud mouthed guy goes into a bar and during conversation says "The only 2 good things to come out of Tasmania are footballers and prostitututes."

This burly guy over hears this and goes over to the little guy and says "My sister comes from Tasmania."
Quick as a wink the little guys says "What position does she play ."

2006-10-20 17:48:02 · 4 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

heres one:
Two blondes were waiting at the Pearly Gates and struck up a
conversation.
First blonde says "How did you die?"
Second says "I froze to death".
First blonde says "Must have been awful."
Second blonde says "How did you die?"
First blonde says "I had a heart attack, I knew my husband was
being unfaithful so I came home unexpectedly one day and rushed
to the bedroom and found my husband alone reading. I rushed to
the basement and nobody was hiding there, I rushed to the attic
and still no one, and after all that rushing around I had a
heart attack and died."
Second blonde says, "If only you'd looked in the freezer we'd
both still be alive."

2006-10-20 17:43:57 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

fake a seizure

make loud animal noises then deny doing it

churn some butter

create a brand new language

walls made of brick: count them

plot revenge against someone

think of nicknames for everyone you know

punch the person next to you in the mouth

see how long you can hold your breath

take your pants off and give them to the lecturer

chew on you arm until someone notices

change seats every three minutes

run across the room, tag someone and say 'you’re it.'

announce to the class that you are god an that you are angry

think of five new ways to use your shoes

run to the window, then say, 'sorry, I thought I saw the bat signal'.

ask the person in front of you to marry you

start laughing really hard and say, 'oh, now I get it.'

make a sundial

sell stolen goods

bite people

summarize the teaching of Socrates in 50 words or less

give yourself a new identity

write a screenplay about a diabetic Swedish girl who can’t swim

start a Mexican wave

dig an escape tunnel

learn voodoo


lick yourself clean

learn to tie your shoes with one hand

see how many push ups you can do

experiment with your sexuality

run with scissors

make stupid lists

2006-10-20 17:40:04 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother has a nosey daughter who is 10 and is always asking people questions so she decides she is going to break her of the habit. So one day on the way to drop her over at a friends the little girl asks...

"Mommy how old are you? The mother replies None of your business.

The little girl asks...

"Mommy how much do you weigh? The mother again replies none of your business.

The little girl asks....
Mommy why did you and daddy get a divorce....The mother is very upset and tells her to stop being nosey.


So the girl gets to her friends and tells her of the conversation she had with her mommy and her friend tells her to look on her mommys drivers lisence she says it tells everything about a person.

So the little girl goes home and does just that. So she goes in to her Mommy and says....
I know how old you are 45.... I know you weigh 255 lbs... and I know why you and daddy got divorced....

The mother says ok why?

The little girl says : You got an F in sex.

2006-10-20 17:29:48 · 20 answers · asked by megs 2

One of my best friends are always telling me these stupid jokes and I told her all of my jokes and I need some more... plz tell me some it doesn't matter what kind they are as long as they're funny!!!
Thanks!

2006-10-20 17:21:09 · 12 answers · asked by ~Manda_Panda~ 2

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
And she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet,
But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..
Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you

2006-10-20 17:18:44 · 13 answers · asked by ? 5

You throw away the outside before you cook the inside.
When it's cooked, you then eat the outside, and throw away the inside.
What am I?

2006-10-20 17:13:59 · 20 answers · asked by gmarti93 1

i m sad b/c i just got spacers (i m a teen, so it's ok that i have spacers) so i need cheering up. any kind of jokes, as long as they r funny.

2006-10-20 17:07:10 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of abitch."
Priest : "Now why did you call him a son of abitch my child?"
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of abitch my child."
Girl : "…but, but then he touched my breasts."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he caresses her breasts)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "Surely, that's no reason to call him a son of abitch my child."
Girl : "…but, but then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of abitch."
Girl : "…but, but then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest : "Like thisss?" (as he sticks his you know what into her you know where)
Girl : "OH YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "…but that's no reason to call him a son of abitch."
Girl : "…but, but father, he had AIDS!"
Priest : "DAMN THAT SON OF ABITCH!!!"

2006-10-20 17:06:45 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Nun



A cabbie picks up a Nun.
The Nun gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring.
The Nun asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you".
The Nun responds: "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.
I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
The Nun responds: "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says: "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

2006-10-20 16:59:55 · 19 answers · asked by ? 5

2006-10-20 16:47:13 · 22 answers · asked by timdvrs 4

2006-10-20 16:09:02 · 10 answers · asked by KEITH G 4

I did not make this joke up, but I heard it somewhere and thought it was pretty funny. I will tell the joke from my point of view:


So, one day my neighbor was going to be out of town for a few weeks so he asked me if I could take care of his dog. I said yes, so my neighbor instructed me on everything I needed to do.

One day I was taking care of the dog but I noticed that something was different about it. I called the neighbor and described what the dog was doing, and lucky for me it was not a new problem.

My neighbor said that the dog was probably constapated, and told me that I could treat it by getting specialized dog food.

So I went to the pet shop and was looking at all the dog food. I saw dog food for the growing dog, for the overweight dog, and then finally dog food for the constapated dog.

So I got the bag took it to the cashier but while I was waiting in line I got to thinking.

Why waste a good thing?

2006-10-20 15:49:19 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the
wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that homosexual garbage in our garden"

2006-10-20 15:43:19 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old cowboy sat down at the Star bucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring
calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding
my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of
women."

The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?! "
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a
lesbian."

2006-10-20 15:40:09 · 23 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

pls. do not post your answer here bcus the joke still continues so pls. reply me on :- apu11_1989@yahoo.co.uk

2006-10-20 15:38:43 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman and a man were involved in a car accident. It was a bad one. Both of their cars were totally demolished but amazingly neither of them were hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars the woman said "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued "And look at this! Here's another miracle.... My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man shook his head in agreement, opened the bottle, drank half of it and handed it back to the woman.

The woman took it, put the cap back on and handed it back to the man.

2006-10-20 15:38:10 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have heard this joke before, not in its entiredy mostly on TV, but they never finish the joke. I would really apperciate it if someone could tell me the joke......

There once was a man from nantuket (sp?)................ Then what?

2006-10-20 15:35:42 · 13 answers · asked by Charisma 6

The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies."
So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horses' backside?"
The cowboy says, "Oh no, trooper. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses' backside."

2006-10-20 15:22:13 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

>Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
>
> >A. Ask your mother.
>
> >Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
>
> >A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
>
> >Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
>
> >A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
>
> >Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
>
> >A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
>
> >Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
>
> >A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
>
> >driving.
>
> >Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
>
> >A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

> >Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's butt?
>
> >A. A mechanic!

> >Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
>
> >A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen
>
> >donuts.
>
> >Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
>
> >A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
>
> >Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
>
> >A. The one with the dirty knees.
>
> >Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
>
> >A. A battery has a positive side.

> >Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex A. "Honey, I'm home!"
>
> >Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
>
> >A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy

> >Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in
>
> >his sleep.
>
> >A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
>
> >Q. How can you tell a macho women?
>
> >A. She rolls her own tampons.
>
> >Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
>
> >A: Hair balls.

>
> >Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
>
> >A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.

2006-10-20 15:16:32 · 16 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

below is a series of complaints sent in by various tenants to their landlords

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage

the lavatory is blocked; this is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof

this is to let you know that there is a smell coming fro the man next door

the toilet seat is cracked: where do i stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces

can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done, as my wife is about to become an expectant mother

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off

I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers

the toilet is blocked and we cannot bather the children until it is cleared

the person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous

will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant

our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it

will you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away

could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got hr toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5.30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much

When the workmen were here hey put their tools in my wife’s new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy

2006-10-20 14:52:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

If So, enjoy! let me know what you think!

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....


Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides



HAVE A GREAT DAY

2006-10-20 14:43:04 · 19 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Mickey went to a phsyciatrist and said he wanted help for Minnie. The shrink asked why. Mickey said well he was sure Minnie was crazy. The shrink asked what makes you think that. Mickey Mouse said Pluto told me she is F****** Goofy

2006-10-20 14:41:47 · 16 answers · asked by barrettins 3

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair just the same..."
Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

2006-10-20 14:33:11 · 21 answers · asked by basscatcher 4