Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

1)orlando
2)mouse
3)new york
4)dizzy
5)october

2006-10-20 10:04:42 · 18 answers · asked by kate 2

Girls have it but boys don't
Billy has it but kelly doesn't

2006-10-20 09:09:26 · 22 answers · asked by Pinky 5

2006-10-20 08:59:35 · 31 answers · asked by pooterosa 5

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.

2006-10-20 08:52:25 · 24 answers · asked by Pinky 5

He told reporters earlier today that he's never giving Madonna free rein with his credit card to buy herself a nice little black number.

2006-10-20 08:39:36 · 7 answers · asked by Daisy the cow 5

1) When you rearrange "new door" you get one word.What is the word?
2) The coach was talking about his team.3 made home run hits.2 were with bases loaded.The score was 9-0 and not a single man crossed home plate.How is this?
3) Every year for ten years, a tree doubles its size.How long will it take for the tree to reach half its final height?
4) There is a busy street and an orphan is
standing on one side of the road, and the
orphan's parents are on theother.How does the orphan cross the road to get to his/her parents?
5) A widow's husband is very ill, and she doesn't
have enough money to pay the medical bills. What can she do?
6)If Cingular wireless called you and told you
that you have been on your home phone for 24 hours and they want the money for the bill now,
what would you do?
7)There are 3 words in the dictionary that end
in -gry.One is angry.Another is hungry.What is
the 3rd word.
8)There is a pine tree.If the wind is blowing
north, what way r the leaves facin

2006-10-20 08:39:13 · 17 answers · asked by ♥♥♥m.d.p♥♥♥ 2

The doctor asked, "Why only 3?"

The man said, "Well, Friday my secretary is coming over, Saturday my girlfriend is coming over, and Sunday my wife is coming home from her vacation.

The doc said, "Thats more than I wanted to know, but here's your 3 pills."

A week later the doctor saw the man at the gas station, his arm in a cast, and sling.

The doctor said, "What happened to you? Did the women all find out about one another?"

The man said, "No, Nobody showed up....."

2006-10-20 08:38:53 · 24 answers · asked by phantasy_one 2

"Rock Hudson's wrist watch!"?

2006-10-20 08:34:21 · 9 answers · asked by ___ 3

Jan
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
Feb
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Helllloooo!!!
bottles won't fit in typewriter!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April
Trapped on an escalator for hours.....power went out!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!
June
Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.
Sep
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it?
Oct
can't remember
Nov
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 lbs!
Dec
Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the
stupid phone
What a Year!!!!!!!!!!

2006-10-20 08:18:50 · 17 answers · asked by zaazzy 4

This man walks into a bar and sits down, asks the bartender: "Gimme a double shot of your finest wiskey"...

The bartender immediatly saw that the man ad no intentions on paying... "You have any money on ya?" said the bartender...

"No but I'll do anything you want... anything...! I need a drink! I've not had one for days now!"

"OK" said the bartender, "I'll give you your drink if you drink the spittoon (that where they spit their tobbaco drippings and stuff).

"Sure..! Anything..!" said the man... and started to gulp down on the 2 gallon sized spittoon that had been sitting there for more than 2 weeks...

They all cheered and clapped, until they saw that the man was not stopping, we kept going, gulping it down, they all pleaded him to stop, most of them just lost their stomach right there. Finally the bartender knocked the vase from his hands and the man finally took a breath, and said: "Sorry, I tried to stop, BUT IT WAS ALL IN ONE LONG STRING!!"

2006-10-20 07:56:22 · 21 answers · asked by Marty K 2

There were 3 construction workers on their lunch break... a Mexican, an Italian, and a Blonde. The Mexican looked in his lunch bag and said,"if i get a burrito one more time for lunch, i am going to jump off a building. The Italian looked in his lunch bag, saw pasta and said,"if i get pasta for lunch one more time... i am going to jump off this building. The blonde guy opened his lunch bag and said,"if i get a salad one more time... i am going to jump off this building. The next day at about the same time.. the men opened their lunches and saw the same thing. They all jumped off of the building and died. At their funeral the mexian's wife said,"if i would have known that he didnt want a burritio i would have packed something different for him." The Italian's wife said,"If i would have known that he didnt want pasta i would have packed something different for him too." The Blonde's wife said to both of them,"I'm very sad too, but he packed his own lunch."

2006-10-20 07:52:03 · 22 answers · asked by brown_eyed _blondie 1

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you D!ckhead. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

2006-10-20 07:50:48 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cant find anything on menu how to do it.

2006-10-20 07:50:46 · 5 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

There was a widow who needed help with the farm so she decided to get hired help. The only ones who responded to the 'help wanted' ad were a felon and a homosexual. With her personal safety in mind, she hired the latter.
He proved to be a good and thorough worker. There was nothing about his work that displeased her. One day, she told him to take the day off, because she worried that she wroked him too hard.
After a day of leisure, he came back to the farmhouse and found the widow sitting in front of the fire with a wine glass in her hand.
"Take off my shoes and stockings." she told him. Obediently, he pulled them off.
"Take off my blouse." was her next order. Gulping, he did as he was told.
"Take off my skirt." she said. Trembling, he obeyed.
"Now, take my panties off." she said pointedly. The last item was removed.
Then she said, "The next time you wear my clothes to town you're fired!"

2006-10-20 07:44:17 · 8 answers · asked by thezaylady 7

would philosophers stop analyzing it and start laughing instead?

2006-10-20 07:36:47 · 2 answers · asked by StupendousMan 5

Finnegan is on his deathbed. His best friend Seamus is by his side looking for any last sign of consciousness. Abruptly, Finnegan awakens and asks, "are ye there, Seamus?"
"Aye," is the reply. "Right here, Finn. Is there anything I can get for ye?"
"Yes, Seamus. There is." Seamus awaits with bated breath.
"Y'know that bottle of Irish whiskey that's been atop me mantle for the last 12 years?"
"Aye. I know the one," Seamus says with a glint in his eye.
"I want you to do me a favor when I'm deed and buried and th' worms are crawlin' through me bones."
"Anythin', Finn. You can count on your best friend."
"Seamus, would ye take that bottle of beauty and pour it over me grave?"
Seamus hesitated a moment, then said, "of course, Finn. I'll do it for ye....but...would ye mind if I pass it through me kidneys first?"

2006-10-20 07:36:13 · 6 answers · asked by Finnegan 7

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?








Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland ..









Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !




The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.









As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"









"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."









The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.









About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.









The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.









The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.






When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"









"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.






The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....






"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

2006-10-20 07:30:23 · 13 answers · asked by ridingthestorm_out 4

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the Hospital when during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that??"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I am very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture".

"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman.

In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?".

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."

2006-10-20 07:24:48 · 9 answers · asked by Eliz 2

I looked and couldn't find you.

2006-10-20 07:23:23 · 7 answers · asked by danksprite420 6

A man hired a blond to paint his porch. He left her with the buckets of paint and went inside.
A few hours later, she came inside, declaring that not only was the job completed, but she had plenty of paint left over so she gave a second coat.
The man was pleased with the thouroghness of her work until she added, giggling, "By the way, it's not a Porch. It's a Mercades."

2006-10-20 07:17:41 · 7 answers · asked by thezaylady 7

1.



2.



3.


4.



5.


6.


7.


8.


9.


10. They have boobs.

2006-10-20 07:13:42 · 7 answers · asked by Eliz 2

What common English word will describe a person or thing as not being found in any place and yet with no changes other than a space between syllables, will correctly describe that person or thing as being actually present at this very moment?

2006-10-20 07:12:33 · 2 answers · asked by bob v 2

When the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge. Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years.
"But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty."

"May I have the other 10 years?" asked Man. The Monkey agreed. The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man asked for the remaining ten. Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for the spare ten years and got them.

This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion 'bout it, and 10 years of making an *** out of himself.

2006-10-20 07:05:39 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Viagara Falls!!!
HA
Happy Birthday To ME
ME
ME

2006-10-20 06:58:52 · 2 answers · asked by Saffernellie 6

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

2006-10-20 06:46:06 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

2006-10-20 06:38:23 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

2006-10-20 06:36:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?"
St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota,
I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a
young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but
they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed
biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over,
ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I
yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the **** out of all of
you !"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

2006-10-20 06:23:10 · 11 answers · asked by Eliz 2

What do you say to someone who's father is from Indiana? Answer: Hoosier daddy!

2006-10-20 06:19:20 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man in love with a girl he wanted to f**k was so ashamed if his pen*s that he was afraid of bringing up the question, or of letting her see him naked. One dark night he drove her around in his car and parked in a dark lane. As they kissed he surreptitiously opened his fly and put his weapon in her hand. "Thanks," she said. "But you know I don't smoke,"

2006-10-20 06:09:51 · 21 answers · asked by hazelshine 4